WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[MrBond]

CIPA,

How are things going?

[confusedinpa]

Hey Stuck - didn't recogniz you with your new handle! What's the occassion?

It's been crazy snowy here so the boys and I have been spending a lot of time clearing our driveway. I got them snow scooters (sorta like a razor scooters without wheels) from craigslist (2 for $35 - great deal) so we've been having a lot of fun with them. She had them this past weekend though.....

It was really rough on Friday as it snowed so much school was cancelled so she worked from her apt so she kept the boys with her (normally I watch my youngest and pick up/drop off my oldest from school so I've been seeing them almost every day). It was the first day in a loooong time that I didn't see my boys at all. My youngest called me up a few times hysterical that he wasn't getting to see me. He kept saying how she wouldn't bring him home. I tried to calm him down but he just kept saying he wanted to come home. He said that he was sitting in his and his brother's bedroom by himself as she was doing something and his brother was just watching TV. I was really sad but tried to be strong. It really pissed me off that she wasn't there trying to help him.

Then on Sat I get a letter from my lawyer to tell me her lawyer filed a motion to compell me to provide financial statements. It was pissed as if she wanted my financial statements (so we could split the assets), she should have just asked. Now we have another court date (with the associated lawyer fees) in 2 weeks.

I went out with my cousin for after dinner drinks Sat nite. I talked to my boys as I drove down there. It was good to get out and unwind.

I was suppose to meet up with one of my friends tonite for after dinner drinks, but it got to late. I was a little bumming about that but I wasn't really in the right mood to go out tonite anyway.

She called a few times today. Once to ask about doing taxes (she dropped a hint that she was going to have to take a loan out to pay her share of the taxes). A second time she was asking if our youngest was still sucking a his thumb. I told her not so much. She said that she thinks that's why he was so upset on Friday, that he was trying not to suck his thumb. Unbelievable..... she just really doesn't want to believe it's because he just wanted to come home. I just said whatever and hung up.

Then she called a third to ask about switching days with me, I couldn't do it as I had an interview that day so that ended that conversation pretty quick.

Not sure why I'm in such a crappy mood today, I should be pretty good as I'll see my boys tomorrow and it was fun going out last nite.... although maybe it was the 2 bottles of wine we drank ;-p

So the divorce train continues......

To be honest, I don't see being happy with her even if she wanted to come back. I know I would try for my boys, but I really can't imagine getting back to a place where I could see her as my wife.

I know that's not a popular thing to say on a Divorce busting forum, but that's really the reality. I know that I couldn't have gotten through these 14+ months of h**l without you and others here. I do thank everyone for that.

I will keep journaling here until this divorce train ride is over.........

Thanks again

[MrBond]

CIPA,

Great to hear from you.

I was wondering why you haven't called her out on her BS. Not about your sitch, but about the kids. Even though they are with her half the time, they are still YOUR sons. If you see their mom not treating them or doing right by them, tell her.

At the very least, you need to get that squared away. You've had that problem with her since day one and have continued to let her walk all over you. Call her out on it. Your boys deserve it.

Plus, if she's acting like a B tell her. I think that's the only 180 you haven't actually done. Even when she was "blaming you" for all the BS she's been pulling you didn't do anything.

[sandi2]

To be honest, I don't see being happy with her even if she wanted to come back. I know I would try for my boys, but I really can't imagine getting back to a place where I could see her as my wife.

I don't believe it would ever work unless she was seriously willing to work very hard to change herself.

[confusedinpa]

Wow - didn't realize how long it's been since I've journaled here. Guess I'm getting a life LOL

The divorce train is continuing forward as I've responded with all the financial crap before the "hearing to compell" me to respond. I know financially the crap is an issue for her as she was never good at managing finances to begin with let alone having to pay half her check to me for support. We're gonna have to do taxes soon... we always owe a 5 figure amount.... so I know she's stressing about that. Our lawyers already said that we would have to split the tax bill.

Another new development, which is bitter sweet is that I will be starting a new job on March 29th. It was that lowball offer place that I asked for another 20% and they went radio silent for about 5 weeks. Guess they realized that even with another 20% on top of their original offer, they were getting a bargain. I'm taking about a 30% paycut but at least I'm close to my boys and only have to for one place of residence.

The downside now is that I will no longer see my boys during the day. It was nice to have the one on one days with my 3 year old and spending a few hours each week with just my 7 year old. I know they both really appreciate it and had looked forward to it as much as I do. In fact last Monday I had another interview so I couldn't spend the one on one day with my 3 year old and he was very upset about it. My 7 year old cries every other week about how we barely have any one on one time with each other. It's soooo upsetting.

I know they miss me as much I as miss them when they aren't with me. When they are with their mother, we talk every nite for about 20-25 minutes before they go to bed (that's even with me seeing them during the day!). When they are with me, my 3 year old doesn't want to talk with her when she calls and my 7 year old is on the phone for just enough time to say goodnite.

I still haven't told my her I got a job yet. I'm sure she's gonna be happy as she won't have to pay out half her check but also upset that I took such a big pay cut so I'm no longer gonna be the cash cow. Ironically, she may still have to pay me a very small amount as I make slightly less than her (about $500/year).

I did tell my lawyer so he will tell her lawyer so she will hear eventually.

I didn't tell my boys yet as I didn't want them to get upset about "losing" the one on one days with me.... I'm gonna have to do that next week though.

On a personal get a life side.... I did go out with a someone last Friday. She was really nice and we're trying to make plans to see each other again, but with the schedule with my boys... that may not be for another 4 weeks (she's out of town the next weekend I don't have my boys). Oh well.... she needs to realize that my boys are my priority.... the person I meet will need to respect that....

So life continues..... my WAW is not looking back.... and I'm started to look forward......

Thanks for everyone's support

[sandi2]

Hi Sweetie. So good to hear from you and you do sound like you are moving forward. Glad to hear you got a job even if it is not exactly the wages you were wanting, you will be close to your kids and I remember how hard it was when you were far away from them.

Hope you and the new lady friend can enjoy each other's company. You deserve to be happy and have a great woman in your life.

[confusedinpa]

Thanks Mom :-)

The toughest thing I'm dealing with now is getting back to working again and not seeing my boys as much. Although we've had a "50/50" custody arrangement since I lost my job, I see my boys everyday (except for the Sat and Sun they are with her every other week). My 3 year old (who turns 4 on Weds) has really enjoyed all the one on one time. My 7 year old (who turns 8 in 2 weeks) has been upset about it as he feels he's missing out, but we still have those 4-5 hours/week with just him and I.

I had an interesting conversation with a good friend of mine (she helped me through this crap over the past year). She has a 3 month old and had just returned to work. So we met at the park and chatted (hadn't seen her in 8 months!) while the kids played (she also has a 2.5 year old).

She just returned to work and had suffered from post-partum so she knew exactly how I felt about returning to work and not seeing my boys. She listened and I felt better... some what :-(

A major bummer was when she started telling me how she thinks her husband has been cheating on her. She's been trying to decide how to deal with it. She doesn't have hard evidence, but from what she tells me, all the signs are there. I just listened and offered her my support. It's just incredible how much of this crap goes on.....

I also heard back from my lady friend I had dinner with the other week. She's free this weekend so we're going to try and get together. So that's a plus!

My youngest's B'day is Weds. He had asked about having the 4 of us go to Applebee's (he likes them singing to him.... go figure). I sent her an email about going on Weds as it's her nite and she said that she no but would go on Tues (my nite) if I wanted to. Frankly.. I don't want to see her, but for my boys I will deal with her for the hour or so.

Just this past weekend she annoyed me as on Sat my boys tried to call her cell to say good nite and she didn't pick up... twice. Finally she called back and just hurriedly say goodnite. My youngest said he wanted to tell her about his B'day present I gave him (I did it early since I won't see him for 5 days after his B'day). But she hung up before he could talk (it's very rare that he wants to talk to her so she wasn't expecting it). He started to cry and I let him call her back right away but she didn't answer.

He was so upset that my oldest wound up leaving a message saying how upset they were about what she's doing. I sent her an email later on that nite as well.

I calmed my boys down and they went to bed as they were exhausted from the hike we had taken earlier that day.

She wound up calling me on Sun morning complaining about how she wasn't feeling well and had a crappy weekend. I asked if she wanted to talk about it. She said no..... big surprise as that's what the issue apparently had been for the past 12 years. I just said bye and hung up.

So.... I'm continuing to move forward and through all this crap, I feel like I've become a better person for it.

FIDO

[MrBond]

Have you ever thought of confronting her about how she's treating the boys? I don't think you've ever done that. Rather than complaining about it on here, do something about it. It's not for you. It's for your boys.

While you can't tell her what to do, I would strongly describe to her how the boys are feeling. Especially now since she's very much in her selfish phase.

Dude you have to do this now. You've been letting her control your boys for wayyy too long. In the end, you want your boys to have a certain amount of respect for their mom whether you agree with her or not. You still need to give her a dose of reality.

Be firm without blame. That's the hardest part.

This isn't about saving your M. It's about saving your boys.

[sandi2]

Happy Easter!

[confusedinpa]

Thanks Mom :-)

The D train is moving forward but I made it through my first week back at work and I've got my boys this weekend so that's all good.

I'm continuing to move forward with getting my own life and I know my boys will benefit from that as well.

Thanks for checking in on me. I know I wouldn't have gotten this far without all your support.