My story starts five years ago when I originally posted here. Different username. He read my old posts. My H and I separated due to several issues on his part with the intent to work on personal things for awhile. H sees this as his opportunity to date ow. One month into separation, he's having full blown affair. Long story, short. We can't make it financially and he has to move back. Continues seeing OW for several months until I call her and fill her in(we're still ML, he says he wants to work things out, etc). She drops him like a rock. Over the next several years, he alternates working it out with me to I'm leaving. At times he was very cruel, insisting he never loved me. Meantime, I do my best to DB and not engage the madness which leaves me lonely but maintaining my sanity.
Fast forward to six months ago. We have been in the habit of taking our lunch time together at home. He comes home at lunch, picks a fight and says he's leaving. Over the weekend, we decide he won't leave until after the holidays since they're close. I really don't care at this point. I'll file if he leaves. Holidays come and go. He doesn't leave. After V-day, I have to talk about it. He says he doesn't want to go. He tells me he loves me for the first time in 5 years. To tell you the truth, I don't know what to think at this point. But things are much better, so I go with it.
Then, I discover he's been texting a woman from work. It ramped up from a few times a week to several times a day. Several weekends I was gone, they texted all day long. I confront him about this since it's a sore point from the affair. He defends it, says she's a lesbian. He says he'll stop if it bothers me. Of course it does, so I ask him to stop and of course, he doesn't. After a few more weeks, I confront him again. He does stop at least for a few weeks. I've recently discovered that he doing it again. Not like before, right now it's just here and there. One day all day, then nothing for a week. I haven't said anything.
So now what? Am I making too much out of this? Do I just watch awhile and see what happens? He's still acting like nothing's wrong with us and he seems happy. But in my gut, I'm just sick. It feels all too familiar. I'd love some feedback.
I haven't exactly been in your shoes but I say trust your intuition. Are there conversations flirty? Discussing personal stuff or what? That might be your best clue. However it is a good sign that he hasn't locked his phone. My ex did that when his EA started. Point is you know this man.
I am sure there are others that can give better advice regarding your particular situation. My ex started lying to me 3 years ago and hasn't stopped yet. Keep posting, it helps bring clarity.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
We have four kids. Three are mine from first marriage and one together. The first two are out of the house. Then one in high school and one upper elementary. That's why I've stayed and I do love him. BUT, as you said, puppy, how long? We'll be married 10 yrs this year but 5 of those have been trying to recover from the affair and the other 5 are mixed with several serious issues. I turned 40 last year and I'm wondering...Will he ever be the man I thought he was? Am I wasting time on a bad relationship? If he came to me tomorrow and said he wanted out, I'd let him go.
I've never been able to catch the multiple texting so I don't really know what level relationship their at. The ones I have seen are random mundane stuff. She texted him once in the middle of the night telling him she was drunk. That kind of stuff. But, why is she doing that?
I do know that one day they both got off work early(they work together). They had drinks at a bar near work. I texted him and called him to tell him that I was getting off work early too. I wanted to meet him somewhere. He ignored my calls/text. I saw his phone later and put 2+2 together. I asked him about it but he said it was nothing. Again with the lesbian thing. I suspect that he's been out with friends and she's joined them. Since I know of calls to her at times that he was out with the guys.
Since his declaration of love, relationship-wise things have been good. We spend time together, go out. But, I had detached the level that I'm not fully invested in our marriage, sort of self-protection mode. I told him I'd have to see serious work on his part before I could fully reinvest in us. I don't know if I ever can.
To be honest Blue Star, it sounds like you have made your decision that it's over and you are just waiting for an excuse to end it. If after 5 yrs you think he is still playing away emotionally and you can't handle it then surely enough is enough?
I don't quite undetstand what it is you are looking for from the boards. We are here to save our M's are we not and yet you sound like you are looking for easons not to save it......or am I wrong?
Tell us what is good about your H? Why have you tried to keep things going so lomg? There must be a reason.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Will he ever be the man I thought he was? Am I wasting time on a bad relationship? If he came to me tomorrow and said he wanted out, I'd let him go.
I do think you have to look at past history, and that doesn't look good for him. If things stay the same as they've been the past years, would you be happy living like that the next 30 or 40 years?
I do think people can change but until they do I think you have to expect more of the same. I do think you can always reevaluate in the future, was he to truly change and make long-term changes... Karen
