What to do when Husband's Gone & Makes No Contact?

[beepee]

Hi,
im really really really distraught and confused and in so much pain and dont know what to do. my husband packed up and left me about 2 weeks ago and told me through email that he doesnt want to be with me anymore but that he loves me any always will and will always be sad that it didnt work out.

i dont want to give this up because i love him with all my heart..how do i go about this program when he will not contact me at all..whenever i email him, he doesnt respond, he wont answer my calls and he wont see me..im so confused and feeling sooo hopeless..can anyone please help??

thanks so much..
b

[Gardener]

Beepee,
Sorry for your sitch and pain.

Stop contacting.

Read a many as these posts as far back as you can.

Get Divorce Remedy Book.

If you can afford it, sign up for TeleCoaching Session.

Tell us more. Keep writing. Add a profile with your vital stats.

[beepee]

Hi Gardener

thanks for replying.
i have stopped contacting him for about 4 days now.
its sooo hard but im really really trying.
i got the divorce remedy book but im still really confused on how to go about it with the situation im in. i mean..what if he never wants to contact me at all..what if it takes months?? my heart is in too much pain to be able to handle not knowing when he will contact me..

i wishi could afford the telecoaching session but i cant..hes left me with quite a few bills.. but heres some more about myself and my situation if anyone is interested..

My H and i have been together for 4 years..married for 2.5. im 25yrs old, hes 37, he cheated on me in the beginning of our relationship and i couldnt handle it and kicked him out of our apartment that we rented. i couldnt take being away from him so i asked him to come back but he said no and i felt so depressed and suicidal that i ended up in the hospital and he came to visit and said he would come back and he was never going to leave me again. a year went by and nothing changed between us, i fell into a deep depression and he slowly went insane trying to get me out of the depression that he finally picked up and left 2 and a half weeks ago. because of money issues, we lived with my parents for the past year and i think that worsened the situation. i came home one day to him packing everything and then he was gone. i was again so depressed and suidical that i ended up in the hospital for a week and my doctors spoke to him and he said he couldnt be a part of the process of helping me heal. so i felt even worse. i was put on medication and am now going through counseling.. i know i shouldve done this before when we were together but i had no healt insurance to cover anything. he felt he tried everything to get me better and now hes just given up. so i left the hospital and have emailed and emailed him to death and hes answerd some of my emails saying it was over and that we need to get a divorce and that whats been broken in our marriage can not be fixed and that hes hurting too and is broken to pieces and is trying to move on and pick up the pieces of his shattered spirit. i dont want this to end and i have hope that we can make this work..im doing what i can like counseling and taking medication but im soooo heartbroken that i cant even get out of bed and do anything everyday. i just wait and check my email every second to see if i hear from him. i havent heard from him in 4 or 5 days now and im really worried. he emailed me saying that he would email me everyday to tell me that he loves me so that i dont feel so bad about myself but he stopped doing that ever since 4 or 5 days ago. i feel like he is stopping because he doesnt want me to hold onto any hope that this could work. i dont know what to do. i have stopped contacting him cause i know thats probably getting him really annoyed. but i really dont know how to go about this if he doesnt ever contact me..do i just sit it out?? i read the book but am still sooooo confused. i would love any advice..this overwhelming sense of emptiness in the pit of my stomach is so crippling..

any help would be so much appreciated..

[mishka422]

((((beepee)))))

You are among friends here and I hope we can bring you some comfort and advice that will help.

Sorry that you find yourself in this situation. It's a devastating blow to your life, but you will recover from it. How well you recover depends on the steps you take right now.

I have a few questions to ask you.

1)Do you have any children together?
2)How long have you been married?
3)Is he having an affair?


First and foremost - stop contacting him at all. If you have kids, that would be the absolutely only reason to contact and only in an emergency then.

[Gardener]

beepee,

You have been - and are- going through much. You are the poster girl for You've Got To Work On You First. Keep reading the book. Jump to The Last Resort Technique, in Step# 5 chapter (p. 124 in my paperback copy). Read it all. "So you have to stop pursuing your spouse immediately, even if you don't feel like it. It's the only chance you have of saving your marriage."

Read, on this forum "Quotes from Divorce Busting (II)"

Turn off your phone. Turn it on and check it, if you must, every hour or so. You decide. You control. If/when you do receive contact from H, do nothing. Post it here. People will give you advice on how to proceed until you start to get the hang of it.

You get better for you, girl.

[The Wifey]

beepee,

The very first thing you need to do is to breathe. Breathe deep. Realize that he is telling you what he feels. Feelings are a fact. They are what they are.

That doesn't mean you should give up right now. If you really want him then you have some serious work to do. I was there. In the hospital. I tried to end my life after my bomb.

I understand the overwhelming sadness that seems to take over. The utter hopelessness that feels like a pit that you can't climb out of.

Your H needs you to be stable and strong. You can get there.

You need to see this as a serious wake-up call. Now, when it matters most, you have to find the bottom. The bottom seems low but it is actually your stable base, too.

Start by getting up every day and looking out the window. Notice details around you. The smell of coffee. Flowers. The birds. Children playing. Take pleasure in how things feel, like a soft blanket against your face.

Then start a journal. When you want to call or email him then journal instead. You can say whatever you want.

He does care about you, but he is hurting right now. He will not stay out of contact forever. You can count on that. No divorces happen over night and you have time.

Catch your breath first, find your base, let yourself cry, but set a time limit. Then get up and do something. Make plans every night what you will do the next day. Stay busy.

Don't tell me you can't. You can and you must. If you really love him it is time to do WORK.

[Gardener]

Everything Wifey just said...

This why I hesitate at times to chime in and do so only briefly. I know there are people out there (like wifey) who always seem to know the exact right thing(s) to say.

Great post, wifey. (and thanks for your response to mine)

[beepee]

mishka422:

thanks so much for your kind words..we dont have any children together, married for 2.5 years, and hes not having an affair..not that i would know of tho if he was..but i dont think he is. i have stopped contacting him and i know its the best thing to do and im trying really hard at it.

Gardener:
thank you also for your kind works. ive read that section over and over again and im trying to think of ways to keep myself occupied..the problem is ive been diagnosed with a mood disorder and severe depression and my medication was just started 2 weeks ago and it takes about a month to work so i feel soo down in the dumps right now. its very hard for me to pick myself up when i feel so abandoned and suicidal everytime i think about him. im trying so hard...soo hard to get through this. i dont have family thats very supportive, when iw as crying about my H one night, my mom came into the room and yelled at me and said if its that bad, why dont you just kill yourself!! and i wanted to so bad..i felt like i had no one. so im trying to think of things that will help me and distract me. im in a very difficult situation because i dont work..i had a business with my H but now that hes gone, i cant do it anymore because he was the photographer for it, i dont know how to drive, i dont have any money to pay the rent for the studio we had and the landlord is very unsympathetic to my situation and i have to move everything out of there very soon. i dread it because i dont even have any energy to get out of bed, how can i move evertyhing out of this large studio?? and i have all these bills that need to be paid that my H left me with but i have no job and no money to be able to pay for it. i live in the suburbs with my parents and since i dont drive, i cant work..and because of my disorder, its hard to work right now..i simply just dont know what to do..i know its really important for me to focus on working on myself but its just so hard!!!! i dont eat, i hardly sleep. ive lost 20 pounds in 2 weeks (which is actually good because i gained 150 since ive been with my H and feel so ugly that i dont even want to go outside). im trying to hang in there, im trying to read as much as possible, im trying to distract myself but i find myself constantly cheking my email to see if hes contacted me. i know what i need to do, its a matter of being able to do it. i feel totally crippled because of everything.

[mishka422]

(((beepee))))

Hugs again to you sweetie.

Everything Wifey said is spot on. Please listen to her, she knows what she's talking about.

It took me a while to post my questions since I'm at work so I didn't see your post until now. Your story makes my heart break for you. So much has gone on in your short R, but it doesn't mean you can rebuild and have a better one.

The first thing you absolutely have to do is to get yourself in order. That is going to require you to do a lot of hard work. There is counseling available that is free or low cost. Please find it immediately. Contact your local family services department, a church, a community center, someone that can get you started in the right direction.

There is much self-doubt and self-loathing when these situations occur because we determine that it is all our own fault. Nothing is completely one person's fault. Ultimately you must come to grips with what you can control - yourself and your reactions and actions.

We're here, we're listening.

[beepee]

wifey:

thanks so much for your positivity. i know exactly what you are saying its great to get support here. i write in a journal..sometimes it helps..sometimes it doesnt. but i guess anything that helps a little is a good start.

I really really love him..so much it hurts..and i know in order to possibly get him back..i need to seriously work on myself. i know i hurt him a lot..all the days when i would scream at him for the most petty things, the mean words i would say that no one should ever say..the threats of suicide..they all took a toll on him and i regret it everyday. i know he cheated on me and that was my way of retaliating and i shouldnt have..thats not the person i am, thats not the person i want to be.

so thank you so much for your words, they are an inspiration. i will try as hard as humanly possible to work on myself and to make no contact with him..i just really hope he comes around..i dont expect it to happen soon..but i just need to have hope that he someday will..