I'm brand new to this board so I apologize that I'm not using most or really any of the abbreviations.
I've been married for a year and a half, we have a 9 month old daughter, no As, no separation, no drama ... just infrequent sex (like 1/wk) and only when I initiate. I don't think I even realized until recently that I was the only initiator through our whole relationship including when dating ... It probably was around the time that I confronted my husband about his viewing of porn. I knew that he looks at it and I don't have a problem with it so long as it isn't INSTEAD of having a physical relationship with me. I kind of freaked out in the most calm way possible and told him that I wasn't judging him and I didn't want him to feel ashamed but that I knew that he looks at porn and I wanted to use this opportunity to let him know that I have a sex drive too and that it is important to me and to our relationship that we have sex and that he initiate (at least SOMETIMES). He told me he understood ... etc ... nods ... no explanation. And no change. We've discussed this several times. I sobbed last week trying to explain how important sex is for our relationship.
I never thought this was a problem or an issue b/c, although I've had several partners, my husband has never been with anyone sexually or otherwise other than me so I assumed that his behavior was merely "shyness." But we've been together for 6 years ( 4 1/2 dating and 1 1/2 marriage) and this has never changed. I basically have to show up naked or in lingerie in order for him to get the hint. I am not a subtle lady so he should have picked up on this way before I took off my clothes. I'm not interested in being the initiator and I have never declined sex from my husband if/when it was offered (which was never). And I am sure that he doesn't have a sex drive problem.
I know that comparatively this is less dire and dramatic than some others but I am finding myself restless and trapped in my marriage. I know myself and I find that I daydream about leaving and running away with basically any man / woman / human who will be willing to acknowledge my sexuality. It has gotten to the point that even when we do ML, I'm not that interested. I'm almost ... I can't believe I'm going to say this ... grossed out. So there's my problem.
Anyone able to offer some kind words to a caged bird?
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
I guess I was sure b/c he says that he is interested in having sex more than we do. It just doesn't happen. But I'm glad that you are challenging my assumption -- I guess I don't know.
Has your H ever had his testosterone level checked? It is fairly common to have low levels and that can influence lobido or lack thereof.
There are differences in sex drives. This may just be him. Can you accept the difference or does it magnify in your mind? What we focus on can often become a problem.
Are the other parts of your relationship healthy? Could there be things he isn't happy about that are manifesting in your sex life? Is he otherwise happy? Does he open up about his feelings to you?
The one thing I would worry about is that a man takes his sexuality as very important. While you felt so bad about this and verbalized it, it could have an opposite effect from what you wanted it to. You have verbalized dissatisfaction. (Perfectly valid feelings, by the way.) He now may feel tense or worried about it. He might be feeling pressured to initiate and then balking at it.
I am going to recommend a book to you. It isn't one that I've seen anyone else talk about. Its called, "Kicked, Bitten, and Scratched: Life and Lessons at the World's Premier School for Exotic Animal Trainers"
You might be thinking I'm out of my mind - and many people would probably agree : ) - but this would be a good book for you. It talks about training animals, wild animals. It focuses on positive reinforcement of behavior you want to see and ignoring the behaviors you don't want.
Perhaps now that you have verbalized your frustration, positive reinforcement of any positives at all, and reassurance of how much you love him right now, despite this, would go a long way toward a solution.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Wifey, Thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciate the kindness I have found on this board even in the day I've been here. I've been almost embarrassed about posting b/c I think I've been belittling the significance of the problem.
My husband has not has his testosterone checked b/c as far as I can tell, it wasn't a sex drive issue. He really is interested in sex almost every time I initiate and I also know that he looks at porn. So I guess I assumed that it was an initiation / intimacy problem.
The part that has been eating away at me is that I am often not that satisfied w/ the duration of our ML but have never let him know that because of how sensitive an issue it is. You can't just tell a man "You're too quick in bed ... oh and foreplay is like an eternity and then when we actually do it, it is for too short of a time." Can you???
I can accept a difference in sex drive if that is the case. I wish and hope that I am the one w/ the LD because I'm willing to ML anytime so long as he's interested and takes initiative.
My husband is a very bottle-it-up type of person. He would not tell me if he wasn't happy. But the littlest things make him happy like a meal when he comes home or a kiss. So I just try to keep those things coming to ensure that he is happy ... and I wouldn't know if he wasn't. It is kind of like a guessing game with him.
I don't think you are out of your mind re: your book suggestion. I will definitely take a look at it. If nothing else, it will improve my relationship with my dog. ;-)
Lamb, You might also try The Five Love Languages. I am reading it now. Your love language is probably physical touch. Your H's might be acts of service.
In a healthy M you should certainly be able to give your partner feedback on your lovemaking, but it HAS to be done in a very positive way. As in, I really love what you are doing right now. Could you touch right there longer? Could you be gentler, or rougher or use your tongue there... A direct criticism will only put a wet blanket on any desire there is.
My H unfortunately has ED, so quick or slow - it isn't happening at all. Very much part of our problem right now.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Welcome Lamby...yes please do create a post down in the SSM section - You will get more specified advice. But keep this post going as well, because this section gets a lot of traffic and so many knowlegeable people come through here.
From your first post: "I know myself and I find that I daydream about leaving and running away with basically any man / woman / human who will be willing to acknowledge my sexuality. It has gotten to the point that even when we do ML, I'm not that interested. I'm almost ... I can't believe I'm going to say this ... grossed out. So there's my problem."
YIKES! Thank god you are here! You were literally on the brink of an affair, the only missing ingredient was a predator who realized how vulnerable you are to pay too much attention to you!
But from everything else I've read in your sitch on this post, yours is a fixable situation (as long as you can get your H on board, and so far it sounds likely).
One thing to keep in mind, and I can't remember if anyone has already said this to you or not, but this will TAKE A LOT OF TIME to repair, possibly a year or two...but it will be worth it. If you had not found us now, you would have eventually ended up divorced in all likelihood, so you can see how putting the time in to fix this will be SO WORTH IT. But we just have to tell you about the time it will take, because most people who come seeking advice want just "an answer" that universally works and works over night. Such a thing does not exist, so you gotta get real with yourself - this will take time and work.
Hopefully, the work in your case will produce a great sex life, so hurrah!
Welcome, and please do copy your post down to SSM and we'll chat more...
