Me 39 professional current sahm Him 36 Married 12 years two preschool kids
First post, similar story to many around here. In our case, two very independant people started to drift apart after having two small kids. We knew we put ourselves on the back burner, and were all set to start going on holidays etc, when he was hit very hard by his next birthday and he was no longer young, missed a big promotion at work he expected to get. He spent 12 months in 2008 being not happy, increasingly angry at me and not sure why.
At start 2009, I got ILYBNILWY. In a very undignified manner I spent three months explaining why he was wrong, in tears, talking about relationship non stop etc. He did tell me that all his life he had gone with other peoples choices and he now wanted to make his own choices (which I agree and think is good).
I then found this site and made my mantra "Shut the F*** up". I also aimed to make our home the santuary it usually is, and lost all my remaining pregnancy weight. It was hard for me to take up other interests with two very small children, but I went out more although did follow him around too much (he travels quite a bit for work so I wanted to hang out). Things calmed down and we started to connect more again, but whenever we started to laugh and joke or feel really at ease, he would break it off by leaving the room or similar, not really trying as he had already made up his mind.
Two weeks ago, he said it wasn't working, he had noticed lots of changes but I should be making them for me not him, if he were to stay in the house he would end up hating me and he wanted to financially separate. He said he felt our marriage was over.
I dont think there is anyone else involved, he does not care where he lives, and have seen nothing at this stage to suspect that right now.
About here my self respect just withered away and I decided to take back my life and drop the rope. I said fine, first we will have to sell everything up to maintain the cashflow to support two households (he had not thought of that, thought he could just get play money in a separate account and everything else would be the same). I said but instead of him moving out, I would move back to the city we lived in before we had kids as I needed to work. Both our families live there and he works around there but we are living in our dream house in the country so he had thought I would stay here but understands.
And I said we need to do this now to get it over and done with so I can move on with my life. He was suprised at the speed I wanted to move things along and said maybe we could live togther until things sell (till end of year?). I reminded him this week that he was the one that was sure he wanted all these things and could not live with me, I was the one still wearing my wedding band, but was going to make the best of this situation. He said he understood.
I got my first ILY all year tacked on the end of a phone conversation yesterday - was this just habit??????
For three months this year I destroyed my self estem by throwing myself at this guy in stupid stupid ways. He seems to be MLC and has not sorted out his head by a long shot. But I don't want to drive him away by missing a change in gear. And I certainly don't want to reconnect the rope when nothing has really changed.
What should I be doing now???? We are still under the same roof, separate bedrooms, he travels quite a bit for work. We still talk well on day to day stuff, he talks more to me than anyone, he is just SURE us spliting up will solve his problems.
Any wise or insightful people want to comment what I should do now?
I'm sure this will come as a big shock to everyone here (not!), but I do think there may be someone else in the picture. He's certainly demonstrating all the signs. Have you checked for that possibility? Would it be a dealbreaker for you?
I think you've done a great job at "dropping the rope" and putting the onus back on HIM, and it looks like it's WORKING. I would say just keep it up. When you get a chance, check out Sandi's posts, as she has some VERY detailed ones about how you shouldn't be treating him like a HUSBAND anymore, but more like a roommate, since he has indicated he no longer wants the marriage.
I gotta say, I love your mantra! I think a couple of dozen other people on this site could use the same one!!!
He had about a dozen other people involved for about six months. He shifted to a new work area with a bunch of young single blokes who liked to party and had been letting off steam with them. I work in the same industry and so have a few sources helping out with whats been happening. He is kind of rotating out of that area now and seems to not need to party so will be interesting to see what happens next.
The main reason I think no one else is involved is that he doesn't care if he lives where we live now in the country or hours away in the big smoke, location is not important to him. Oh, and I got his best mate to ask him if anyone else was on the scene too, a family bloke who can't understand what he is doing.
Ok, so he is coming home tomorrow after a few days away for work and would like to "talk". We are currently working through asset division, all very friendly and agreeable but charging full steam to two separate households once assets sold.
The catch 22 is that the more we discuss details of forming two households, the friendlier and more relaxed he gets with me. I *think* part of this is that he feels is taking control of his life and this is building his self estem.
I wouldn't mind this for myself, but at this stage we will have to tell our kids which, as other posters know, would destroy them. I still do not think there is someone else in the wings for reasons above, especialy that he doesn't care what location he ends up in.
I am not sure how to play this "talk". It will be about details about when I will be moving out. For the last couple of weeks I have said I want it to be as fast as possible as I do not want to be under the same roof as a husband who has made it clear he not want to be with me. This seems to have got his respect and he has changed his attitude towards me quite a bit, but do I need to keep moving out to maintain this (I really do not want to do this esp with kids involved, but am prepared to)?
We have a wait till a property sells option he might suggest as it would make most sense financially, but I don't know if this would be a backflip for me? I have been really working on the just be friends part around the house a la Sandi (thanks puppy, good reading), so we could be comfortable living under the same roof in general. But he wouldn't have resolved any of his issues, and I don't know if this would make it worse for us in the long run??
What would be a good outcome for me to suggest here??
So H has been home a few days right now. My strategy was to:
-make sure house was nice and inviting (check) -act as he has already left the house and its my brother come to stay (check) -identify trouble spots in tension and work out way to get around them. Biggest one is probably 2nd half of evening, sleeping options start to cause stress and can cause tension in otherwise ok evening. Decided to just wander off to bed when I was ready, not say goodnight etc, this is helping me and evening. Must work out more graceful way, but this will do for now. -keep working on the friendship only side of things. This went well. Spent one evening in particular sitting together sorting out music files on computer, not so much the activity but was really comfortable, more than has been most oh year. I am much better on computers than him, made a real effort to shut up and watch, only offering shortcuts when asked, 180 for me. - came up with several activities that I could do if things got a bit tense (housework 5 min jobs to break mood). This worked well as could leave room if mood went down a gear. -also made effort to get off couch in evenings, to mix up habits and change evening routines. Allows for different interactions, seemed to help.
bummer stuff - had to sign paperwork for major asset sale. signed in front of him without reading papers, major 180 for control freak me (its ok, I read them in detail 2am night before!). Didn't sign say a word as signed, another big 180 for me.
Good stuff - much more relaxed around each other, some good moments no dark moods from him - he helped heaps more around house than has done for months - no R talk, no serious talks at all. - He asked me to buy one camera next pay - significance of that is a few weeks ago he said we would need two cameras to replace our broken one, one each. When I called him on it, I said just say what u want to say which lead him to say I want to move out. Might still end up with two cameras but not this week.
SO, think the connection is bit better than previous week, for both of us. But we are still right on the edge of separation which is the big black cloud cramping what could otherwise be a chance to move forward in more relaxed style.
Have to say I just love have coolly and smartly you`re handling all of this.
I`m a little surprised that you`ve jumped at moving out of the family home. It will be more unsettling for the kids if they`ve to move house too as well as face separation. And your H is the one, after all, who wants the split.
I hope you`ve got legal advice on the best way to proceed.
Have your figured too how you`re going to work with the kids?
Your H does sound like he`s in MLC mode. Its more like an urge to be the single guy again and doesn`t necessarily mean he`s involved with anyone else. Cellphone silent/switched off passwords in email changed,taking extra care with personal appearance, little signs like that could point to a possible A.
You really do seem to take control very quickly. You jumped in to get the S steamrolled on. "He was suprised at the speed I wanted to move things(separation) along" Sounds like your H has more of a problem making decisions and is attracted to a strong woman and yet may resent you for being strong.
Yeah, "shut the f*** up".I`m (we`re?!)at another(sigh!)juncture in our M. I`m just gonna stick with that mantra! Thanks!
My reason for moving out of the family home is that my career was in the city, along with much of my support network for baby sitting etc. We moved to a smaller town to bring up the kids, which we love but I just could not get the work in my field here. At the moment H says he would give me cash for a big house deposit and enough monthly $ to support the rest of the mortgage and live of without having to work. I would prefer to lock that in now as its another couple of years before my youngest is school age.
In the interim, I can start part time work in the city and get my networks back up just in case (!!) he has a change of heart a little down track and wants to cut or minimise support.
I have been reading early posts of Hearts Blessing and Snoddery and can relate to so much of what they have said about MLC. I think the first half of this year H had both Anger and Replay, during a period of a couple of months in particular the cell phone was on silent and I did for the first time wonder if there was someone else around. At the moment since about two months ago, he takes all calls in front of me again, has started wearing old clothes again, tells me all about his day, and is home heaps more, so seems to have moved on from that phase.
But although I never found any actual evidence, we will certainly be having a conversation down track if we stay together about that. About two months ago at the height of his er journey, he did an extreme sport with an old mate, and came back saying to both the mate and me that his head had cleared, he no longer felt like like he was in a washing machine, just treading water now. The same week one of his party mates had a dumb accident H could have been involved in if was around, so I think he started to see through the fog. In hindsight, his anger dropped off about 80% from that weekend, and he started to reconnect with his family, whom he had also been neglecting.
Unfortunately for me, coming out of the fog somewhat, he seemed to firm on the idea that he wanted not have me in his life. He started to say that he wanted his own place in the small town, and if he stayed with me he may end up hating me etc. I was very concerned if he kept partying we would end up having no money left, so for financial reasons had to make a stand now. Oddly enough since I have pointed this out to him, he has been mr resonsible with money (couple of weeks anyway). If he regresses again we would need to do this anyway.
I am not handling this much better than anyone else I dont think! But I work well with major change in my life and when my back is againt the wall, and I know that I may not have the choice on all thats happening right now, but I will use this as the spring board to end up in the best place possible for the next chapter of my life, not just an ok place. I see change as always an oportunity.
And I just gave myself one week of a full on Private Pity Party, as part of my dropping rope plan(last week). My beautiful dog died at the start of the week, so I wept and wailed, listened to very sad songs all week, felt very sorry for myself, spent the weekend kid free with a girlfriend getting very drunk and finishing up the week with a three hour counselling session where I mapped out my best next chapter for my life. With two little kiddies I just cannot do the mope about mama routine any longer and taking charge feels so much better! I do reserve the right to multiple backslides and stuff ups, but it feels much better trying to go out with style and grace and smiles rather than wimper out the back door.
I have backed off any separation talk completly, and will see if that slows things down a bit. I did read your thread a couple of days ago, I feel I don't have much to add as I am new, but I will stop by again .
Oh you`re one to watch! Love that you`re not stuck like I so often feel in all of this. I am too damn scared to take the separation route even though my siblings are screaming at me to get out. There`s always a little bit of me that insists on hoping.
Anyway, for me the Last Resort Technique is the way to go. It helps me keep sane in this separated but living together space and helps me towards independence and a realisation that if the M fails I`ll still be fine.
And maybe like you, go to a damn great new chapter of my life.
I totally HATE the idea of separation, it kills me inside. For 90% of our time together we had a wonderful marriage, both very different but always found ways to connect within our seperate worlds. With the separation thing, I basically articulated what he said he wanted, although in hindsight I could have just listed the things he wanted without the S word. Once its out there, its harder to take back if you know what I mean, so you HAVE to be prepared to carry through with it.
In the beginning when it first came up, H was spending like there was no tomorrow, I had spent 12 months trying to say whoah cowboy, but got no more response on this issue than if I had of been talking to the horse, so needed to make it now as a straight business decesion projecting this behavior forward 12 months. Oddly enough, since bringing this up, his spending has been the best it has EVER been in 12 years or marriage. Just like that. He does that once he decides something. I dont know if this is to prove to himself he will be great and have all the skills to fly solo or if he is trying to say something to me.
Every time I seem to make choices based on acceptable behavior and boundaries, HE does the 180s on me and plays with my head again.
I will stick to no separation talk at all, delete the word from my vocab but happy to keep working through the components when he brings them up.
I have my new solo life ready to go once the $$ comes through which will take a few months I think, so have a little time. I did try to get him to get it happening as quick as possible, but I think if I back of from that it might allow a bit of space while we are under the same roof to see if the friendship can keep developing that seems to have started up in the last couple of weeks, or if its just a pity thing on his behalf (I couldn't handle the pity thing!)
