Hello All, I was here once and now I'm back again. Basically, we looked very very done and then things slowed down quite a bit.
Basic background: H wanted a separation and moved in with a friend November 2008. He came home and said he wanted to date other people while separated. I was shocked I agreed to it. (I hate myself for that, in hindsight). Turns out he was in teh process of starting an EA with a 23 year old coworker. By January he had gone to see a divorce lawyer, because things were getting pretty hot and heavy with is coworker, after I learned, she kissed him at work. By mid January, OW has a new, rich and younger than my H boyfriend and H gets his heart broken. Really I think it was more of a pride issue. OW calls me to let me know that "nothing every happened between us....I don't know how you do it, he's sort of annoying...have you notice how he's going bald?" I told her she would notice that better than me because she's taller than H, I'm not. So, over the last few months, OW has maintained her relationship with the new BF who lives about an hour out of town. She still hooks up with her EX bf and sometimes still flirts with my H. Over the last most recent weeks, 5 or so, I would guess, she's really cooled off to H and he's doing ok to well about it. But I do believe he still harbors some feelings for her.....the new rumor is that she and the new BF are going to be getting engaged this summer, possibly even this coming weekend.
In the meantime, H has moved into his own place. A little birdie told me he was expecting early summmer fire works when he moved out again.....from me going balistic. So I packed his stuff while he was playing golf and S was sleeping. I loaded up my SUV so when he got home, he could just take my SUV and go. I forgot the camera for when he got home to capture the look on his face....a huge regret of mine since it was truly priceless.
H went and saw his lawyer again about 3 weeks ago. His parents are paying for this new apartment, month to month. Same day H went and saw the lawyer, he said he would agree to counseling, and would be sincere. So I found a program online that I wanted us to try. I told H I would contest the D on the grounds we never sought professional help. I think his lawyer told him the same thing mine did, which is I would get my professional counseling, ordered by the courts because we have a 3 year old, however, eventually H would get his divorce because we live in a no fault state. So H agreed to do the at home program....then complained and moaned the how hour we were working on it. Around this time, a distant cousin found H on Facebook. They start communicating there, then they exchange numbers. So this distant, female cousin has replaced the other OW in terms of being his phone buddy. I once read a message that came in on his phone while I was in the kitchen and he went to the bathroom. I should not have read it, but hard not to. I simply said "She can't make you do any program and she can't make you stay married." The next hour, he's telling me he doesn't want to do the program and he's done. I said fine, I'm still contesting on the grounds we did not seek professional help. This at home program was the compromise because I know how much you don't want someone in our face asking us to repeat what the other just said. In the last week, H said he would try the program "but not because you badgered me into it or threaten me. I'm doing this because you said it would minimum help us get along better.....but it's not going to have the end result I think you want." I said "I once made the mistake of overestimating my worth in this relationship. I advise you from experience not to do the same."
So we are up to week two, where we made the promise to table certain issues, problems and stop doing certain things to irritate or upset the other. We're supposed to do this to remove the negatives and replace it with positives. So far, not too bad.
At this point, I'm not even sure what I'm fighting for. I think I have gotten to a point where I just really want to make sure I tried everything and did everything so I can be honest with my son when I tell him "Mommy fought tooth and nail."
I'm pretty much where you are, just pregnant and without the affair (that I know of, anyway)... Not sure WHY I want to get back together with my H sometimes but I think it's the most important thing for the kids.
Sometimes I remember how much we used to love each other and have fun together, and I don't really want to find that with someone else.
The most useful aspect of DB'ing so far for me has been the "getting a life" - H said I became where I wasn't even a person anymore after having DD, and I'm finally seeing how I was missing out by not enjoying my friends, or buying myself things, or treating myself.
I've been enjoying the 180 too so far, because that confuses the hell out of H, and that makes it kind of fun for me.
Good luck! It's no fun to be here, but there are lots of great posters with wisdom and advice...
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
Well H and I are up to four, no fights. That's pretty big for us!! LOL!! I found this marriage question thing on line and he took it. It dealt with emotional needs, everything from affection to household duties and more. Very insightful. He doesn't have our S until next Monday night, so we will probably won't see him again until Sunday, maybe. S and I are going out of town on Friday to go visit my best friend from childhood when both of our fathers were stationed overseas! it's amazing who can find you on line now! So I'm excited about that. H is going to hours east to see an old friend of ours who is turning 40 and having a poker tournament to celebrate. H leaves on Saturday and comes back late late Saturday. I think S and I will leave Friday for Alabama and get back mid evening on Saturday. I like to have some time at home to recover after a trip....I'm such an old lady! But so far, so good. I know H spoke with his lawyer this week. Not sure what the discussion was about obviously.....but nothing I can do about it, so why think about it, right? One day at a time.
Took a trip to Alabama and it was fabulous. I am soooo glad I went to see my childhood best friend that I met overseas when our father's were stationed there. It was amazing to see her and her family. She's doing great and she deserves it. So, we'll be seeing more of each other as the three hour drive.....really not bad.
H went on a two our drive to another town on Saturday for a birthday poker tournament for our weird but wonderful friend or ours. (He can speak Star Trek languages and crap and REALLY LOVES poker.) Anyways, I was told by the guy who drove there from home that H was "off". He wasn't sure why, but H was not himself.
We communicated a bit Friday and Saturday. Not too much, and all was basically ok.
Sunday. H calls then texted me because I didn't hear the phone ring. He wanted to come by and see S. I said sure, great. He comes over for about an hour. I was exercising and then cleaning. He was sort of reserved, but then flirty too. Thought nothing of it.
He leaves. He says his stomach was killing him.....too much to drink.
Later, he calls again....."What are your plans for the day?" "Well, I'm getting ready to mop, then I'm going to shower and hit the mall." Short conversation shorter, I invited him to come over and go with us to the mall. He was sort of weird when he came in the morning and sort of weird on the phone....but it wasn't me and I could clearly tell that.
We have standing Sunday night dinner plans with our friends. We eat there every Sunday, so I knew I would see him again that day but he wanted to come with us. So I expected him in about an hour, he's there five minutes later. Surprised me, but no big deal.
I'm getting ready to slap on my make up and he comes into the bathroom, puts his head down on my leg. I rubbed his head and then I saw it/felt it: He's crying. I said Sit up. He said no. I push him up, look at him and wrapped me around him. We lay down and just proceeds to lose it. I asked "Is your mother ok?" (Heart problems in the past.....) He said yes. I say nothing for about five minutes. I ask "What's wrong?" He said "I'm sad. I don't want to be sad, mad or stressed anymore." I said why are you sad? He said "I don't know." I leave it alone. Eventually, we're there for about half an hour. S comes to check on us and tells us to kiss after he gives both of us kisses. Very cute.
H gets up and says "Alright, get ready. I've got to write an email."
So I get up and think he's emailing OW. BECAUSE: OW got engaged this weekend. Saw it on Facebook before he came back over. So this whole time now, I thinking this breakdown is because of that. So while I'm annoyed, I'm letting it go. I think he's feeling sad and very stupid.
I checked on S while I was getting ready. I see H is typing a book. I again feel ARRAGEHEHHGHHAGH but let it go. I am thinking What could he possibly have to say to her? Let it go already.
Then he says to me, Alright, go check your email. I wrote you something.
My heart drops and I asked, Am I going to kick you after I read this? He said, "Well no because I'll block it, but you might feel like trying anyways." Great. I go read it.
Basically it read to me like "We are not going to make it because there's too much water under the bridge. I should be happy with our life because Vince is perfect, you take care of me and our house and you're so attractive.....but I think too much has happened and I'm destined to be sad and alone forever......and our problems have nothing to do with anyone. As a matter of fact, OW was weird and all week and I told her Friday to move on. Get a new job. (they work together) You can't deal with my life the way it is, so move on. Leave me alone......oh and then she gets engaged on Sunday......"
Thats the short version. But to me it read like "but there's too much water under the bridge right? You and I won't work out, right?"
I told him after I read the email: Look let's do the freaking marriage program. I have no idea what will happen. I have no idea if I can forgive you (He interjects with You can't) I said I don't know. But this programs says it can teach us to forgive each other to love again. If it can't then we're right where we started when this all went crazy. Do the program. Let's figure it out. If we can't we go our separate ways knowing we tried."
When we left for the mall, I asked him, are you saying you don't want a family? Because in the email he explained he was sad because on his way to the poker birthday thing, everyone was talking about their families and it made him sad. He's not sure why but he was sad. I think it's because he's really screwed things up here and he wanted to be in on the conversation and should have been because HE DOES HAVE A WIFE AND SON WHICH IS A FAMILY. But everyone in the car knows we're going through some stuff. He said "No, that's not it.....I just need to work it out. I'm not sure how to say it just yet." I left it alone.
At the mall, I learn his new place has NOTHING in it. I thought it was furnished. The only thing in there is a dining room table, with an air mattress, and a TV he just bought. So for someone who hates to be alone, that stark living arraingment.....not so good for the soul. We go in Sears. Huge mattress sale. He's laying on some. I'm helping with my opinion. He says, well, I get one we can always through out that cheap, rock hard guest room bed and put this one in there.......I nodded, encouragingly but said nothing.
He has dinner with us. He's ok. He doesn't eat much. He leaves I walk him out and told him to have faith. He said "I do, that's the problem, I have faith in too many people and too much." I said "Concentrate on us. And our little family." He nodded. I also said "Tomorrow, you go to work and you own that place. You are YOU. Anyone gives you stink eye or looks at you funny, you go ask them why." He looked at me and said Thanks Lady.
Then he left.
I know he's probably got some concerns about people snickering at work that she's engaged when there was a time he seemed so sure they were going to a true item. And frankly, while I was supportive, I think he deserves this particular slice of crow pie. Evil but true.
So, any advice? Suggestions?
I'm thinking of a hard back off. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday he's got S, but he stays at our place on those nights. Then he's got S this long weekend too, but his parents are coming. I'm sure he'll be at his place with S then instead of ours. But I'm not sure, and I'm not asking. Tonight, for me, I have tennis. Then tomorrow is family night and Wednesday, is yoga. So I've got plans but just not sure what to do......
I think I've hit a critical time here and need to capitalize and do this right.
