Over the Shock and GALing 6

[theroadback]

Hey Thinker,

I still follow your thread, your sitch is so much like mine. I am bummed that you got to this point. I really though things were going to turn around for you. Well its not over yet.
I am thinking that I am going to head down the same patch you are.

Something occurred to me. You said something about a shock factor, the shock of going through the process may shock you wife into a decision. That decision could be that she does not want a divorce, that she actually does want to work it out.
I believe this with your wife based on the little things she does.

Now I was thinking, for the shock factor to have the most effect would it be better to go right in and file no bs, no talking, just file?

I am thinking that if you walk her through it step by step like you are doing there will be no shock factor at all and she will go with it. seem’s like you are making it easy for her.

The story about the frog comes to mind.

If you put a frog in a pot full of water and turn the burner on he will boil to death.

If you put a frog into boiling water he will jump out.

I feel like by walking her though this you are putting her in the pot full of water and turning the burner on.

[Gardener]

Thinker,

Thinking a bit about the Stockdale Paradox:

Great, brutal post.
And a good exercise in clarity. I'm going to Stockdale my sitch, too. jtj's idea a while back of looking at one's own first post is great, too.

As always, Thanks.

You will prevail.
No doubt.

[Thinker]

Thanks TRB,

Now I was thinking, for the shock factor to have the most effect would it be better to go right in and file no bs, no talking, just file?

I am thinking that if you walk her through it step by step like you are doing there will be no shock factor at all and she will go with it. seem’s like you are making it easy for her.

We've agreed that neither of us is going to "file" - we are going the mediation path - cheaper, better for the future coparenting R, etc. So I am not going to file and drop it on her.

I Agree, however, that scheduling a mediation appointment doesn't have the same ring of "I have decided" finality that filing does.

[orangedog]

Thinking a bit about the Stockdale Paradox:

"Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."

Thinker, this is great. I've never seen anyone break it down like this - must be that analytical mind at work. The O'Dog is going to do this same exercise.

As you've discovered, the Short Story is we can't let them ruin our game. "Prevail" means living the best we can.




(O'Dog now updates his sitch in "Surviving the Big D")

[Heartbroken20]

Thanks TRB,

Now I was thinking, for the shock factor to have the most effect would it be better to go right in and file no bs, no talking, just file?

I am thinking that if you walk her through it step by step like you are doing there will be no shock factor at all and she will go with it. seem’s like you are making it easy for her.

We've agreed that neither of us is going to "file" - we are going the mediation path - cheaper, better for the future coparenting R, etc. So I am not going to file and drop it on her.

I Agree, however, that scheduling a mediation appointment doesn't have the same ring of "I have decided" finality that filing does.

T - Your current "status" is very similar to mine. Your "summarizing post" above is spot on and a big 2x4 for me.

Sorry to see you have arrived in this place, and for all of us who are right there with you, especially having DB'd the best we could to try to improve things.

One thought. Have you considered the Collaborative Law approach?

In CL, all four people (S's & L's) meet together to settle the D as quickly/easily as possible (if there IS such a thing). No discussion/decisions regarding various issues are made outside of the meetings. That way each party has legal advice present every step of the way so someone doesn't feel "cheated" later. The parties also legally agree to waive their right to sue later on, presuming no major changes in circumstances have occurred (loss of job, remarriage, etc.) so what you settle on is what you get.

To me, the downside of mediation is that it is not legally binding and once everything agreed upon is reviewed by respective lawyers for legality, etc., issues/revisions inevitably come up that will then have to be negotiated all over again.

With CL, everything is negotiated once, legally agreed to, and then on to the next topic. If a specialist is desired (i.e., child psych, financial expert, etc.) only one is hired for both parties and meets only with all parties present, avoiding the he-said/she-said discussions/posturing.

If, at any time, the lawyers feel someone is not negotiating in good faith or is otherwise trying to disrupt/delay the process, they are required to recuse themselves and neither party can use them again for any legal advice, etc., and everything has to start over. This means it's in both part parties best interest to cut through the BS and be done with it.

I see it as a compromise between cut-throat traditional divorce and the mediation approach. Might be the "finality" ring you are looking for and create a water temperature just hot enough to lift some fog????

It's the approach my W and I about to undertake, unfortunately, as it seems to be the least destructive to post-D relations, co-parenting, etc. Also, it is not tied to the court system's schedule, etc. Once everything is signed, a judge and Fam Court judge sign off on it to make it a done deal.

For more info, just google it, there a national organization of lawyers who specialize in it. Shouldn't be done with just any D lawyer, as they are accustomed to going for the throat.

Anyway, fwiw.

[Thinker]

Journaling:

Away on a business trip now for 3 days - 3 more until I get home. I am enjoying the separation as it is giving me a chance to think. I have been mostly dark - calling to talk to the boys every day, and a few logistical emails back and forth but not much. W has made a few minor attempts to reach out to me, but I am responding to her now-characteristic short notes with even shorter ones.

I have caught myself backsliding into reconciliation fantasies a couple of times over the past days. Each time I have to remind myself of how my W feels and how she has treated me and our R. That get's once more detached and back in touch with reality.

Trying not to think about the discussions that will take place when I get home. Every time I do so, I start trying to play them out, predict where they will go, etc. and that gets me no where.

Started to sit down and document my "new" plan to move ahead, but didn't get really far. The travel, all day meetings, and sleepless nights have worn me down.

Need to go to bed.

[tryingtilDorR]

sleepless nights have worn me down.

Thinker - get a doctor to prescribe some sleeping pills for you. After months of sporadic sleep every night I finally did it a few weeks ago and it has made a big difference for me. I am using Lunesta, but there are others you can try. I had tried over the counter sleeping pills but they left me feeling lousy in the morning, but the prescription ones don't.

[godswill]

Thinker I am wish you peace and strength - I know exactly how you feel as I travel frequently. It gives you a chance to either get some clear thinking and strength or can be a real tough time if you worry about the what ifs. I think you are doing great and it is perfect to put down the thoughts of what she will say in a conversation. Trust in your intention and there is nothing else you can do. Have a good night sleep it makes it so much easier to deal with things if you are rested.

[Thinker]

Thanks for the good wishes! I ended up getting about 5 hours of decent sleep, plus 2 hours of tossing and turning. I think I do need a prescription for ambien cr or something similar.

---

Thought of the day:

If Love is an action, not a feeling, then you don't need to ask someone if they love you or hear them say it to know if they do or if they don't. Just look at their actions toward you.

Likewise, don't point to your own feelings and declare them love. Look at your own actions.

In my case, both reflections are a bit painful. If I look at Mrs. T's actions toward me in the past few years, I see little to no love. Likewise, however, when I turn the flashlight on myself. For many years in our M, I declared myself to be in love, I said I loved her, but if I look at my actions during those years...not hateful, not mean, but certainly not loving. In fact, even during the past year I can point to instances where I was feeling love, but my actions were not loving.

Sad how we treat each other...

[Gardener]

Thinker.

Thanks for the good wishes! I ended up getting about 5 hours of decent sleep, plus 2 hours of tossing and turning. I think I do need a prescription for ambien cr or something similar.

Look up melatonin, a natural hormone made by the pineal gland which, like most glands, produces less as we age. Likewise, look up Pantothenic acid (vitB5), THE stress vitamin. And magnesium.

Disclaimer: this post is for informational purposes only and is not intended to diagnose or cure any medical condition. See your Healthcare provider for details. Tell your doctor if you have WAW, are or have recently GALed,180d, or as iIf'ed. Contact your your doctor immediately if you experience any counter-intuitive thoughts or actions, as this may indicate severe DBing.

Keep going.