Circling the drain

[needinghope]

I joined the site a few weeks ago after my husband moved out. I'm not sure how everything works, so I have skipped around from place to place. Now, I feel like I have a better grasp of where I should be posting, so here is the background on my unraveling knot:

I am still in shock so much of my life makes no sense right now. My H and I have been married for almost 6 years. We do not have kids (thank God). We are both 30. My H had an affair beginning in Mar 07 and I discovered it Oct of the same year. We went to a C but she was a little weird. He began corresponding with the OW again in 08, but stopped within a few months. In April 09 I found an email that he sent to her that basically said he missed her. When I confronted him, he left for 2 weeks. I didn't handle it well. I called non-stop and was pretty much a mess when we talked. He came back because he had no where else to go. I called a DB coach and I began DBing. I stopped initiating all R talk and began focusing on more positive parts of our marriage. I felt great. We were relaxed and comfortable again. we began having fun together again. Then when I got home on Friday, June 5th, filled with excitement because summer was here (I teach), I discovered that all of my H's stuff was gone. I was shocked. I thought things were improving, but he said he didn't know if he could ever feel the kind of love he once did for me. I have called and cried and begged for him to come home. I know that that is the worst way to handle it, but I've been out of my mind. It's not been easy on him either. He even called to tell me that he is miserable and even vomiting!

I was a mess without a job to distract me from the eerie quiet of my house. I left and went to my parents for a week, which was hard. They only recently heard of any marital problems at all. We kept it from our families thinking foolishly that it was better that way.

The week was in someways productive, but I am having a lot of trouble getting a grip on my emotions. I can hardly deal with the pain and lack of a plan. I want to work on it. I have forgiven the infidelity and have uncovered and taken responsibility for the full spectrum of my contribution to the problems in our M. So, naturally, I want him to come home so we can heal. But, he feels differently.

He has agreed to go to counseling. He wants to see if our marriage can be saved, but will not come home until he sees a lot of evidence in that regard. I am frustrated because I believe that healing will be stifled by living apart. I am not handling the loneliness of this well at all, and it seems to be keeping me from progress. I am becoming aware that gave him total control of my happiness. Yet, what good does it do to realize that, if you don't know how to change it? I need advice from others who have come back from this. Thanks to anyone who lends a hand.

[cat03]

"that which is the hardest for you to do, that's what you should do"
which refers to the crying and begging you did , which you already know you should not do -- you CAN control your mind and not let your emotions take over. Right now the pain is pretty raw and it is understandable you feel this way. But there are different ways to channel your emotions, you must find outlets to help you think clearly.
You have to keep busy first of all, dont' stay home all day, join a meetup group, go jogging, volunteer, in helping others you will be helping yourself.
Your mind is your worst enemy, you must fill it with good reads, with positive stuff. Living apart is hard but sometimes it helps, the name escapes me, but do go to a bookstore and check out what they have on separation.
He's obviously hurting and confused, perhaps having time alone will help him think clearly. With all the heavines of my heart, after waiting for him for 8mths and living what I thought to be a somewhat happy M life for almost a year, I had to tell my now X to leave when I found out he was secretly going out with the woman he was seeing when he left the first time. I had found the strenght to let him go, to tell him to decide what he wanted on his own -- I refused to be disrespected while he lived with me.

Your H needs to find the courage to fight for your M and stay with you not because you begged him to or that he has no place to stay (mine came back because he was lonely and had no better place to go, big mistake). Otherwise it will go downhill, he has to want to fix the M and be with you, let him find his way.

He has agreed to C, that's awesome! make sure that you have a good C, some new age C are more trouble than help.

I found God again, and prayer healed me then and has helped me deal now after my D... sometimes my prayer was just a tearful "I can't take this anymore, please help me " over and over again. I found peace, and eventually I was able to smile when i woke up, I had to force myself to understand and know that even if he never came back I'd be ok, it was hard to come to that conclusion, but that gave me the strenght to find myself and to wait for him.

And you know what? I'm more than ok.

You WILL be ok, you have to believe it.

[needinghope]

Cat,

Thank yo so much for responding. BTW the verse that you are using in your signature is my favorite verse in the entire Bible, I believe.

I know that you are right about getting out and keeping busy. It is just so hard to find the motivation. All of my friends that I would usually hang out with are on vacation, so this week is going to be particularly hard for me. But, I went to the bookstore and bought 3 books to read this week, so I should be able to get inspiration there.

We are going to our 1st C session this evening. He said that he wants to talk a lot more than he has in the past. We've seen 2 Cs in the past year. The first was crazy; I should have run at the sight of all of the trolls and unicorns in her office. The 2nd did most of the talking and characterized our marriage according to sweeping genralizations that I'm pretty sure she got from a Dr. Phil book. Anyway, based on the website, tonight's session looks more promising. I need help with what direction I should be pursuing. My husband wants the counselor to get to know us and help us to determine what direction we should be heading. I think that is unrealalistic since MCs are supposed support the healing of the marriage if both partners are basically healthy and safe. So, I'm confused about whether or not I should talk about wanting to work things out. I don't want to pressure him and scare him off.

I'm confused and lonely and in need of advice. Thank you so much for your help.

[cat03]

if the MC is any good, then he'll deal with each of you separately for a while and work on your issues as well as meeting together and see what have been the problems and get to the root of them in an effort to heal the M.

What your H is suggesting is just not what a good C does (his description is eerily similar to the last MC we saw who was just a new age jerk who thought "no emotion is wrong". PErhaps your H is in a MLC and trying to find where he is in life and what should he be doing, do check the MLC resources. MLCers find themselves questioning everything and wondering if perhaps the last years of their lives were a lie and wondering about "where should them be heading" instead.

Remember to use "I feel" instead of "you should" sentences. The MC will ask each of you what you want out of C and you'll go from there, go ahead and speak your peace without begging nor pleading.
I pray pray you get a good C (lol about the unicorns!! I too had my crazy C encounter!)

Do see a C on your own or join a woman's group, my county offered a great program headed by a prof. counselor. Good luck!

[needinghope]

We are on a mission to find a counselor who will be a good fit for us. So, we are trying to see as many as possible. Our first C audition was yesterday and it went surprisingly well. No chanting, gargoyles, spells or cloaks, so first impressions were good. She put us both at ease and we actually got to do most of the talking, what a novel idea! She gave each of us a questionnaire to fill out independently. I began it today; it's very extensive. I keep coming across questions that concern his perceptions of me (personality, behaviors, ect.) and that I've heard my husband speak about specifically. There are a lot of them actually. It's exhausting to think about how steep our uphill climb is going to be. We have to bring the questionnaires back for an IC appt. Then, we will meet as a couple for our 2nd time to review the data.

Given what my husband thinks about the depth of our issues, how likely is it that he will commit to working on our M? AND, what level of commitment should I be looking for from him? Right now, the most he can say is that he doesn't want to get divorced. But, he's made it very clear that he will not return to our M as it is right now, and when he left our home he never intended to return. When I read that Cing works only when both people are committed to the M, I begin to think that I'm grasping at straws. Please tell me what you think about all of this. You seem to be wise and grounded, so I really appreciate what you have to say.

[cat03]

how likely is it that he will commit to working on our M?

You'll crack your skull trying to figured this one out, trying to get into his head to see what's he is thinking...don't. He is clearly on the fence and at this point this is what he has to offer, his willingness to go to C which brings us to point B:

he will not return to our M as it is right now

If he had to make the very very hard choice to leave, there is no way he wants more of the same and I don't blame him. Back in 06 when my then H left, I thought I was a fine W, I came home from work every day, cooked, cleaned, cared for kids...but I disrespected him in many other ways, I was at some degree abrasive because I thought my way was better, etc etc. It doesn't excuse the way he left, but my point is I was at fault too. So I ask you to look at yourself hard, to accept your end of the blame, it takes 2 to tangle. I also recommend reading "the proper care and feeding of Hs" by dr Laura. I was horrified to see behaviours that I thought ok were actually detrimental to my M.

Even though I'm not a prime example of a succesful D bust, for a while my then H came back after leaving for 8mths, it took him a while to realize that he also had a part in the demise of our M, at least 3mths of an anger phase in which he blamed me for it all...it was a long process so dont' hold your breath and hope he moves back next week. I DB and changed, and those changes are with me today even if he is not, I learned a lot about myself and by God's grace I'm a better person.

When I read that Cing works only when both people are committed to the M, I begin to think that I'm grasping at straws.

Your H wants to see if the M has the hopes to be repair, he does not want to D but does not want to live the same way as before again.
Before he fully commits he wants to see some change (he will, hopefully, learn that a degree of compromising is also expected from him). You can't force anyone to go to C, that'd be a waste of time. You need to take things one day at a time and see what's there vs what's not.

It's like dating each other again and going back to basics. You need to be patient and not expect things to resolve in a matter of weeks. You and him need time, gladly it seems that your MC is a good one and that she will begin by learning about each of you to get a clearer picture where the miscommunication begins, because that's the core of everyone's problems: miscommunication, muted expectations, buried hurts, etc etc.

Be confident, have faith, I see a lot of hope in your case, I will keep praying and hoping that things move in a positive direction for you both, but you have to be patient and not let fear rule your mind.

[needinghope]

Hello to all. It's been a really long time since my last post but I've keeping up on several posters in my absence. Things are still a mess. I am in week two of going dark but today I fell apart. We were supposed to celebrate with friends but H backed out. I haven't seen him outside of counseling appts in a month. I let myself get really excited. When he cancelled I was a mess. Furthermore, I'm having a really hard time getting out and meeting people, so I've spent the entire weekend at home missing him. Meanwhile H is at the beach with family. Ugh! So I'm feeling pretty gross about pretty much everything right now and need to vent.

[cat03]

do NOT spend your weekends alone, do get out, meet a friend, go shoping, make an improntu trip of your own. He is still on a different timeline than you, so dont' hold your breath, this is a long ride.

Find things to make YOU happy, fill your time. I read somewhere in this board that having your H back is the icing on the cake..not the whole cake itself, YOU are the cake ;0)