I'll split the difference here, as is My Way. Patton always told his subordinate commanders that a good plan executed in a timely manner beats a great plan executed too late. If you think DB Coach's plan is good enough "for now," then execute. But bear in mind that there's nothing limiting you from carrying out only one plan at a time. There's a lot in @robx's post -- as @Puppy suggests -- that's worth considering and doing, even as you "give her space" and "let her think."
No, really, there isn't. Robx's post (which I happen to agree with, btw) can be summed up as "Sit her down."
The DB coach's advice can be summed up as "give her space."
You can confront the WAS -- bad word choice, "confront," and if I think of another one I'll edit) -- face up to the WAS but not crowd them.
DB Coach says, give her a week. Okay, what's a week? One needs time to formulate a strategy, rehearse, get the lines down -- most importantly, time to think about how to Stay Cool while doing the deed. And the confrontation -- again, bad word choice -- hang on, clicking over to the online thesaurus --
Quote:
Synonyms: accost, affront, beard, brave, call one's bluff, come up against, dare, defy, encounter, face down, face up to, face with, flout, front, go one-on-one, go up against, meet, meet eyeball-to-eyeball, oppose, repel, resist, scorn, stand up to, tell off, withstand
-- the facing up to can be framed in terms of questions and not demands, assertions, accusations. One can come to grips with the outside challenges without turning prosecutorial.
Good point. I agree, and didn't see that. Still not sure ROBX would agree, as I think he's advocating statements more than questions, but I do see your point.
I was able to confirm that the EA is over. The cyber dalliances haven't recurred since roughly January of 2008. She doesn't want a separation, but she doesn't want to work on a return to married life yet. I opt for the separation at this point. Saturday is coming fast. I need some communication and feedback. Going dim is killing me.
On the other hand, I did join a gym and a 4 season activity club that focusees on skiing and social life.
I did what we all aren't supposed to do when trying to preserve sanity, I snooped. The trails are pretty long. I had not found all of them post discovery and I may still find more if I look. I have to agree, if she refuses to work on the marriage, she's still out looking. Not tolerable.
On a positive side, there has been far less conflict in the house this week. She has been more transparent and a lot more dialogue has been initiated by her. None of it OR related. Mostly her and her needs.
I am well aware that I haven't even found the woods yet. I struggle with letting things slide for a week and taking care of myself as I have a strong urge to do exactly what robx suggests. I suppose I should wait until my 2nd DB session and 1st marriage counseling session.
On a positive side, there has been far less conflict in the house this week. She has been more transparent and a lot more dialogue has been initiated by her. None of it OR related. Mostly her and her needs.
Is "her and her needs" put just in generic, bullet-point format: Here's what my needs are? Or is the dialog cast in terms that suggest how to fulfill those needs?
You're right that it's a positive development; the difference is that the second formulation would, all else equal, give you more to work with.
I still don't have a lot to work with. Her needs constitute mainly why she feels a need to keep living on the other side of the looking glass ie, online. She's no longer hiding windows and doesn't flinch when I read over her shoulder. I don't see this as a positive. I see it as a continued problem. The only positive here is that there is dialogue at all.
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