Well, here we go. I've been married to my wife for 13 years. *I* thought they were pretty good ones. It's her 2nd marriage and my 3rd. That story is for another day.
In 1999, we both attempted to quit smoking and she had a substantial weight gain. Me being me, made a big deal out of it. Not too smart. Although that rift was smoothed over, the scars remained.
Fast forward to 2006 and her discovery of Second Life. A seemingly harmless alternate online world. She found escape there from what she says was a very insensitive husband. She's probably right.
2 weeks ago, we had the weight argument again, this time we were each other's targets. The ILYBILINWY comment came out along with several "I hate you's" and I would divorce you if it wasn't such a financial disaster. Her online gaming time skyrocketed.
I had suspected something all along but I did not know how or what to approach. I snooped on her forum talk. Devastation followed. Written proof of emotional affairs and 1 or 2 cybersex adventures. I confronted her immediately. She stated that if I made her choose, second life would win.
After consultation woth Jody (she rocks) We started an immediate version of LRT while still living with your spouse. W and I still share a bed, not closely, still talk and laugh but the partnership and security of the relationship is gone.
She has stated she will go to couples counselling as 13 years is hard to unwind especially with tangled assets. Thank heavens the children are all grown.
Me (the dummy) 50 son - 20 Her 47 son - 23 and daughter 20
No children of the marriage.
I'm not sure if I'm screaming for help, crying out loud or ready to give up.
I had suspected something all along but I did not know how or what to approach. I snooped on her forum talk. Devastation followed. Written proof of emotional affairs and 1 or 2 cybersex adventures. I confronted her immediately. She stated that if I made her choose, second life would win.
OK then, "see ya."
At that moment, you blinked, and gave her all the power.
Did you just change your username? Your story sounds remarkably similar to another poster here recently.
I had suspected something all along but I did not know how or what to approach. I snooped on her forum talk. Devastation followed. Written proof of emotional affairs and 1 or 2 cybersex adventures. I confronted her immediately. She stated that if I made her choose, second life would win.
OK then, "see ya."
At that moment, you blinked, and gave her all the power.
Did you just change your username? Your story sounds remarkably similar to another poster here recently.
Puppy
Yup I would agree with puppy on this one.
She challenged you, and let it be known, women test men continuously for their own security, they need to know if the man they're with is strong enough to protect them: subconsciously or not, it happens, you know it now and it's early in this game so don't feel like you've lost too much.
Turn it around and not because we're telling you to but because you have to if you want your wife to trust you again.
You made mention of her weight a few times, you affected her self-esteem, made her feel insecure. She got the attention from other men in her "on-line" world, it pumped up her self-esteem - women do this alot, they receive external validation from other men and it makes them feel very good & very powerful and then they start treating their husbands bad. You confronted her and she felt strong enough to turn her poor decisions and poor behavior into an advantage (and that happens alot too), that was her power, she receive validation from that place, they make her feel good about herself so she uses it almost like a weapon against you and when she challenged you, you flinched and gave her your power. I tried to explain it in a long winded manner so that you can understand what happened and how it happened. In a weird way, she made you feel like the fat woman you were treating her like - didn't feel good did it?
Now for you to turn it around.
Sit her down, I don't care how many years you've been married, when one partner is willing to let go of the relationship in this manner (cheating, EA's, PA's, etc.), you can't tolerate that ever or you will be the doormat and she will walk over you and treat you like crap. Women despise men they can control and she is controlling you now. Sit her down and tell her you can't tolerate her behaviors, she can't have cybersex and sex chat with men online, it's not harmless, you won't stand for it and her telling you that her "second life" would win is evidence that she has made the decision and you support her in that. Tell her she quits & smartens up and takes this relationship seriously: admitting her faults and you admitting yours and truly working on what you really want together or she can prepare for another divorce - and you will offer to help her move out of the house.
Yes, offer to help her move out of the house. She called your bluff before, now you are going to call hers. If she says bullcrap, tell her you will contact a lawyer and start a formal legal separation and then she can see if you're bluffing and if she still calls you bluff: do it. That's LRT, the last resort technique because if none of this will work in getting them to realize they're killing the marriage, nothing will.
No extreme acts of kindness, no ass kissing, no amount of gift buying, no begging, no pleading, no pursuing, nothing will work to get them back - the only thing that makes them realize that you are for real is when you respect yourself enough to let go of the people in your life that don't love & respect you enough to fight for the relationship & marriage.
Another kick in the pants delivered today and trust me, it was worth it. This is your wake up call, no more hitting the snooze button on your life, time to wake up and see things as they truly are.
Wow. That is the 2x4 I need. What I am doing now is getting a life. Since we are only about a week into this, the advice and instructions I got were to lay low, give space, no guilt trip creation, no begging, pursuing, no relationship talks. Get A Life.
You guys are right.
No, I did not change my username, I'm also brand new.
The cyber has been over for over a year. The EA is *supposedly* stopped. Not so sure I 100% trust that one though. How do you guys cope while waiting to start the next step? It's so easy to want to do exactly what puppy said but it's a little bit too early. GAL is great but you can't stay gone from the house 24/7. Ideas?
DB coach said do nothing except give space and take care of myself for a week. Inside I'm crawling out of my skin trying to do just that. Next session is Sat.
Oh, gotcha. You're looking for ideas on how to COPE, not ideas on what to DO.
Personally, in my experience when a WAS asks for "space," they are saying "please give me space in which to conduct my affair(s), unencumbered." But if you are comfortable with your DB coach's advice, and think you can handle it, then you should follow it.
I'll split the difference here, as is My Way. Patton always told his subordinate commanders that a good plan executed in a timely manner beats a great plan executed too late. If you think DB Coach's plan is good enough "for now," then execute. But bear in mind that there's nothing limiting you from carrying out only one plan at a time. There's a lot in @robx's post -- as @Puppy suggests -- that's worth considering and doing, even as you "give her space" and "let her think." Advance on multiple fronts.
