Hi people, haven't been on for a long time. I have been managing to claw myself out of the hole I dug for myself when I called my H and accused him of cheating, before my last post.
I have been sticking to my 180's and a lot more changes.
Two wks ago, my H and I had an argument, he reminded me he wants a D, I told him fine but I will contest it b/c we haven't tried anything to fix our M. He told me to get over it, we're done, move on like he will. He looked up D info for our state and was telling me everything we need to get done. I said I already knew that, surprised he asked me how, I told him b/c I already looked it up as well. I said you know what, fine File, I'll sign your papers, I won't contest a thing. We left it as that.
He went out for the day, that evening he told me he looked up MC, and asked if I think that will be best, I told him I know of a 7 wk M program we can try, since MC failed us before. He agreed.
So now we are in a sort of R mode. We are going to do the program, he said that even if it hasn't worked in the 7 wks, he's not just going to get up and leave. He will continue to implment what the program recommends.He wants us to do things that will bring us closer together. He said he'd like to try to start as new as possible, he wants to try to forget as much as the past hurts as he can. He also said he wants to try to work on him wanting to stay in our home, for himself, right now he's still there b/c of our 2 daughters.
Things are still the same, no affection, we do still ML, that has never stopped in this 8 month seperation. The kisses are still on the cheeks, but we will work on us.
Friday we went on a date, but there was no type of affection. Yesterday was our 13th anniversary, and he did not acknowledge it as he did our wedding anniversary in March when he bought me flowers.
Hopefully our 7 wk program works and we can build up our M again.
Tried the link but it didn't work. What's the issue that collapsed the M? What kind of support are you looking for? I have been here since Jan, we are sep, but moving together end of Sep. Working out things now.
2, I am new to your sitch but your new thread title caught my eye. I know what you mean about not being sure if you're allowed to mention programs here... but I wanted to risk recommending the book Passionate Marriage by David schnarck (sp?). I feel like DB has excellent information on how to get to reconciliation, but almost no information about what to do once you get there. This book is incredible, it is seriously the deepest most profound book about relationships I have ever read--and I have read them ALL!! If I ever get to where you are right now he is the guy I would want to get counseled by. check it out.
Congratulations on all of these changes with your H--amazing. Also, I'm not sure how your H was with anniversaries in the past, but some guys I think just aren't as into anniversaries or think that one anniversary (example: march wedding anniversary) is all anyone needs.
Quick reading of original post tells me that a MC says there are individual issues needing to be resolved before togetherness can be worked on. Does this make sense to you?
Life has an order, people having problems in relationships can mean that a) the problem exists in the R only, or B) the problem exists in the individuals preventing a positive match. That is part of DB approach to work on self as preview to work on M.
I don't think they mind sharing resources since DB is focused on staying in the R. People suggest other readings all the time and there are lists of resources I believe I came across in old postings either archived or forums.
What are your goals? For self? and for M? Don't assume anything about what he says, sounds like he doesn't know himself. If he has prior issues to resolve, his requests may change.
In my sitch, my H has a serious problem. That problem affected our R in a lot of ways. Initially, I took his feedback personally and tried to change what I could. Friends thought he was being unreasonable. When I thought it was unreasonable I stepped back and decided it was his stuff. I began to reset my boundaries and adjusted what I thought was reasonable again. Detaching at this point helped a lot to manage R issues.
As a result of clearer boundaries H saw his problem and got help. He is working on himself now and "our" R issues are more easily resolved.
Hey Kassie, 2gther, I too am in piecing and I totally agree with Kassies post.
At first I blamed myself for him leaving and had terrible guilt and my family and friends felt he was very unfair to just walk out and make it seem as though it was ME. But.. 18 monhts on, he has come full circle and can now admit that it was never me all along and that the happiness he felt with me or the R was in fact, just the underlying unhappiness in himself, that has always been there. He suffers from long term depression (although 2007-2008 was the most depressed I have known him to be) and eventually got on ADs after leaving me.
I begged him to go to MC but we never did back then, although looking back, it wouldnt have helped. He needed to do this, to leave me, to go away and realise that I, or the R, wasnt the root of his unhappiness. Luckily for me, he did learn that lesson and perhaps now MC would help if we have trouble piecing.
Sounds to me though, that perhaps he just needs more time also, its amazing how long all this takes !! My bf asked me to be his partner again and live with him in June this year.. exactly 2 years after he started to overnight withdraw from me and was phoning BMF telling him he was unhappy and thinking of leaving me.
Not sure what my point is other than, you are lucky that he is coming back around and I am watching and wishing it works out,
Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Yes, my H did admit to me that it is in fact him, I only thought it was 100% my fault the 1st month or so. He realized his unhappiness is within him, and that being in love is something you have to work at after being together for 13 yrs.
We had a long talk the day we decided to do Mort's program, when we did MC, we didn't have a good one, she caused us to seperate b/c things got worse when we began seeing her. She wanted to see us individually and focus on childhood hurts, when it wasn't the right time for that.
When we had our discussion and he decided he's willing to give us 1 last try before he files for D, and we did come to the conclusion that we have lost US. We became great parents, but lost our relationship in the process. We are now working on us, he's enthusiastic about doing Mort, which helps me to feel better b/c we both dreaded MC day.
We had date night last Friday, it was fun, but not romantic. BUT I see changes in him, me and us daily. Yesterday he was Very playful, and touchy feely with me in public! So there are huge changes happening. It's my fault for not posting for 2 months, to have a journal of the progress we have made.
He's working on him, I'm working on me, and we get together and work on us. Our 2 DD's are going to be visiting with my mother the majority of the summer, out of state, so it will be a little easier to have date nights, and work on the Mort program b/c we can give each other our undivided attention.
The Mort program has a lot of great pointers and steps to take when piecing, so it's exciting, but also nerve wracking. Sometimes things happen that years ago, when we were dating, would give me buttterflies in my stomach, but now they confuse the Heck out of me. LOL....I'm sure you guys can understand.
Be back later, going to look at other posts. Have a great day!!
Thanks for all of the help.
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
