WAS seeing reality?

[v1olin]

Oh, I will also be moving into an apartment on the 24th. I have not lived alone for 12 years and I am really not looking forward to it. This sucks.

[The Wifey]

v1olin

Don't sweat being alone. I used to be very scared, nearly terrified, to be alone. Then I realized that alone is peaceful. You can hear your own thoughts.

You can read self-improvement books and work on your personal growth. You can shut the blinds and walk around barely clothed if you so desire. Sleep late. Let the dirty dishes slide until the next day. Control the tv remote, decide if you want to watch a movie and watch what you want to.

Embrace it rather than fear it. Make the very best of it by using your time to work on you. The investment will pay dividends.

As far as Gifts for your W - give her pictures of the girls, or pictures your older daughter makes, slyly include yourself in some of the photos. Always make it look like you are trying to share your alone time details with her. She will miss the girls and this will be appreciated.

[cville22901]

v1olin:
I have just read the last few pages of your thread and not the whole thing. You sound like a great Dad. Hang onto those kiddies with everything you have, and it will reward all of you down the road. I have a terrific relationship with my children from my first marriage. They are what keep me sane. Keep loving them. There is no such thing as too many hugs.

I have a very similar timeline in my second divorce and current situation as you. It sounds like you are doing a lot better at the divroce busting thing than I am. Good for you.

I've been living on my own for about four months now after 12 years of marriage. It takes osme getting used to, but, as Wifey syas, it does have its rewards.

[v1olin]

Wifey, I have been living at my sister's house for the last 4 months I feel like I have already been embracing living alone. I do stay up late and wake up late. I do what I want and then I look forward to seeing my kids. Getting an apartment just seems like one more nail in the ol' coffin. The only thing that keeps me from going crazy at this point is my kids. I am excited about possibly meeting new people or having a neighbor that happens to be friendly and female Dont get me wrong, I love my wife with a true unconditional love,but having female friends would really help my PMA. Thank you for the gift ideas too Wifey. But what do you mean about sharing details about my alone time with her? I thought going semi-dark was the way to go? I am losing track of my DB success/failures so I need some guidance there.


cville, Thank you for the kind words! My girls are my strength and I love them with all my heart. I have told my wife a few time already that I would do what I have to do legally to protect myself as a father and my kids. I will NOT be a weekend Dad. I am hoping that this will be the light that brings my wife back to our family.

[v1olin]

Forgot to mention that my wife did offer for me to eat dinner at home last night,but I cooked the dinner for the kids before she got home. When she got home I was cleaning up the mess I had made while cooking and she asked if I had eaten. I said no. She asked why? I said I did not want to eat up all of the left overs. While I was finishing up the dishes she offered one more time for me to eat some of the dinner I made, I declined politely.

My youngest daughter wanted to go outside so my wife went upstairs to change into some walking clothes. My oldest daughter came downstairs and asked if I wanted to go on the walk with them! So I thought it was ok with my wife...turns out my dughter had not asked my wife first. She said ok but once we started the walk I could tell my wife was not happy about it. I decided to go back to the house and cut the grass.
Now, should I have stayed and forced her to be a family with me or was it the right thing for me to go back home? I felt I was taking her time alone with the girls away from her. Should I even be cutting the grass? What if her love language is acts of service? Thanks!

[v1olin]

And this is where we are legally:

My lawyer has sent my list of demands- joint physical/legal custody, 50% of marital assets,etc.

Waiting for a reply back from my wifes lawyer. Not looking forward to our first court date which has not been set yet.

[v1olin]

Coach, Greek, Sandi2, wifey? Anyone see anything I should change/try? thanks!

[The Wifey]

Okay, lets take these one at a time:

Wifey, I have been living at my sister's house for the last 4 months I feel like I have already been embracing living alone.

You are not yet alone if you have your sister around.

I do stay up late and wake up late. I do what I want and then I look forward to seeing my kids.

What are your GAL activities other than looking forward to seeing your kids? Looking at the four walls doesn't count.

Getting an apartment just seems like one more nail in the ol' coffin.

No it isn't. The more independent you are the more you will grow. Your W will see you as less of a threat when you are in an apartment. I know that sounds odd, but its true. And what is the rush for the apartment? Does your sister want you out or are you tired of being with your sister?

The only thing that keeps me from going crazy at this point is my kids.

Then you are not ready to get your wife back. You have to detach, grow, become confident in yourself before you have a hope of any change in your relationship.

Even when it hurts so much, you have to be able to be her friend before you can be more. I know its not all you want and not what you want to work for. It seems like "is that all?" when you are going through it. I know. Been there and done that.

The basis of any good relationship is friendship. You have to be the best darned friend in the world before you can hope to be anything more.

I am excited about possibly meeting new people or having a neighbor that happens to be friendly and female grin Dont get me wrong, I love my wife with a true unconditional love,but having female friends would really help my PMA.

Always good to have friends. And it does feel good to have someone of the opposite sex find you interesting. But keep it clear you are only friends or don't go there at all. If you are truly wanting only your wife then act that way.

Thank you for the gift ideas too Wifey. But what do you mean about sharing details about my alone time with her? I thought going semi-dark was the way to go? I am losing track of my DB success/failures so I need some guidance there.

Did you notice the "slyly" I had in my original post. She will be curious about you. As you change and grow she will wonder what is going on with you. That is why you will see people advising each other to be mysterious.

Photos with the kids with glimpses of you happy, doing activities, having fun, at parks, at different locations are a sly way to give her just a glimpse in a sly way without pursuing.

I can't tell you how many times H asks about things in photos. Its a non-threatening way to get a non-relationship conversation going. When was the last time you had that kind of conversation that didn't involve the kids?

Forgot to mention that my wife did offer for me to eat dinner at home last night,but I cooked the dinner for the kids before she got home. When she got home I was cleaning up the mess I had made while cooking and she asked if I had eaten. I said no. She asked why? I said I did not want to eat up all of the left overs. While I was finishing up the dishes she offered one more time for me to eat some of the dinner I made, I declined politely.

Why did you decline? She asked more than once. Would not have hurt at all. Act normal, calm, controlled, just listening and enjoying your family's company.

My youngest daughter wanted to go outside so my wife went upstairs to change into some walking clothes. My oldest daughter came downstairs and asked if I wanted to go on the walk with them! So I thought it was ok with my wife...turns out my dughter had not asked my wife first. She said ok but once we started the walk I could tell my wife was not happy about it.

Ummmm, so? She wasn't happy. Hmmm, is this something new? Late-breaking news you weren't privy to? Oh, that's right she already dropped that bomb. Your daughter asked you so you go along and talk with your D. W can sulk if she wants. But she can also see you being a great Dad to your D. Cognitive dissonance. Look it up.

I decided to go back to the house and cut the grass.

Well, at least you did make yourself useful.

Now, should I have stayed and forced her to be a family with me or was it the right thing for me to go back home? I felt I was taking her time alone with the girls away from her.

Consider that maybe you were over-thinking this one. How in the heck was happening to walk with them forcing her to be a family? And you went because your D asked. And if she didn't want you to go she should have spoken up. She didn't. Big girls know to say what they do or do not want.

Should I even be cutting the grass? What if her love language is acts of service? Thanks!

How about you mow the lawn because it is the right thing to do and one less thing for her to have to worry about. Even if she doesn't thank you, which I would bet she will eventually, she is watching you and this is nothing but goodness and giving.

Have you read The Five Love Languages?
If you have re-read it and try to figure out what her love language(s) is. Whatever it is, you need to know.

I hope that book didn't bore you, but I tried to be as clear on each of your points as possible.

[v1olin]

Wifey, I wanted to answer your questions in an orderly fashion but could not figure out the quote function, so here goes.

Yes, my sister is around but I dont see her much. I do look forward to living in my own place again.

Gal activities:going to the gym,working a new job(I was working at home before), hanging out with old friends, golf drivimg range(never played golf before),volunteer for Habitat for Humanity. Reading books for fun and self help.


The only rush for the apartment was to show that I could have a place for my kids to stay when joint custody happens. My sisters house is way too far away from my daughters school and daycare.


My kids are very important in keeping me focused on being a better person but they are not the only thing I have going on I feel like I have come a long way in detachment but is it possible to detach too much? I want to be my wifes friend but I dont want to stand by as she puts herself on match.com!


Dont worry about me, even when we went almost 1.5 years without ML I still had ZERO urges to cheat on my wife. If I make any female friends they will soon be tired of hearing about my wife!


I like the photo idea. Her birthday is coming on the 6th. Maybe a card with a picture in it? Not sure on the birthday idea.


I realize now that I should have eaten when she offered the second time.



Yep, I missed the boat on the walk, should have stayed. I will look up cognitive dissonance.



I have been cutting the grass every week now since the bomb. Has not seemed to change anything in her. Every time I think maybe I am being too much of a nice guy and should stop. I have also painted the kitchen, mopped the floors, done the laundry, vacumed, clean up kids toys, pulled weeds,etc. Way too much? She still is full steam ahead on the divorce train. But even after D I will still want to do these things for my beloved wife. She does thank me when I cut the grass.


I have read about half(pg. 98)of 5 love languages.

Your "book" did not bore me It has helped me. Thank you

[v1olin]

Today was my wifes weekend with the girls but she told me last week that I could take D7 to enter her painting in the state fair. When D7 and I came back from fair my wife was going to take the kids to get lunch. I noticed my car was smoking from under the hood so I checked it out. I had an appointment for thursday but that is too long to wait with a smoking car. I came inside to look up repair shops and my wife offered to bring a sandwich back for me. I did take her up on her offer this time. I got ahold of a shop before she left so I just went ahead to the shop instead of getting the sandwich from wife. When I left she asked if she should follow me just in case. It is nice that she showed concern but I want to show my strength too. I dont NEED her to take care of me, I WANT her back in my life.