H is going out to to dinner with friend that's in town tonight. H said they were going to a bar after, then laughed (i.e. H has a history of problem drinking behavior x14 years, sober for 4.5 years). I told H to be careful and to call someone if he needs a ride. H responded he'd call me, I said Okay, if I'm around. I then told him to have fun. H's response to that was something like "Right, Ashlee. Why don't you just give it up?" H then appeared upset, got ready to go and S, who just walks in, asks why H is upset. H says he's not and leaves without another word. I am a bit confused. I was perfectly pleasant and I thought supportive. Is H upset with me cause I'm nice or mad at himself or what? Did I handle this stich incorrectly?
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
IMHO not at all. I read this as he was trying to get a rise out of you and you didn't play his game. He specifically told you he was going to a bar and instead of telling not to go, or anything negative, you told him to have fun. The right, why don't you give it up is him telling himself that you are not saying what you really feel.
It looks to me like he was trying to bait you into a fight or to hear you beg him not to go.
I don't know your sitch, but it sounds like gas-lighting to me.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
S&S - Thanks for the response...I was thinking along those lines but failed to realize he was trying to bait me.
Originally Posted By: Sugar and Spice
I don't know your sitch, but it sounds like gas-lighting to me.
H is having IA (in denial...'just friends') and wants separation. I think in MLC...started working out, bought a Mustang. Says not "in love", we tried to work it out too many times, neither of us are happy, we both deserve more...you get the drift.
My question to you...what do you mean by gas-lighting?
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
I would say welcome but no one wants to be here :o) In response to your question - "What is gas-lighting"?
A form of intimidation or psychological abuse, sometimes called Ambient Abuse where false information is presented to the victim, making them doubt their own memory, perception and quite often, their sanity. The classic example of gaslighting is to switch something around on someone that you know they're sure to notice, but then deny knowing anything about it, and to explain that they "must be imagining things" when they challenge these changes.
A more psychological definition of gaslighting is "an increasing frequency of systematically withholding factual information from, and/or providing false information to, the victim - having the gradual effect of making them anxious, confused, and less able to trust their own memory and perception.
My hubby was very good at this until someone pointed it out to me and I looked it up...I seriously thought I was losing my mind at times.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Thank you, thank you, thank you. You've just opened my eyes. This just blows me away. Part of our hx includes H being emotionally abusive - H was especially controlling in the beginning. It wasn't until after I sought IC did I gain back some self respect and independence. H used to say I was "crazy". I thought we had gotten past all that. Perhaps this is H's way of trying to push me away. I had told H in the past that if he starts drinking again, it is over. I said I would never live through that again. This is his way of testing me, isn't it? Or his way of trying to get rid of me for good.
Holy crap, it just gets better and better!
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
H got home late, after I was asleep. All I remember is him asking to ML (but using different terminology). I was too darn tired, can't remember how I responded but know it didn't happen. Guess he was mad cause there was no good-bye this morning and I haven't heard a peep out of him today. It feels like a bunch of 2 steps forward, 3 steps back.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
Thank you...I thought I made the right choice. Now I just have to deal with him acting like a 5-year-old as a result...but that's par for the course, huh?
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
