BigJohn, I replied to you over at PortlandDad. Where are you? Do you have your own thread?
Gardener,
Yeah my current thread is over at WAS which is where I mostly hang out.
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
I have a daughter who is seven years old. We get along fine but she is a mommy's girl. I intend to be there for her in the near future but I need to take one step at a time. What adequate info do I need to give for help? I am confused. Can someone outline the info I need to give for anyone to help?
First off, this is a terrible thing to say "but she is a mommy's girl." . So what, she is still your child. That's no excuse for not seeing her!!!!!!!!! As a matter of fact, IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE HER INTO A DADDY'S GIRL!!!! And WHO THE HECK GETS TO JUST WALK AWAY FROM THEIR CHILD? I don't care if I was on life support, I would want to be with my children! I am sorry, but that is just WRONG! Even if its for short visits to the park.
Secondly, this process HAS TO BE ABOUT YOU NOT YOUR W!!! So stop trying to figure out what she is doing, AND FOCUS ON IMPROVING YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thirdly, I have just gotten all the questions people here have asked you that you HAVE NOT ANSWERED. I would strongly suggest, if you want ANY HELP, you answer EACH ONE INDEPTH ( I would say each one could fill a page or 2) !
1) What did you get out of the DB books? 2) What have you always wondered about but not investigated as an activity? Theater? Auditions? Photography? Classes? Current Event clubs? Scuba? Work on getting a Degree of somekind? Gardening? Parenting? 3) What have you done to contribute to the dimise of your M, SPECIFICALLY? 4) to quote you - "My marriage was not the greatest because we never really emotionally connected." - WHY? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO CONTRIBUTE TO THIS!! There must have been a connection at one point did it just fade away? 5) What are you doing to improve yourself OUTSIDE OF MEDS AND WALKS? 6) What did you do in the beginning to make her fall in love with you? 7) Why did she think you were selfish what did you do? DETAILED, SPECIFIC EXAMPLES! 8) Are you being the best dad you can? If not, you are LOSING THE ONLY CONNECTION YOU HAVE TO YOUR W!!! 9) How did YOUR relationship begin? DETAILED AND SPECIFIC 10) What were the early days of your marriage like? DETAILED AND SPECIFIC 11) How did having children affect your relationship? DETAILED AND SPECIFIC 12) How did it deteriorate into its current state? DETAILED AND SPECIFIC 13) What self-help books have you read? 14) What do YOU want? 15) Have you gotten therapy or are you now? If so, WHAT ARE YOU LEARNING IN THERE? 16) How long has she been complaining about your behaviors? Why didn't you do anything about it before? Is it b/c you (this is not an insulting question but an honest one) did not think you really needed to change but now realize that even if you are "right" you are losing her? So now you want to be happy, rather than right? 17) How can you say you are giving her space while ALSO asking her about EAs? 18) do you want this marriage or not? 19) Have you watched the movie "Fireproof" ? 20) What changes does she want you to make? 21) What are the 180's you are doing? How are you GAL? (getting a life, what NEW things are you doing to help you direct your life? 22) Are you upbeat when you talk? 23) What did you get out of the DB books? 24) You have to see each other some time if you have a daughter, correct? YOU SHOULD BE HAVING CONTACT WITH YOUR CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 25) What all does your W want from you? 26) Do you have a gym membership or somewhere you can go to work out?
And i echo what he said re: your d. What a cop out, to say "she's mommy's girl"...oh, okay. Go away now BUT by all means, "be there for her in the future"...wth does that mean?
She needs you now and will every day. Not when you feel comfortable. She now thinks she has lost you too and you are confirming that. You are making YOUR PAIN more important than comforting and reassuring her that you ARE in her life NOW and always will be. Your job now is to reassure your d of your love and unwavering presence in HER LIFE...stop whining and man up to being a good father.Worry about your W a lot less and your d a lot more. Now. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Wow. Do we really need to ask why his wife walked away? It's quite obvious he can't even answer simple questions much less communicate in a meaningful way.
PS as a former LBSer now reconciled, I have to ask you to LOOK AT MY SIGNATURE BLOCK to see a real life, grown up timeline. Stop whining about "giving up" after A MONTH...good grief.
READ my signature block, where it tells you HOW long MY sitch lasted...we're talking 2 years mostly apart before piecing & reconciling and I still don't claim to be a DIV BUSTED just yet. I'm waiting another 6 months. If all continues to go well, then I'll get out the champagne.
Do you understand how almost laughable AND yet frustrating it is for me to read your posts? No, I don't think you can. You read but don't see so it's as if you are faking as if you are listening but you don't in fact "hear" what someone is saying. Have you always been this way? You STILL HAVE NOT Answered our questions. We have minimal info from you. What questions? The ones we posted earlier. I will not repeat them. Re-read them if you can't recall them. I'm worn out trying to GET info FROM you, let alone trying to give you any advice.
Oh well. I tried.
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Sad Wifey may have a point. Maybe he has poor communication skills. I mean.....he does....but maybe he's trying and just doesn't know how to respond. Perhaps he is overwhelmed by all of our questions. I'd hate to be here on this board and not know how to put things into words. Must be very frightening to some people when we all hit them (as we've been known to do).
Anyway PC, whatever you can tell us would help us to know your story better.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
