I need some input

[sportsfan]

Hi everyone. I posted a few times last July when my H and I were newly separated. Long story short: He had an affair three years ago and we were separated for six months. When I found out, he moved back in and she moved away. After it took me almost two years to work through the pain and agony, he left me again. He couldn't take the guilt and shame. Said he hated the pain he caused me. Needed to decide if we should divorce or not.

Slowly he started coming around and we started going out, having fun and spending a few nights together, although with no physical contact. Still have none. We even went on a pre-planned vacation together last fall and had a fabulous time. Less than two weeks ago he gave me the most beautiful card for our anniversary. I'm the love of his life, his all, his everything, etc. Things were going so well that I suspected he wanted to ask to move back in. I think we are both afraid to get intimate physically.

Fast forward to this weekend. Chatted with him Sunday night (after he had spent the night with me the night before) and he said he was home. Something in his voice didn't seem right and I got a bad feeling. I was in his area so decided to drive by and his car wasn't there. I lost it. Sent him a text asking where he really was and why he was lying to me again. Didn't hear from him until the next morning when he called. Asked why I was checking up on him. He was at his friend's house. He said he didn't know why he lied about it. I think old habit perhaps. The discussion escalated.

Basically he told me he loves me, loves everything about me, loves being with and having fun with me, but doesn't want to be married. Point blank said I don't want to be married. He definitely doesn't want to move back in and maybe we should divorce because I deserve better and he is tired of hurting me. I asked then why give me the card, send me flirty texts, etc. He meant all those things he said, but now thinks his heart isn't in it. I really feel he likes being alone and not having to account for himself and his whereabouts. All he really does is work. I know there is no one else. He says he doesn't want to be single or date others. We were supposed to go somewhere last night. He said maybe we should skip it and he could come over to watch tv instead. I said okay. I texted him later that if he feels he would be happier with me completely out of his life, then I would go. No response. He responds to my text about an appointment with a specialist (he asked me to let him know what happened). In my text I tell him thanks for the offer to come over, but I feel the need to be alone. I have a lot to think about. He texts that he understands and to call him if I need anything. Then last night he sends me light-hearted texts as if nothing happened yesterday morning. I kept it very short. He is coming over to help me with the yard on Thursday.

What does this sound like to all of you who have been there? Did he just get a little spooked when I checked up on him and it was just a temporary backslide? As I sit here, his words "I don't want to be married" bring tears to my eyes. We have come so far in the last 11 months and I hate to lose the last 20 years. I'm thinking I will just pull back and not be so available again. Maybe then he will see what his life will be like without me. I have a life and lots to do, but I want my husband back. We missed each other before and told each other as much. He was seeing his counselor, who advised him to take baby steps. Hasn't seen the counselor in a long time because we were doing so well. What else can I do? Is there hope? Thank you all for your responses.

[MrBond]

I don't have any real insight, other than to say that you're not alone.

My W and I S last year when I found out she was fooling around with her boss. She moved back in Dec. to help with our D who has a health problem and has been home since. We get along great when the kids are along and if you were to look at us, you'd think everything was fine.

However every time I bring up the R, she tells me the same line "I just don't want to be M any more." I ask her why and she just tells me the same thing which is frustrating as hell. I think there's always hope, but there's only so much that we can do. There comes a time when the spouse has to put a little effort in or positive actions. I told my W that if she is that unhappy with the M and if she really believes that the M and I are the reasons why she is so unhappy, then she should leave.

She hasn't moved or done anything towards seeking a D, so it confuses the heck out of me.

Just understand that you're not alone. And if you want to continue to have faith that the M will work out, that faith is in you.

[sportsfan]

It is very frustrating. He has been making such a great effort especially over the last several months and I have told him so. He is very unhappy with his job situation and has been for years and I think that is a huge part of the problem. Since the job market is tight, he can't find anything new. Having to work two jobs puts a lot of pressure on him. I get that, but my life isn't a cakewalk.

It is nice to know there are others dealing with this, although the fact that there are others stinks.