I started a thread in Newcomers about my marital issues but, after finding the evidence yesterday, I'm sad to say I need to come join you all in Infidelity. Here's my original thread:
In short, M 8.5 years, Me 45, W 41, D25 and on her own. usual story; happy for several years, less sex, poor communication, drifting slowly apart over the last 3-4 years. Wife dropped the bomb May 6 09, caught off guard, motivated by an EA (she says). Got DR, started the process, got diagnosed for depression (on Lexapro now - miracle!), started MC, doing all the work, busting my ass the last 5 weeks. I'm am much better personally (GAL, 180, meds, counseling helping alot, etc) but we were getting no closer. I had always questioned the status of her "EA" (she assured me it was over) and, prompted by Puppy, I install tools to watch our computers and uncovered infidelity. She used travel points to rent a hotel room a block from our house Thursday and was there for 2 hours. I discovered that she lied about who the EA was with and uncovered the real EA/PA, including ~60 emails with pics of he and his kids, his tattoo, him in swim trunks, invitations to join him during his business travels, plans to get together next week, etc, etc.
With this info I was able to contact a person who knows the truth and she shared with me more details about joint business travels, shared hotels, sexually explicit phone calls (all recorded and available to me during a divorce proceeding) and confirmed the nature of the affair (admitting that she does not have absolute proof but the context of the calls is clear there was a PA and plenty of sex talk).
Confronted her with the truth and she lied, denied, and finally told some version of the truth. But she has been lying to me every day for 5 weeks, hell for at least 4 months, and I have no faith in anything she says now. She's staying with D this weekend and I'm re-reading DR and thinking about my next step. There's a big part of me that just wants to move on, and I don't believe she either wants to end the A or work things out with me at this point. I still love her but I can't imagine ever believing anything she says again and I can't even think about ML again; all I can think about is who was there before me.
So, here I am - confused, hurt, angry about the constant lies, but also surprisingly at peace with this (I think because I already went through this 5 weeks ago with the fake OM). Just got off the treadmill, gonna grab some bfast and will check back in later. I would appreciate any and all help.....Mike
How is it that someone else has recordings of sexually explicit phone calls of theirs???
Puppy
She worked for a quasi-governmental agency that is required by law to record the conversations of every phone line for the center she worked at. They use the recording during legal and damage assessment investigations and everyone there knows the calls are always recorded, every line. Her boss was investigating on of these legal matters when she came across inappropriate conversations with a Board member and when she investigated further she found sufficient evidence to proceed with termination for fraternization (a stated HR violation).
I talked with the boss yesterday off the record and she was able to confirm my suspicions and stated that, if ordered as part of a legal proceeding, she would willingly produce all recordings as evidence. She finds the behavior unprofessional and distasteful and is sympathetic to me at this time.
I'm sorry for your situation but that is pretty damn awesome you have all that should you choose to end your M. I know it has burned me out to deal with my W, especially considering her other issues which make the denial much more dangerous.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
I'm sorry for your situation but that is pretty damn awesome you have all that should you choose to end your M. I know it has burned me out to deal with my W, especially considering her other issues which make the denial much more dangerous.
I'm sorry to hear that, I know just how much this sucks now and feel for you. I owe Puppy a great deal of thanks for getting me to look behind her lies and actually verify what she was saying; I didn't believe she was still involved with the OM and I was SOOOO wrong. Puppy's advice got me motivated and I have what I have because of his good counsel. Trust, but verify - this just might be my first tattoo! Good advice for us all......Mike
Good advice for us all......Mike