I guess I'm new, though I was here about 7 yrs ago with my last marriage. I just posted in the I'm Thinking About Leaving forum and feeling like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Last time I was here, I was the one left behind and it hurt like hell. This time, I feel like the WAW and it still hurts like hell.
Copying from other thread (guess I need to combine them and keep to one)....
I'm not exactly new to DB. I tried it many years ago when my 1st marriage broke up (lots of issues + OW who he eventually married). It didn't save my marriage but it helped save me. I became a better person and partner thanks to DB and Michele and those people who supported me (JJ, I can't believe you're still here!). That was many years and several relationships ago.
Now here I am, a newleywed, in my mid-30's. I've been married for 6 months after dating a yr and a half. He's a good guy but we're under so much stress and he doesn't handle it well at all. And I'm lonely as hell.
He was in the mortgage industry... was. He was out of work for a yr and a half. I lost my job last summer. We married last fall, both jobless but optimistic. We weren't completely broke. He got a new job in January. We moved in March. Both of us dealing with audits (he with his ex, me with work). Also, he has 2 teenagers we have 50% of the time - good boys. And I run a foundation full-time in memory of my son. So it's been very stressful. He stresses about money, I stress about life. I was out of work, he was barely making enough to cover the bills. So his way of unconsciously punishing me was to give me all the responsibility for moving 2 households (mine from storage, his huge house into 1 house). All the unpacking. All the moving plans. Plus, a huge audit all within 3 wks. I did it, stressed as hell but I did it. He was zero support with the audit and wanted to know why I was stressing him out with my audit. Huge 2 day fight before right before the audit. Our first fight, ever. Since then we have them whenever I'm not employed. I had a temp job for 5 weeks, we were fine then. I'm unemployed again and now we're fighting again. All my stresses, he complains about. All his stresses, I try to be supportive. But money and being out of work... he feels twice the pressure and he resents me badly. He's not abusive at all - just not there for me and can't see past his own stress. This leaves me dealing with my stresses, his stresses and being 100% alone.
This week I found out I only have a 5% chance of having more kids. All I ever wanted to be is a mom. My son, my only child, died 10 yrs ago. It almost killed me. Now to find out I'll never be a mom again... it's breaking my heart. He doesn't understand, I don't expect him to. He has 2 boys - who have a mom, and they are teenagers - so there's not much chance of me being able to mother them. I love them, they love me but I'll never be mom to them. And I'm trying to accept all this but it's hard as hell. I found this out a few days after I lost my job. And I'm dealing with a court case with my family (trying to help my mom with a lot). It's been a hell of a week and we've fought 2 of the last 4 days and it's killing me.
I try talking to him but he only says things like "you get yourself into all this stuff with the court case and losing your job. It's more pressure on me". I repeat, he's not abusive, he is a good guy... he's just CLUELESS. He gets stressed, upset and he cannot see past his own nose. He's an amazing dad, a hard worker, a good provider but he's not always supportive when I need him to be.
So I've been crying for days. Trying to find a job. Trying to deal with charity deadlines. Trying to help my mom. Trying to accept all this stuff. We fought the other day and made up 2 days ago. Then last night he got mad at me for putting an anonymous note in the neighbor's mailbox that they need to shut their blinds... because he's afraid they will find out it's us that left the note. The blinds were open to a teenage girl's room - we have 2 teenage boys who figured that out. The right thing to do was tell her and I stand by that. He doesn't see that. He thinks we should've done nothing. This is honestly the only time I've ever seen his parenting skills completely off base and come on... if we had teenage girls and the boy across the street could see into their room, he'd be upset. I think he's being a jerk about it and cares more about what the neighbor's might think than fighting with me or protecting our boys and that girl. So we fought last night and he stomped off and went to bed. Today, more fighting. I try and try and try to talk to him and try to get him to see that I need support too but I'm hitting a brick wall. He is supportive... he is... he's donated a lot to the charity, goes to the cemetery with me, supported me all the months I was out of work. But when it all adds up at once... he becomes just another stresser instead of my best friend and I can't take all this crying all the time.
I'm ready to just walk away. I am so damn lonely. I feel like he only wants me because I'm always supportive of him. When the chips are down for him, I'm right there, his biggest cheerleader. When I'm at my lowest... he's telling me what I did wrong and how it's stressing him out. I'm at the point of not wanting to tell him anything because it will just make it all worse. But that's not fair and I'm starting to resent all the times I tell him things will be ok or try to take away some of his stress. I love him, I really do... more than I've ever loved any man... when we're not stressed, things are wonderful. We laugh all the time, sex is amazing, we're great. But when stress adds up, he freaks out and I'm left crying.
And to add to it all, I had a biopsy last week. and am waiting for the results. Yeah, when it rains, it pours... and he told me today my life is so "negative" and he's tired of it all the time. Uhhhh, hellooooo... so am I!!!! So what if it is cancer? He won't be able to handle it. My family lost my sister to cancer and I can't put them through it again. I feel like just packing up and taking off to Kansas or Wyoming or somewhere in the middle of nowhere and being by myself where I might be lonely but at least some of this pressure will be off of me.
We're newleyweds, this is supposed to be the happiest time. But it's not. I have no one to talk to about most of this and I cry all the time. Maybe he loves me but I don't feel loved. And I keep thinking "Somewhere out there has to be a guy who will love me for me and not how I support him". Because all I really want is my husband to care, to love me, to put his arms around me and help me deal with all this stuff together and tell me it will be ok. Because I have no hope now. I lost my dream of motherhood, my husband doesn't seem to even like me right now, I have no job, no money of my own, over my head in charity work and I'm depressed. I feel like a complete failure at life and that's what I see when he looks at me. And it's killing me and I just want to run from it.
Get a grip. You are giving too much of yourself and it needs to stop. It is hurting you and your M.
Turn over the charity responsibilities to someone else for awhile. Let your Mom find other sources of support for her court case, you simply do not have the emotional resources to spare.
Worse, your H doesn't have many emotional resources to spare right now himself. Remember that being a breadwinner is in general much more of a stress on a man than a woman in this country. (Not saying it should be, it simply just is that way.)
So, what can you do?
(1) You are lonely. You need support. Ask for it, from friends, from family, from support groups. Cut some of your optional overhead and make time to take care of yourself, and spend time with others.
(2) Regarding the biopsy, when do you get results? Try to be positive and decide what to do once you have a clear answer. You are already planning gloom and doom three steps away based on bad news. Chances are good that the biopsy will turn out fine, and if not, most cancers are highly treatable these days.
(3) Regarding motherhood, see a specialist. IVF can greatly improve your chances and at your age there are affordable IFV options. If IVF won't help, there are always gestational surrogates who can carry your biological baby and adoption to consider. There are international egg donor options that are affordable. In any case, there is no reason that your chances of being a mother aren't quite high if you open yourself up to alternative paths to motherhood. So, it is plain B.S. that your chances are 5%.
(4) Why not run away somewhere for a few days? Go camping, go see a friend. Go place somewhere where you can nurture yourself. You want H to pick up all the pieces for you, but he is as emotionally exhausted as you are, it sounds like.
(5) See a doctor and consider short term antidepressants. It sounds like you have some acute situational depression -- with everything else going on, you don't need your brain chemistry dragging you down. Nothing wrong with getting some quick medical support.
(6) Choose your battles -- it sounds like you are both trying to punish each other with these various fights. Next time, try this: "I hear you are angry, but I don't have the emotional resources to work through this right now. Let's pick it up again in a couple of days and see where we are."
Make you your priority. If H can't support you right now, be understanding give him the benefit of the doubt. But quit draining yourself too much with your other activities and your support of him. You being so overloaded and drained isn't good for anyone.
2. I should get the results next week. I guess I plan doom and gloom because that's what seems to keep happening to me. That's not being negative, it's a fact. I know from the hard way, that being positive about medical stuff does not always create miracle or spare us from tragedy. But I do need to stop worrying until I get some results and maybe luck will be on my side.
3. I am open to IVF and anything else - but all that costs $$$$ that we don't have. I dealt with infertility issues in my last marriage... not naive about all this stuff. I would go to hell and back to be a mom... H is already a dad, worried about college tuition. He can't handle the stress we already have, I can't see him handling infertility. But it's not about trying other options or IVF... I just found out I'll never have the "normal" dream of being pregnant the old fashioned way, having a baby, etc. And yes, I get not everything is "normal" - I had a disabled son for 6 yrs, I understand the beauty of the abnormal. But it's still the death of a dream.
4. I have deadlines to meet by Monday, otherwise getting away for a few days would be great. But I'm afraid H would get upset that I'm not here, looking for a job or helping around the house.
I don't want him to pick up the pieces. I want him to a partner. I want us to be best friends again. I want the man I fell in love with. I understand things happen, people get stressed. Hell, I'm stressed but I'm not dumping more stress on him or not there for him when he needs me. H is the only one in the house with a job, true. I get that's stressful but is he working harder? No. Right now he's skipping work to be on the golf course. He does this about once a week... I don't say a word. He has weekends off. He works from home and takes naps during the day sometimes. He earns the money, so I don't criticize. If he doesn't want to be supportive when I'm stressed (a hug, a few kind words.... all I want)... then at least don't stress me out more. That's not too much to ask. I'm not asking for Prince Charming to fix everything. Just be a partner. If not 50%-50% with support, at least 30%-70%.
5. Had a full work up - labeled it stress.
6. I have tried that. I have tried apologizing for asking too much of him when I even just want 1 hug. I have tried not asking anything. If he'd even just leave me alone when things are really stressful, it would be easier... but freaking out and yelling and making it worse just well, makes it worse. I feel like he's kicking me when I'm down and I can't handle that and resent him for doing that and not being supportive.
I do want to run. I can't fix this alone. I can't make him want to not freak out when there's stress. I mean really, if I'm being 100% kind and supportive of him and doing all I can and he's still not getting it... what is there left to try? Except be a complete jerk to him when he's at his lowest and hope he finally gets the picture? I can't do that.
Bottom line is, you can't make someone care and you can't make someone be supportive. And being here is hurting more now than it's helping. I can't give him a free pass to not care or be supportive. I don't want to be in a marriage like that.
(1) What overhead are you cutting? What real life people do you have to lean on right now?
(2) You seem to think you are being realistic regarding the biopsy. You aren't. Odds are that the results will be fine. And, if the results are not fine odds are greatly in favor of you being alive 20 years from now for almost all forms of cancer.
(3) If you need money for IVF, what is your plan? Can you or H find a job with insurance that covers it? Can you cut your other responsibilities so that you have time for a job?
(4) Fine, take a break for a few days after you meet your Monday deadlines.
"But I'm afraid H would get upset that I'm not here, looking for a job or helping around the house."
So. What if he does get upset? You are considering divorce and you are worried about doing something to take care of yourself??? This is irrational. You need a break for emotional health. FWIW, this will also help with your job search, not hinder it. IF you continue to make choices based on what it takes to try to manage H's anger and frustration, you will sabotage both your emotional health and your M. IT is YOU who controls your life, not H. Don't blame YOUR choices on him.
You resent your H greatly for his choices. But, what is in your control are your choices. If you don't have the emotional resources to support him right now, don't. You don't have to be mean in any way. Just take care of yourself first right now.
The two of you have both been going through so much that you really have no idea how you will be when things level out. Maybe H just reached the point where his emotional resources were too low to offer you support to you before you reached the same point with respect to him. It doesn't make either of you evil, just finite.
(5) Who cares if it is labeled "stress." Anti-depressants might still help. Have you told your health-care provider that you seriously feel like you are going to have a mental breakdown? Have you consulted a mental health professional?
(6) I didn't suggest that you apologize. I didn't suggest that you devalue yourself or your needs. I asked you to take charge of avoiding the stress of the fights. You can't control him, but you can walk away: "I can't handle this right now, maybe we can talk in a few days. I'm going to take some space now."
You are doing TOO much, it is hurting you and your M. So quit giving 100% and keep some for yourself, you need it.
Finally, just put any decision about a D or sep on hold. Consider it again in 6 months. Right now, your focus just needs to be on calming your life down, getting some stability, finding some peace and support. Rushing into a decision about your M is premature and unnecessary additional stress.
Look at your life -- right now all the stresses have very little to do with H. Instead, they have to do with outside demands that you have chosen to satisfy, and with two significant health issues. Getting rid of H isn't going to help with any of those things.
Try being more direct, more honest. Never do anything that you resent (and I think you've been resenting plenty lately.)
You love your H more than any other man...Why would you want to leave someone you love so much? You can try to escape your problems and leave your marriage before it starts. You will find that your problems will continue to follow you because they are with you.
You have been burden down with stress, working hard and problems you can't deal with in your own strength. Your H can't lift your pain and burden off of you. Be patient with him my friend. He is going through E issue like you.
Jesus said in Mt.11:28 Come unto me, all you that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
"Suffering is painful but makes you a stronger person".
I don't resent H for his choices. I resent him for not being supportive. For having to deal with everything not only alone, but with the added stress of him screaming at me about it. For making our home a place I don't want to be rather than helping me make it a safe haven. Honestly, I could deal with everything else if he was on my side, if I knew I could count on him and trust he'd be supportive and not yell. I resent him for kicking me when I'm down and expecting me to lift him up when he's down.
I've told him all this, a couple of times now. I'm not girly, I don't play coy or get passive aggressive - I've point blank told him all this. He couldn't hear me past his own yelling.
Me - "I need you to stop yelling at me and be supportive because I'm really starting to resent feeling alone instead of as a team."
Him - "Why aren't you looking for a job? You aren't looking hard enough? You are stressing me out. You've been out of work for week, you should have a job by now. Why are you dealing with court cases or with your family? I don't care what's going with your mom or if you want to help her. Why is that my problems? Why are you stressing me out with your issues? Why can't you just be positive and make it all go away? Why is always negative stuff? Why are you telling me you probably can't have a baby? (because that's what the doctor just told me). Now you might have cancer? See, you're always negative. Give me good news."
Me - "Do you hear what I'm saying at all?
Him - "If you had just been more prepared and better organized with.... I told you to do this.... I work and have bills, I have enough to deal with, I don't have time for your problems. Who needs more kids anyway when I have to worry about college funds for (his) boys. You need to clean the (virtually spotless) house more and I'll resent you less and maybe if you get a job then I can be less stressed and be more supportive"
Me - end up crying and give up trying to talk to him
This can go on for 2 days. After yelling he'll just walk out and ignore me. Slam doors, sleep on the edge of the bed (if I sleep in our room - I usually opt to sleep on the sofa). Then the next day he'll ask to call a truce and act like nothing happened, like I'm supposed to pretend everything is fine. And I do, and I stuff it all in and deal with all the stress alone for as long as I can. Then it starts over again. It feels like he's emotionally punching me in the gut.
Now, when it's him upset or stressed, I'm the one rubbing his back, telling him he's amazing and everything will be ok. Because I love him, because I hate seeing him hurt. So if he loves me, why does he not only want to see me hurt but wants to step on me when I'm down?
That's why I want to walk.
Yes, I can control only myself. I DB'd for 2 years... I know how it works. I know I can choose to shut up and deal with my problems alone (because no, I don't have family or friends close by)... oh wait, I AM dealing with them alone already! I can just chose if I want to be ignored by my husband just because he's stressed and doesn't want to hear me.
I know I can't take 6 more months of that. I don't even think I can take 6 more days.
I can't say I see the attraction to your H. But take the focus off him and put it on you.
You are not in any position to make a decision about your M right now. You are too exhausted and too fragile emotionally.
Quit making excuses and take a break. There are many very inexpensive ways to get away for a few days. Let me know if you need suggestions.
What have you done to reduce your commitments and emotional overhead to better take care of you right now?
Perhaps the time to try to talk to him is not when he is yelling at you, but when he has calmed down. But that seems to be precisely when you decide not to talk to him...
I have tried apologizing for asking too much of him when I even just want 1 hug. I have tried not asking anything. If he'd even just leave me alone when things are really stressful, it would be easier... but freaking out and yelling and making it worse just well, makes it worse. I feel like he's kicking me when I'm down and I can't handle that and resent him for doing that and not being supportive.