My W and I have been together two years. Like all couples we've had ups and downs, but more to the extreme sides when they happened. We'd be overyly happy when we were happy and ready to call it quits when it was bad. We had a very codependent R.
My W left last sat, while i was at work. When i got home everything was gone (almost everything). She had packed everything up the night before when I got home and had threatened to leave then, but we talked - she actually initiated the talk and seemed to want me talking her into staying - and she stayed obviously. She had said she was going to stay before I left for work and was very affectionate when she dropped me off and said I love you.
I know now she had it planned, and i've come to grips with it. But later that nite after i had returned home and found her gone, she txtd saying how she screwed up, was sorry and wanted to come home. We talked again on sunday and she agreed she was coming home monday morning (she actually had a friend pick her up and take her 2 hours away). She then called again at 1am Monday morning bawling her eyes out how badly she wanted to come home, and i was very supportive saying i'm not mad and i forgive her for leaving and i want her to come home.
Long story short, we had a bit of a blow up when she kept putting off leaving monday and then had to take the dog to the vet because it broke it's leg (yes it really did break it's leg). She stopped contact with me, and like any hurt lover, i pursued her for the next 9 hours repeatedly with calls and texts, all with no reply. That's when i realized i needed to put the DB techniques back to work.
I stopped all contact with her for a day and a half. I then txtd her letting her know I called business that owed her money and they said they were going to mail us her check. She responded and then i asked about the dog (yes i know pursuing). Finally i said it might be easier if i could just call as I had a couple other things i wanted to ask her. she agreed relunctantly. After being very civil and upbeat, she even commented on it, I asked if this was it and she said she thought so. I asked what happened that it actually came to this, and she said she needs her independence and that i never really seemed to understand her.
Instead of arguing I tried validating her, without overly apologizing. The conversation was mixed as she was annoyed that she had to talk to me so I asked how the other dogs were doing, she took all four. We made small chit chat and then I said I'm going to let you go, i have to be somewhere shortly. She said she was stopping by this weekend to pick up a couple things she forgot, and agreed to bring back a few things she took by "mistake."
Later that nite, i looked back at the phone records and found all day tuesday she had an 8 hour txt fest with someone she was romantically involved with the first 7 months of our R. He was a type of sugar daddy to her at the time, and her being fresh out on her own i'm sure she needed some money. I was hurt and angry so I sent an email letting her know how little i approved of what she was doing without letting her I knew about the OM, in a less then DB'ing manner. I informed her she wasn't supposed to call, txt, stop by, not did i want to see her again. I left it at that.
Thursday, she started txting what my problem was and what she did to me to p*ss me off. I didn't respond. She called in the afternoon which i didn't answer. She texted me to grow up and just answer her. Finally, she called at 10pm which i then answered. She asked what she did wrong and I just said that i was frustrated and regretted sending it to her. She said she didn't deserve the email and that she knew that i was a better person then that, which i am. I apologized and let her that i'm not like that and that it's not something i'm going to do again. She said she still wanted to stop by this coming Sunday to pick up her stuff. I said alright. The convo had went from tense to much more civilized very quickly by me not reacting to her prods.
While we were talking, she had said she understood i was frustrated and she said she was confused too (duh). Also,if she didn't care, i doubt she would have taken the initiative to bother talking to me. So now here i am. planning my next move.
I'm trying to get motivated to do stuff for myself, as we had been so codependent on each other for so long it is hard to remember doing anything just for myself.
I did work out this week, something i haven't done in 6 months. Also i plan on going out and pulling weeds in the garder later today. I also may try and paint the living room in the next two days before she gets here to show her I haven't been laying around moping and feeling sorry for myself.
Just needed to vent, and let this process of DB'ing begin, with this as an outlet for my frustration along the way that i know i will encounter. I need all the support i can get.
this is both our 2nd marriage. and yes while she seems young, she has already lived quite a life. She hasn't developed the coping skills or self-confidence skills i have, or relationship skills either, as it is i often who tries to solve the problem (which is also a problem in and of itself). She has had a very traumatic childhood and teen life, and still has issues with them. She has spoke in the past about seeking professional help, but never did it (regreting terribly right now).
We do love each other, i know that. I also know this isn't going to be fixed this weekend or likely in a month or even three. I have to be committed to working on this for the long term, and am not expecting a speedy homecoming (although i pray it happens everyday).
It does sound like a very co-dependent, enmeshed, and even passive-aggressive relationship. First you kick her to the curb (which -- for the record -- I think was the RIGHT thing to do), and then you apologize to her and tell her that you won't do that again?? WTF????
It sounds like your wife is having an affair -- again. What are your boundaries in this regard, and did you communicate those to her after her LAST fling with this guy? Seems to me you need to figure out just how much you're willing to put up with, and then learn to lay out -- and enforce -- your boundaries. If it were me, and there were no kids involved????
... I'd kick her to the curb and pack her stuff and leave it on the porch.
Hi - I don't know your sitch but just wanted to say hello and offer support. Have you been to any kind of MC? If your wife keeps having affairs, do you know what needs she has that she is seeking outside the marriage? I'm no affair expert by any means, but thinking about this question has helped me to DB more effectively.
H and I are both very passionate people who feel and express love and pain in very dramatic ways. I'm in a very co-dependent, conflict-ridden, marriage too and find it very hard to stay the course with GALing, acting As If b/c of the basic emotional vibrations in our relationship. We have the classic push/pull going on.
Recently, I decided to write down some goals for myself for the next year. I'm very goal-oriented, so hopefully this will bring me back to a place of emotional stasis no matter what H decides to do.
Me 39, H 41 M 17, T 21 Son, 4 Bomb 2.09, Two EAs Separated 8.4.09 My Long Story and First Postings
If it were me, and there were no kids involved????
... I'd kick her to the curb and pack her stuff and leave it on the porch.
I second this. Except she already took her stuff, so that saves you the packing.
Things were working...she was trying to contact you...but then you retracted it all. Are you upset or not about her text-fest with an OM that she already was with? I'd have told her straight out what the problem was, and told her you aren't sharing. People that are guilty of something usually try to turn the tables by making you look like the ogre (ie "you're bigger than this"). Well, it isn't being small to have a boundary that you expect your wife to be faithful to you. I would go more dark. Go back to not talking to her unless she's the one that contacts you. If you get the opening, I'd tell her that you know about OM and then get off the phone. Let her stew with that and draw her own conclusions.
She probably stopped contacting you about the time she started trying to re-start something with OM.
She doesn't sound like a great catch at the moment. You can afford to hold out for nothing but all of her. And work on getting yourself independent. Get to the point you realize you'll be fine without her and you'll be in a better position to make a better relationship.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Thank you everyone for taking the time to post on my sitch. It definately helps me stay focused where i need to head next.
part or the reason i didn't bring up OM is that i wanted to wait and see where it headed. without letting her know i checked up on her, i just verbalized that i wasn't happy with her or approved of what shes doing.
she txtd OM all day tuesday. i looked today, and she has not called or txted him since then, tho either. this is part of the reason i didn't want to bring it up as i wanted to see her actions. also saying i didn't approve of her talking to him specifically may only have made her to do it more, so that's why i didn't.
she called this morning wondering what i was up to. i kept it brief and very friendly (polite not flirty). no arguements, not even a hint of one brewing. asked what i was doing today and kept it vague, appointment at 4:30, run to the bank, and then some other errand stuff. She asked what i was doing at 4:30 and i said getting my haircut.
she said if i ever needed to talk to her or something came up that i should call. i said ok. she started talking about the dog(s) and she started rambling, then scolding the dog, at which point i said i'd let her go. goodbye, and hung up.
it felt good and i feel good, especially now that i'm home and got my hair colored and cut. if she even shows up on sunday, i want to look better then when she left, to remind her what she's missing. i need to go buy a nail kit and do my nails lol.
OH, i hate waiting! i'm the most impatient person in the world, but after reading some of the quotes on here and doing a search on google, it helps me stand firm for what i'm striving towards. I love my W, and i want her back.
also saying i didn't approve of her talking to him specifically may only have made her to do it more, so that's why i didn't.
Oh please. Is she your wife, or not??
You're showing WEAKNESS, in my opinion, and a woman will never respect weakness. And, women tie their feelings of "respect" VERY closely to their feelings of "love."
If you want to be more attractive to her, I suggest you look for ways you can exhibit STRENGTH, RESOLVE and CHARACTER to her.
point taken PDT. thank you. I have to figure out how to show strength without seeming like im an a**hole. I guess just being firm and stand my ground without giving her an order is the way i should go. i used to be this way but like everyones said, we've both become codependent.
on the other hand tho, she hasnt had contact w OM since Tuesday, so i don't know if it's worth bringing up at this point. i'll just watch and see what unfolds on her part
