I have been married for 22 years. I love my husband and we generally get along very well. We have had several long-standing issues over our marriage that haven't been resolved. One is his binge drinking. He doesn't do it often, but when he does it concerns me. He has a very stressfull job and I think that is his way of dealing with the stress. Not good, I know.
We also have a difference in sex drives. I'm the HD one. From what I've read, I have had very typical emotions from dealing with this. Hurt, anger, loss of self-esteem, etc
Just to add to the mix, I developed a chronic illness four years ago. It has affect my self-esteem greatly. That was something that was really never an issue for me. I've gained weight.I'm not able to keep up with the housework (I'm a perfectionist, but working on it).I'm unable to work more than 15 hours a week. I finally got disability, so between my small salary and that I am contributing to our household income.
My DH does not show affection the same way I do. I've read the Five Languages of Love and we speak different love languages for sure. I love hugs and kisses and everything else. It's hard to tell that someone loves you when they don't show affection. He does work hard and provide for us. And, he does some housework and all of the yard work. He is getting better about telling me he loves me. But, usually I have to say it first.
I will admit that I am an emotional basket case. Our two older kids are in college now (well,they are home for the summer now) and we have one who is 16 and just started driving. Add the chronic illness into the mix and my premenopausal hormones and things are just a mess.
I used to hold things in. Now, I've turned into a screamer. I hate that. He just sits there most of the time. We are able to talk things through at times though, even though we don't always resolve things.
I have gone through spells of being very jealous of his past. He does have several women friends. Which, I do believe are just friends. I think I've focused on his past because in my mind I picture him as being a young, wild guy who chased after and had a lot of partners. I feel as if he wanted them and he doesn't want me. For what it's worth, every time we ML it is great. He even agrees with this. I know I have to get these thoughts out of my mind because they will not help things.
I want to work things out with him because I do love him. We have a lot of fun together. Any suggestions? I asked him to go to a counselor and he said no. I am going to go to one though. He may change his mind.
Thanks for listening to my ramblings. Any suggestions? Opinions?
L&C, - my situation is not exactly like yours, but I do understand. My long-term illness forced my husband and I to separate for a long time as I needed more care than he could give me (he travels for his job). The longer I was sick, the more he seemed to lose interest in me. Now that I am better, he has stated that he has no interest at all in getting back together. This despite the fact that we have a 6 year old child together (I have physical custody, husband visits once every 4-6 weeks). Sometimes I think serious or chronic illness pushes a spouse away because at first they are afraid of losing the ill spouse to whatever disease or condition they may have developed. The distance starts from fear but after a while they have distanced themselves so far emotionally that they "lose the way home." Even now that I am mostly recovered, I wonder if my husband feels like since this illness is something that is going to affect me for the rest of my life (DRs have told me it probably took 10-20 years off my overall life span due to heart muscle damage), he just doesn't want to take the chance of getting close again and losing me. Plus, like you, I've gained weight, and I can't lose it b/c my heart meds lower my metabolism drastically - plus I'm not allowed to exercise to any great extent. I'm sure my husband has lost any attraction he had for me, while at the same time he has lost almost 100 pounds and is lighter than he has been since he was 18! At the same time, he has a sex addiction so not living together for 5 years, either he resents me for no sex (assuming he has managed to be chaste) or else he has cheated and feels guilty about it even though honestly considering our situation I would never blame him. I loved the 5 Love Languages book. I don't see my husband often enough to try it out on him much and the couple of times I did, it backfired. His LL is definitely physical affection and every time I try to touch him he jumps away from me as fast as he can. I have found that they have worked wonders with my son, whose LL is also touch. He used to get really cranky when he hadn't been snuggled enough, now he knows if he needs to be cuddled, to just come to me and tell me his love tank needs to be filled! If only adults had the good sense to be open about such things, we would probably have a lot less divorce!
Hi, L&C I'm new here, too and I know the hold-your-breath moment of hitting "send" on your first soul-baring post and waiting and...nothing(?)
Give it and us time. Even when no one replies immediately, we're reading (just look at the 'Views' column), commiserating, and learning from you.
I'm sorry about your illness. Others with the same experience can and will say more than I can on that.
I do identify with your HD predicament. With two in college and one 16y/o (learning to drive...gives me shivers remembering going through that with my four), I assume H is in early 40s at least. How about a physical with blood workup including Free Testosterone Levels. Plummeting T levels affect more than just libido, like overall vitality, eliminating covert depression, strength of heart beat/contraction and so much more. I began taking topical bio-identical Testosterone, 2 yrs ago and it worked wonders ("I remember this guy," quoteth The Gardener at the time).
L&C, don't scream (but you know that). Anger fills a room like no other emotion. Think of your screaming as firing a shotgun. Startled innocent bystanders (like 16 y/o) who get hit hit with "only" 10 or 12 pellets of shot take small comfort from your explanation that you were "aiming" at H.
Anger is often just crudely disguised pain, and always the result of not accepting what is (reality). How futile is that?
That's all I got at this hour, L&C. Hope it helps. If it's any consolation, all of us newbies - and many veterans - are L&C, too
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
English Rose, Sorry about your sitch. It has to be hard being ill and being apart. It's weird, in my situation, I'm the one doing the pushing away. In the back of my mind, I guess I'm afraid he will leave, but he's never given any indication of that. If I don't get a grip on my emotions though, it could push him away.
I will probably be affected by my illness for the rest of my life. They believe that I have a form of Muscular Dystrophy. It's taken a long time to find a doctor who will help me. That has just added to our problems. I think that our existing problems have just been magnified with my illness.
Anyway, back to you. Is there any chance of you two getting back together? Have you tried any of the DB techniques yet? GAL, going dark, etc. My situation isn't so bad that I've had to resort to those techniques. Although I have to say that it's good for anyone to make sure they don't lose themselves in their marriage.
Gardner, Thank you so much for your input. It's great to get a man's point of view.
My DH will be 50 next week (one of my current stresses has been planning a surprise party...looks like over 50 people will be here!! :o). Anyway, I have asked him about getting his Testosterone checked. So far, he hasn't had it done. He does get a yearly physical though (finally started doing that about five years ago). I think I will encourage him again. I have told him that low levels of T can cause all sorts of health problems not just low libido.
Good observation about the anger being disguised pain....I've wondered about this myself. We had a heated discussion the other night when I brought up our ongoing problems...drinking and sex. I said I felt that some of my anger was due too never resolving these problems. Of course he said he was working on that (which he is), so why bring it up? But, if it's not resolved in my mind it does affect how I'm feeling.
I need to go now. I'll try to get back here later.
Things have been going really well the last few days. Emotionally, I'm on a more even keel. I'm really working on the self-talk problems I have. Does anyone have any suggestions for this? Any good books?
I've always had a healthy self-esteem and been a positive person, but the past few months I find myself blaming myself and being more down on myself. I'm thinking this all correlates to my illness progressing among other recent stressors.
Also, I tend to want to talk things out and my DH doesn't. It's as if he ignores things they will go away. Of course, I tend to talk things to death. The issue of his occasional binges is probably not even worth talking about anymore as he knows how I feel and he has been doing better.
I'm going to put the HD/LD issues to rest for now too. As they have improved. I can see though where, in the past, I pushed too hard. I'm going to work on GAL (which includes losing about 20 pounds).
I hope to get back here to respond to other threads as I want to give not just take.
