Does anyone out there no what to do when WAS doesn't want any contact with you or the children? My H suffers from depression but this is unbelievable!! He changed his cell number and moved out of his parent's house 1 month ago and NOTHING!!!
Is this what it means "going dark"? My sitch is on another thread.
Please advise!!! I just want my family back together again!!!
You mean to change this and MAKE him want to be there with you and your family whole?
Cause if that is what you mean.....then I can't help you.
But if you mean how can you deal with this, and take it for what it is, and actually grow and learn to be a better person through his Houdini act ?
Then yes I can, and several others here that CAN help you become a better person, wife, and friend.
Going dark is about you....Not about trying to prove anything to your whacked out spouse. This is the time when you learn a LOT about yourself and who you want to be. Make the changes permanent for you and you only.
Take deep long looks in the mirror and take inventory of yourself and address your "to do" list.
I want....I want....I want... Is that the image of what you want him to think about when he thinks of you ?
Cause that would be a really selfish memory of you for him to have.
There are gonna be good days and bad days for you. Keep the good ones as reflections of what you want to be , and use the bad ones as examples of who you DON'T want to be.
You really can control more than you think you can right now...and that is how YOU react.
Do you love him enough to let him go ?
Ask yourself that, and if your answer is yes, then do the work.
Thanks M1! He sent a card to our daughter, got it yesterday for her graduation from 6th grade. I called her counselor before I gave it to her to see if it was okay. She said for me to screen it first so he isn't messing with her head anymore. So I did and it was fine. Just a card and saying Love Dad.
I knew though once she opened it she would want to contact him and would be upset knowing that she can't. And she was upset!!
I also got a letter from my lawyer stating that my H does not have a lawyer anymore. So I don't know whether to think this is a good thing (maybe reconsidering the D or what) or just that he is going to find a new one.
His lawyer was really good so I don't know what the heck happened! What do you think?
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
I just want to save the marriage but don't know how.
IMHO, the only way to save a M is to save yourself first. I know your sitch is very fresh and the wounds are deep. Heal them first. You can't worry about your H, what he's doing, who he's seeing, where he is. He has pulled an 'escape'. Is that the action of a responsible man? No. He has chosen to disappear from all of his responsibilities because he can't handle them. It's hard not to worry about someone you love, but the most loving thing you can do for him and yourself and your kids is to LET HIM GO.
I do have a question though. He has changed his phone number and moved away from his family. Does he give you child support?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I think that in your current situation you should throw a party when he doesn't contact you! First, you don't have to worry about walking on eggshells, you don't have to think that anything you say might (or I perhaps should say will) be used against you. Second, you can save yourself a lot of time, since you won't have to spend it trying to find deeper meanings in everything he says (there aren't any, but that won't stop you trying to find them)!
Look at his lack of contact as giving you an opportunity to focus on yourself. Become a stronger person, for yourself. It is really true that if you do this, you become more attractive to him (once he regains his sanity). And if he doesn't regain his sanity, you'll be better prepared to take on life yourself. Or with any future partner. In fact, I think you should look at any R you have with him as being a new R. You don't want to go back.
As Mishka said, right now you are not saving the M. You are saving yourself. Have at it!
Thanks Mish and Jeff! I know that I need to work on myself, my problem is even though my post is fresh he left 7 months ago!
That is what scares me!! It has been a long time and I don't want our marriage to end!! I love him deeply and I know that I can't get him help until he wants to help himself!
I just don't know if I should keep holding on.....it seems like most people on this site got back together a lot sooner!
I think at seven months you are just getting warmed up! Ali was two years! Some are longer, and still "succeed". The thing that I have realized in my time here is that it is important to realize that you can only control yourself. And in the end, that might or might not be enough to save the M. But it can always be enough to save yourself!
You should absolutely stop "holding on"! That doesn't mean that you stop working for your marriage. But holding on isn't the way to do it. Think of him as a skittish cat.... the more you try to hold on, the more he tries to get away. The more you pull in the more he will pull away. By not contacting you he is actually making it easier for you to "drop the rope"! So, take advantage of it.
One other thing I think you should do now, because if he starts to come back, you are going to want to be ready. I think you should deeply examine yourself, and why you love him. Why you want him back. If he comes back, there is going to be some serious resentment on your part, and a huge need for forgiveness. You are going to need to know why that's what you want, and more then "because I love him".
I totally understand Jeff!! I know that if he ever wants to come back I will have to make sure it is going to take a lot of forgiveness!!!
Maybe I didn't mean holding on, I meant not to give up on the marriage!
Before he stopped all contact with me and the kids I didn't answer the phone for 3 days when he called. He could have been calling our daughter, I don't know because he didn't leave a message. Then after our hearing on regards to our visitations with our daughter the only contact he made was sending her a card.
He only lives about 15min. away but didn't attend her 6th grade graduation!
Jeff, did you read my whole sitch? Just curious to see about the depression part and see if your advice is still the same?
