Okay so, after many months wife wants to reconcile!
How does this work?
She had an affair that started after we separated and ended it, she was cruel sometimes but she says now that she has thought about all she has done to me and wants to regain my trust.
Where do we start. I mean it really looks like the odds are not in our favor. We had a huge fight last week when we saw eachother.
There is no contact she moved to another state. Now what? She is willing to tell me anything I ask.
How do we proceed now? She wants to talk about how to move forward.
So much betrayal to weed through and recover from, not just the OM but the fact that she lost respect for me and threw me out in the cold and ignored my feelings and then of course the issues that drove us to this in the first place.
Yes, it can be done, but you -- as the betrayed spouse -- will need her to be completely transparent in order for you to regain trust. New cellphone # (with detailed billing, sent to you), new e-mail address, keylogger on her computer, etc.
That sounds like a relationship based on distrust to begin with. It does not sound like forgiveness but more like a feeding of insecurity.
9,
The distrust began with her adulterous behavior. Are you saying it's not reasonable that there should be consequences to that, and that there may be things she needs to do in order for her husband to feel like he can trust her again?
The concept of "transparency" was not made up by me. Many authors have written about it, and it is the foundation of MANY reconciliation plans.
It all depends on how it's presented. If it's a vindictive "do this or else," it will never work. It needs to be a "If you don't want to do this, I understand, but this is what I need in order to feel comfortable in the marriage now that you've already had an affair and left me once. It won't be forever, but for now, this would really help me."
The transparency is def needed. However it is not the cheating that I need to be made to feel safe from, it is the walking away. The affair did not happen until after W had given up and I left my own home at her request.
What I need is to feel secure that she will not cash it in when things get tough like she did. She is not a sneak, she was always completely open about it so when she says it's over, I know it is.
We have talked for the past three days and I asked her what she calls our situation. "We are separated but trying to save the marriage" Is how she will term it when asked.
I told her that all along I never felt safe in knowing she would stay married to me. I come from a long line of busted families and actually both of my parents separated and the one that took me tossed me in a children's home for 4 years until another relative rescued me.
I did a lot to sabotage my marriage too, I tested W a lot and she walked out but now she is trying to convince me that she loves me too much to end it w/out trying again.
We are cautious and are treading lightly. W need to figure out how to avoid fighting when difficulty arises but we are sort of idiots when it comes to that.
Okay I get your point!! But it is not what is concerning me right now. Like I said, I have issues with other aspects of her betrayal and that is what I want to address.
I am looking for suggestions to getting past the pain and into a new relationship with her. I have confronted her and dealt (am dealing with) with the situation already that is why I am in "piecing".
Can someone else lend some help to my sich please?
You started this thread asking "where do we start?" on this attempted road to reconciliation. I gave you my opinion, based on my knowledge and experience: that it has to start with full transparency. Has it ever occurred to you that "what's concerning you right now" has LED to your marital problems? and that you might need to do something DIFFERENTLY?
You're welcome to take my advice or leave it, as always, but you don't need to shout at me when I was merely responding to your request for help.
