Being an verbal / non-verbal abuser

[iwantittowork]

Last year my W found this book and read it, and then gave it to me to read:

The Verbally Abusive Relationship

It was clear after I read it, that I had done a lot of the behaviors in the book, and her realization was the impetus behind our counseling and now our impending D.

I took, and still take, the responsibility for those actions and the hurt I caused, and for a long while I have been grieving for hurting the person I love the most, so much.

It's been the underlying reason I have almost given up everything so she can move on, at whatever cost to me. I almost left our home to make amends for it, I am DB'ing, but realize that I can't keep her in the relationship if she doesn't want to stay. I am in counseling on my own to make changes to myself, so I can hopefully move past these issues.

Does anyone else here have experience with this? Have you been able to change your behaviors? I have been looking back through our R, and it seems at times my behaviors were also responses to her behaviors, and while I am not condoning them, I am trying to come to understand them.

I feel I am fully at fault for our R breakdown after reading this book and then going to 8 months of M counseling and not being successful. I am trying hard to not fall into the same patterns, but when my W and I are not on the same page, she says I am just falling back into them no matter what I say.

Can acknowledgment of me having some of these behaviors be used against me in D proceedings?

I am really tied up in knots about this, and how it will affect my D, my soon to be ex, and my future. I hope that some people on this board can offer me some guidance and insights to this and these issues. I have never thought of myself as a bad person, until I read this book and realized the things that I had done.

[lost&confused]

Hi. I'm new here too. I think we probably all have regrets about how we have behaved in our relationships. I know I do. But, you are ahead of so many people because you have admitted your wrong doings.

In most cases, I don't think one person alone can be held responsible for the breakdown of a relationship (unless there was abuse involved).

I am in the beginning stages of trying to change my behavior. I haven't been at it very long, but what I have noticed is that our behavior and actions really do affect those that we love.

For so many years, we held things in in our marriage. Now, I've turned into a screamer. It's all about self control though. I have to use a lot of self-talk to get me through those times where I feel like I'm going to lose it. But, I have faith that I can make changes. I think anyone can if they try hard enough.

I'm sure others will be along to give you more suggestions. Good luck with everything.

[Coach]

IWITW, Google "compassionpower" by Stosny.
Yes,you can change. You have to understand your emotions and become self-aware. Do it for yourself. You can handle it.
Cheers
Coach

[GH31]

Does anyone else here have experience with this? Have you been able to change your behaviors?

I was very verbally abusive in most of our marriage. I also grabbed and manhandled my wife twice on the street, as well as shouted at her shortly before she left me.

Yes, I have changed - practically purged it all from my repertoire of behaviours.

You can change too. It's a question not of capability but of motivation. I still get angry, and when my wife does something objectionable I simply react differently.

I would use this resource if you are serious about changing permanently: Psycho Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz. Read it twice, make notes on it and do the 21 day exercise that he recommends to the letter.

I know what it is like to feel the crushing guilt that you have experienced.

You must change. If you do not, you will love someone again in the future and end up hurting them in precisely the same way.

There is of course much more to it than that. I will be very happy to share any more thoughts with you.

GH31

[iwantittowork]

Thanks all,

For me, I was not so much a verbal abuser, but wound up non-verbally doing the same thing. I never called her names, or screamed at her, hit or ever would grab her. Silent treatments, sighing, always in a bad mood, not complimenting her etc. At the time, I couldn't see it, and I still have a tough time finding the line to what is right behavior and wrong.

Looking back, I understand it was wrong to do these and over time they just added up on her, but I had no other tools that I knew how to use to discuss how I felt when I was unhappy, etc.

Looking back, there are times when she manipulated me, even if not intentionally, and I didn't know how to respond. I always acquiesced to her over all the major and minor decisions in our life, concluding she is very strong willed and when she gets her mind made up, my thoughts and input had not validity. (Whether that is in mine own mind, or not is tough to determine at this point looking back...)

I am not saying this to accuse her of any wrongdoing, but I am trying to pinpoint in me what the triggers where, so I know where I need to work on and what I should be looking at in me to why I behaved this way. I have always thought of myself as a nice guy, and to not see what I was doing was a major downfall in our relationship.

I am committed to making those changes in me, and have been in counseling, going to group therapy soon, reading many books on the subjects, etc.

I am also surprised when talking to my counselor about this, I had been taking 100 percent of the blame for the downfall of the M, but he has pushed back on me a bit on that, saying that I can take the blame for those things that I did wrong, and work on those, but that there are still 2 people in the relationship, and that my actions are not 100 percent the reason for the impending D. Whether that is to try and help me boost my own self image, which has taken a major hit this past few years, or not, I am not clear on yet..