Still Living Like Room Mates

[HHIF]

We've been back together for over a year now but we still live like room mates.We Share the same bed and parent and pay bills together and we go to dinner every once in awhile,but we don't touch we don't talk about relationship we just go about each day as friends.She seems fine with this but I want my wife and lover back.I try to stay patient and give her space and continue to pray that she will want to heal our marriage and get past this palce we are stuck in.

[Done in VA]

I know in DBing no R talk is a biggie, but if you are reconciling, have you spoken to her about this? What does she say? Have you tried to start off holding her hand or just showing some basic affection? How does she respond?

[HHIF]

She knows I very much want to be close and touch and hold each other again but I have been just giving her time and space and waiting for her to come to me.She knows where I stand and what I want and I don't want to push her.She has come to me a couple of times and we ended up making love, one when she was thinking about her gandmother that had passed and I was just kind and comforting to her and the other time we had been at a party out of town and had a little to much to drink.But after both of those nights things just went back the way they were treating me like a good friend.
I have been thinking about beginning to touch her in non sexual ways when I can just to start having some kind of physical contact.

[Done in VA]

I think initiating some physical touch in non sexual ways is good. That can help get rid of the awkwardness. Maybe even just touching her arm when you thank her for something she did that day. See how she responds for a bit. Sit closer to her on the couch when you are watching tv. Eventually take her hand. That sort of thing. What about offering to give her a massage? Do NOT try to make it lead to something else. Just get the affection back for now.

[HHIF]

I will try but she does not show many signs of wanting to be touched agian.I will have to take it slow and pick my spots.My gut feeling is that she will not be very reseptive.She goes to work comes home makes dinner most nights we walk the dogs,she watches some tv and goes to sleep.I will go and there and lay in bed with her and watch tv at times,but she just stays on her side of the bed and doesn't say much and I usally get short answers if I ask something.Like I said I do not get many signs from her that she wants to be any closer right now and I don't want to do things that make things worse.

[BigJohn]

HHIF,

I'm a relative newbie here but I currently have the same minimal physical contact with my wife. One idea that crossed my mind with her (presuming we work on reconciliation at some point) was to consider taking a course together in massage at the local junior college. Might be an easy pretext for you two to touch each other in an "educational" setting and re-familiarize yourselves with each other. Just a thought.

[aliveandkicking]

I shut down physically to H because of deeper issues. I know now that it was not my problem (thought I was frigid) and it was not lack of attraction. I felt too unstable in the R, finances were a mess and I felt responsible for everyone else's well beings in my family.

The non-sexual physical stuff didn't do it. I'll tell you, what helped was when H would take great care of the kids, handle some situation that had been looming, take charge, take some of the burden off of me, support me in some profound way (acknowledge me, do something to exhibit his confidence in me)...

This is deeper than sex. Read Passionate Marriage by Shnarch...really illuminating.

[MrBond]

Was it an actual reconciliation or was D just not brought up again? Are the issues you had still there?

It didn't sound like it was a mutual reconciliation. Just sweeping the problems under the rug.

[Phoenixdeux]

A year of space is a long time. What do YOU want? I've always had a problem with reconciliations that sound more like one spouse falling back into something familiar and non-threatening without doing any work to advance the marriage. Would you say that you or your wife are actually growing, or is this just a stagnant facade of a marriage?

I also think that it's probably fear that keeps you at arms length. I bet you think, at least on some level, that you'll push her further away and she'll leave again if you try to work towards improving the relationship or asking her to step up. Fear is a terrible position to be in. Maybe she came back before you ever got to the point where you realized that you could have a life after her.

My suggestions: Sit her down and tell her that the current situation isn't working for you. It can't just be a complaint though. You have to have a plan for improvement and specifics about what you need from her. Perhaps you could suggest marriage counseling. I'd say a refusal on her part gives you a pretty good idea that she isn't on board.

[HHIF]

She is the one that filed for D and she is the one that asked me to come back home and stopped the D.I know two big reasons that she did ask me back home were our kids and finances,but she did say that she wanted to see if we could work things out.She told me when we first got back together not to push sex because she wasn't ready for that she wanted to work on the friendship first.She is confused and she does worry about paying bills and keeping kids happy and her job,all of that stuff worries her and I think she has trouble relaxing.I do feel like if I can find a way to get the financial pressure off of us that she would be much more at ease and look at me different,and no all of the issues that caused the seperation have not been fixed yet.and I do believe fear does keep me from confronting her,she knows I'm not happy with the way our marriage is and she's not either but niether of us treat the other bad or are involved with other people we are just kind of stuck right now and I'm not sure what if anything I can do about it.