Feeling Like A Victim Tonight....

[eternaloptimist]

I'm feeling so very sad tonight. We had a rough weekend with little arguments every day, stress, problems communicating, but I stayed strong and didn't let him pull me into fights. He called us "oil and water" and doesn't make much effort to communicate effectively. He just labels everything so negatively. I'm pretty sure he's having a MLC and is depressed. He'll never admit it. The only positive that would come out of a divorce is that "MAYBE" he'll be happy. Everything else will be so painful.

He's just done making any effort. Too much work for him, he's exhausted. Trying to "keep the peace" so H can make his decision in the next two weeks. I've been in Limbo Land for months now. H has to make a decision by mid-June b/k of our son's school situation. It has been extremely stressful b/c I only found out the details of his affair last week.

MIL emailed my H and said "When you kids separate..." as if he already made the decision. It hurts so bad b/c it seemed like he already told them he wants a divorce. H says, well, I haven't decided yet and may decide to work on things.

H falls asleep on the couch every night. He's so emotionally distant and has those huge walls up. The anguish/anxiety/fear/panic seem to be taking me over more each day.

I love my H so much. I'm glad that he's in the house, still says he loves me, kisses me at the door, seems to care about me and shows me consideration.

But I still feel like a victim in all of this.

[eternaloptimist]

Just read my post and geez, he is really getting me down! I need someone to SHAKE ME!

I used to be so happy until he dropped the bomb. Most days, I was pretty happy and just love being a Mom or found even the most basic things (like a pretty sunset) to be happy about. I can't believe he can have such control over me.

Anyone else here feel depressed but not comfortable taking anti-depressants? I started taking L-Theanine, an amino acid that has a significant effect on the release or reduction of neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin. It has helped me to relax and helped with my anxiety. But I can't seem to stop crying and panicking.

[aliveandkicking]

Yes, I relate to not wanting to take the drugs.

When did H drop the bomb?

I found that exercise saved me, had to do it EVERY day or I'd be near suicidal (yes, that bad. Not that I'd ever do it, just was so overwhelmed).

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Just read my post and geez, he is really getting me down! I need someone to SHAKE ME!

We did -- on the Infidelity forum. Instead of responding, you started a new thread over here.

You need to expose his affair. In my opinion.

Puppy

[eternaloptimist]

Just read my post and geez, he is really getting me down! I need someone to SHAKE ME!

We did -- on the Infidelity forum. Instead of responding, you started a new thread over here.

You need to expose his affair. In my opinion.

Puppy

Hi, Puppy! How are you? Thanks for SHAKING ME. Sorry I missed your response. I looked there but must have missed it. Mea culpa! I have to move past the affair to give him his 2 weeks of peace. If he decides its over, I'm exposing everything!!!!!!!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Why does HE get to decide??

[eternaloptimist]

Why does HE get to decide??

If I could only embrace that... I wouldn't feel like a victim. I can't seem to move into that place. I've run all the numbers, looked at all of the short- and long-term consequences of a divorce, and it doesn't add up for me. Bottom line, the only two positives from a divorce will be that HE might be happier (no guarantees) and our son might get into a better school district if I move away. Otherwise, it will all be worse.

I'm scared...I don't want to be a Single Mom for my 40th Birthday. I don't want to lose everything I have worked the past 20 years building all b/c H is depressed and can't seem to find any happiness with me.

I know that I DO HAVE A CHOICE. But the choice I want may not be the same that he wants. That is why I'm such a wreck!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

But the choice I want may not be the same that he wants.

But IT WOULD BE THE CHOICE YOU WANT!!

I'm not understanding this. I mean, I understand the FEAR, but I don't understand why you are turning the decision-making over to the one person who does NOT have your marriage's best interests at heart right now.

Puppy

[eternaloptimist]

But the choice I want may not be the same that he wants.

But IT WOULD BE THE CHOICE YOU WANT!!

I'm not understanding this. I mean, I understand the FEAR, but I don't understand why you are turning the decision-making over to the one person who does NOT have your marriage's best interests at heart right now.

Puppy

Hi, Puppy. I hear you. I really do. I think a BIG problem in our marriage has always been CONTROL. So it's no big shocker that it has come to this...him making his decision while we are on vacation. And now I see that H has a huge ego; never really noticed it before b/c he always kept it in check with me and used to be humble. Now it seems he's only out for numero uno, himself.

I keep telling him that I want to save the marriage, that is my choice. Since I have declared that, he puts me in limbo land. Does that make more sense about why I feel powerless? If I want to work on the marriage and he doesn't, and neither of us can move out of the house for various reasons---there I am, the victim of his choice.

[eternaloptimist]

Yes, I relate to not wanting to take the drugs.

When did H drop the bomb?

I found that exercise saved me, had to do it EVERY day or I'd be near suicidal (yes, that bad. Not that I'd ever do it, just was so overwhelmed).

Hi - Oh, I can relate to being so overwhelmed. Can't believe the nausea won't go away. H dropped the bomb back in March I think. I don't remember the day b/c I didn't take him seriously at first. Then we had sex two weeks later, again mixed signals for me. So I guess none of it sank in until I started uncovering his emotional affairs. We've been in conflict ever since. There have been times when I thought we were on a road to "working on the marriage." That was before I found out about the 2nd emotional affair. When I wasn't able to immediately put the affairs behind us, he has been edging closer to divorce.

I'm so emotionally spent. I was having a good day yesterday, made a decision to stay in the house no matter what his decision is b/c that at least gives me and our son some normalcy for a year, a chance to save some money, pay off some debt, and pull myself together. But H keeps pulling us back into conflict with his moods. After our son goes to bed, he more or less falls asleep on the couch, is moody, not pleasant to be around. Does this sound at all like depression? I'm convinced that he's been in a deep depression for a long time. Of course, he'll never admit to it.