I just need support, we have been separated for 3 months..hell. I am doing everything I can to improve myself, my wife and i are nice to one another but the tension is thick in our home. My wife says that counciling is helping but she isn't sure she wants to work on the R..I need some 180 advice. She is gone with the Kids for about a week. I was hoping that she might miss me and it is not my intent on talking to her during that time..any advice?
ME 43 Her 37 Married 6/98 2 sons 8 and 3 Love em tons Seperated March 20th Her- not sure Me willing to make changes
Sorry man. I am right there with you, except my W will not go to couseling. Feel lucky yours is.
These forums have been a great help to me. I would encourage you to stay in touch with them.
What are you doing to work on you?
I am new to all this, and certainly defer to other, more experienced folks. But, I think they would agree that you have to turn the focus on you, not your W - I know that is HARD - I am dealing with it as well.
As far as 180's, what have you been doing that has not worked? It sounds like you may be making your changes for W, not you. Sorry if I'm wrong - just giving my impression. Changes have to be for you, not her, not kids.
While your W is gone for the week, this would be a great time to focus on yourself. You have to work on being happy with you. Once you are happy with you, your self confidence will grow. With that comes the realization that no matter what happens, you will be ok. I am working on that very issue right now. Yes, it will be hard if W goes through with D, but I WILL still have/see my kids, and my life WILL go on. As you reach this point of confidence, I bet you will find the tension in your house is less because you will also be able to (a) let go (if she comes back, great, if not, you do not fear that) and (b) realize many of W's problems are W's, not yours. Again, work on what you can control - you.
Can you get out and do something you have wanted to do but haven't while your W is out of town? Doesn't have to cost $$$ - could be heading out for a hike, hitting some golf balls, hooking up with some friends you have fallen out of touch with, whatever. Stay busy to try to keep your mind off W - the more you do this the easier it gets.
What is your situation - it helps the more you can describe it.
givingitmyall Thanks for talking as for me. I am running more, doing church work, helping this homeless guy, I am going to be working on the house, painting rooms. I feel that at times I am becoming a better person for our family, I am doing things sometimes for her, and for my own self esteem, but I vacillate between being OK with it ending and wanting it to work out. My situation is that I was dissapointed in her weight gain before we even had kids...i felt like she gave up on trying to be healthy, I resented that. I tried to encourage at first then it became resentful for me and W felt that, it is "the issue". She has felt that i have been unhappy. However over the years I have learned to put that behind me and see all the awesome qualities she has. And she is very beautiful to me on so many levels and physically as well. She has felt removed for about 1 year now emotionally although I did not pick up on it until she met an old boyfriend on Facebook that told her that he could not care less about her weight, her heart flipped out and now we are in this mess. She has agreed not to talk to him as it turn out he was just being nice and does not want to come in between us. But her heart realized that things could be better. When i found out, i had a come to Jesus experience that I realized that I just totally messed it all up over the years. Since then I have been praying, running, and trying to be nicer and more aware of others around me. she has seen the changes and is happy for me but her heart is not there yet.
ME 43 Her 37 Married 6/98 2 sons 8 and 3 Love em tons Seperated March 20th Her- not sure Me willing to make changes
Also, one of the things you have to develop (hard for me too) is patience. In my case, and it sounds like in yours, it took years to get to this point. It's going to take a while to get to where you want to be. It's a marathon, not a sprint.
Sounds like you are making positive changes. Just remember, they have to be for you.
The vacilation you mentioned - I have seen a lot of people call it a paradox, and it is. You want with all you are to save your marriage while at the same time you have to accept that you will be ok no matter what. Sounds crazy, but it will work for you and calm you down. You don't give up hope on your M, you just accept that there is another possibility out there - one in which you will flourish and develop into a greater man. Reaching that point of acceptance will give you a lot of self-confidence and will make you more attractive to your W (and other womes for that matter).
I have found grerat support on these forums as well as with a handfull of friends who have been through a similar problem. It's good to have someone to talk with, even if it is just to vent.
Before my problem, never was a big fan of counseling. I am now. It has helped me. If you can find a counselor who is a believer in DB'ing (like mine) that would be best.
I have been 4 weeks without pursuing or bringing up R, and at times it is killing me. Just have to take a deep breath and put that part out of my mind. They really need space. Give it to her, without giving up on the R.
Thanks, I am trying to see other points of view for all of this. I think that I have realized that it could go the other way, and there are other women that would be a great match. I think that she see's that too. Working on R without talking about it is a great skill. I am looking forward to the time away, and sorting things out in my mind.
ME 43 Her 37 Married 6/98 2 sons 8 and 3 Love em tons Seperated March 20th Her- not sure Me willing to make changes
As for working on R without talking about it, I am doing that as well. But the way you do that is by changing yourself. She IS watching very carefully, as my W is watching me. W will have to be the one to bring up R talk.
