Would it be at all possible for you to either invite your W to participate in one of your GALs or for the two of you to find an activity to share together?
I find that when my H and I work on any sort of project or activity that requires collaboration, we end up seeing the best in each other. It also helps us laugh and reconnect without pressure.
Would your W be interested in riding the Century? Do either of you like bowling or gardening or rock climbing or dancing or cooking or home improvement?
Also, do you have mutual friends that you both enjoy with whom you can share a group outing? Sometimes a group takes that one-on-one pressure off.
Based on the details of your particular situation, I think it is important to find a way to interact on a basis that doesn't involve household responsibilities, childcare, individual/separate GALs and goals.
I agree with you. I have been really trying in this area, especially since I realized that my W's primary love language is Quality time.
We really do share a ton of interests together. That was one of the things that brought us together in the first place. The biggest challenge that I have been facing is the same one that turned all of our joint activities into individual activities in the first place -- child care.
For example, we used to cycle together all of the time. It was one of the first joint things we did together when we were dating, and we kept it up. Even after we had our first child we would go and drag him along in a trailer. Now with 3, however, that's impossible. I go some mornings. She goes now and then as well, but we'd have to have a sitter to do it together. Same with hiking, roller blading, dancing (which she has nixed because it is too romantic), working out at the gym, or even walking around the block.
(on a side note, I think this was also the cause of the EA. Our joint activities became individual activities, which she then started doing with a male acquaintance who was out alone because he and his W also trade off with their kids, and...)
So most of our joint GAL activities end up being family events.
I originally planned the century as such - we were to trade off riding while the non-rider drives the mini-van full of kids and we meet periodically for breaks / picnics. This would not really be joint GAL because the two of us would not really interact much - just take turns interacting with the other cyclers. (and now, I think W is canceling all-together because she committed to attend a friends child's birthday party).
Tomorrow I think we will go to the pool - one adult watching the older two boys in the big pool while the other hangs out with S1 at the baby pool - not much "joint" there.
Hiking becomes a short walk in the woods dragging several tired and complaining kids.
We do also go out a lot as a couple, mostly to parties at one friends house or another - but you know how those go - arrive, split up and talk to different people, then depart again together.
Other than that, our joint activities are reduced to things that can be done platonically while the kids are asleep: board games, DVD rentals, and American Idol.
So I am not really complaining, just seeing the challenge for what it is. Now that it is Summer, we may be able to find a college student who can babysit during the day so we can do some of this stuff. I'm also trying to work out a deal with one of my friends to trade - "I'll watch your kids so you and your W can go do something, and in trade..." - so far no takers. I'll keep working on it.
Last edited by Thinker; 06/05/0906:58 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Oh, I understand you and didn't think you were complaining for a second.
It is tough to find a sitter, not to mention having to pay for one and the expensive night out! We finally found a great sitter, but we only use her about once or twice a month because paying for the sitter and the outing is not easy to work into our monthly budget.
One idea: Our gym (well, we quit because we couldn't really afford it) had onsite daycare. It really was utopia for us. You might have one of these wonderful places near your house?? It's more money, but it would allow you two to work out together, take a spin class, racquetball, use the spa services or have a light lunch at the snack bar... Nice!
Another tip I recently read is that the fancy hotels that offer childcare services or "Kids Clubs" are really expensive, but you can stay nearby at a cheaper hotel and use the fancy hotel's services for babysitting and activities.
One more idea: I joined a local mommy group and have met so many nice people in the same situation as us. When you are a member of the group, you get on an email list. So, everybody uses it to mass email each other for favors and advice. There are so many nice people in my group, and I know that if I really needed help someone would come to the rescue. I bet that I could work out a barter with a couple of them, too. It takes a little while to get to know each person and decide who you would trust, but the value and support is great.
Our babysitting budget seems to go to 1) social events 2) times that my W has to work as the same time that I do and then 3) occasional activities as a couple. It really seems frustrating to have to pay a babysitter so that you can go for a walk as a couple, but...
Our gym (which is the local YMCA and is nice but definitely not luxurious) does have babysitting, but the hours are aimed at the SAHM's - 9-12 am, etc. I might have to look into a spin class or something that we could take together and that coincides with the babysitting hours. Had not thought of that.
For some reason my W pushes back hard on any sort of "trade" agreement with her friends. She sees it as an imposition - especially with S1 who, like any active S1, requires a lot of attention - hence the reason I am looking to my friends.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
...to work out together, take a spin class, racquetball, use the spa services or have a light lunch at the snack bar...
Just laughing and remembering. I have played racquetball for a while and tried to start playing with my W several years ago. She was new to the sport, but willing to try.
It went well until she stepped in front of me as I was swinging for the ball and I cracked her hard on the arm with my racquet...
...end of good time
...last time for that joint GAL activity
Last edited by Thinker; 06/05/0907:39 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Believe it or not, we have a double trailer, a single trailer, AND a trailer bike.
To go for a family ride, we put S1 in the single, I tow S4 on the trailer bike, and S6 rides slowly along on his own bike. We can then go pedaling slowly for a mile or so.
Anything otherwise becomes an unpleasant event with S4 and S6 both complaining the whole time. Good luck getting S4 or S6 into a trailer once they have experienced other ways to ride...
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
One project that was incredibly fun and intimate was going through all of our favorite music and picking songs for our wedding. It took quite a few weekends to go through everything. We would pour some wine and just start digging through the music, listening to songs that each of us would queue up. The CDs turned out so great, and we still listen to them all the time. We had a ton of requests for copies of them, too!
Another great project was picking photos and video clips of our son as well as music to make a looping multimedia piece for his first BD party.
These activities were deeply intimate.
Maybe you could think of doing something similar for an upcoming event? Or even make a CD together for one of your parents' anniversary?
I know... Seems so high school, making a CD. But it is FUN and romantic!
