Looking for some ideas/insight - please help.

[bluerain]

Exhausted, I think that its important for you to remember when you are thinking about your Family, this is YOUR M, not theirs. This is your family, and while mom, dad and sis have a tremendous influence on your life, you cant hold them accountable for your ultimate happiness. You cant be humiliated unless you feel humiliated. He is the one who made the mistakes, and you can hold your head high knowing that you have been the faithful wife and good mother.

While this woman cant ever be totally out of your life now, your H can still be your H, if you will have him. I hope that she can be strong, what a situation she has gotten herself into! Have they agreed on custody?

[Sugar and Spice]

X67, are you ok? What Bluerain has to say is right on. You didn't choose this and its not your mistake, but you do have the choice whether or not you can deal with it or not. You get one life and if you try and live it for others or their approval, it will only pass you by. You are the only one that knows what you want and are willing to do. If you want to try and save your M, then we are here to support you in your efforts. If you feel you can't then we are here to support you through that as well.

I sympathize with all the feelings you are having right now, I really do. The best thing you can do is start taking care of yourself right now and later sit down and think about this. Its ok to be scared and apprehensive, but don't let it take over.

I was worried and wanted to check in.

[Sugar and Spice]

Are you ok?

[Exhausted67]

Thanks Sugar, Bluerain and Blindsided for your thoughts and for checking in on me. I have had a busy few weeks with all 3 kids sick in succession, and trying to fit in the beginning of all the kids summer activities. On the bright side, all of this has given me something to focus on in addition to the situation with my H. But, any time my mind wanders, it's what I go back to.

H has said numerous times that he is through with the relationship with OW and is committed to our M. I have said that I want to believe that, but don't know how I can at this point. With respect to the baby, he is willing to and wants to pay his share of its expenses, and wants to have some right to see the baby. I have told him that I support him paying his share of expenses, but that any visitation would have to be on my terms, as would any communication with her.

H told OW that this is what he wanted and she told him that if he didn't want to divorce me and be with her that she didn't want him in the child's life at all -- no financial support, no seeing the baby. Oh, and I found her baby registry on-line -- she is having a girl. That gives me some small measure of satisfaction -- we have a boy and 2 girls and I know that H had hoped for a 2nd boy when I was pregnant with our youngest. As bad as the situation is, I am just happy that OW is not giving him the second son that he had wanted. Anyway, if OW maintains her position, H will have to take legal action to establish paternity and ask for visitation. There is a part of me that wishes he would just accept her terms and get her to sign a release acknowledging that she wasn't seeking money or visitation, but I know in my heart that isn't fair to the baby or H. I would welcome a paternity test as I'd like to know for sure if this baby is actually H's. But, I told H he'll have to fund any legal action by selling a motorcycle (he has 3 very expensive bikes) or other personal property of his own that I don't care about, as that money is not going to come out of money that is supposed to go towards taking care of my kids.

All of your advice is very rational -- I am just struggling to maintain rationality right now. I definitely agree about rule-setting and working on the relationship now. I don't have any idea how to come up with an acceptable way to handle visitiations once the baby is born -- it is complicated by the fact that OW lives 3 hours from us, and H travels for a living (he's a pilot), so it will be difficult to schedule visits, and (right now) I am not at all comfortable with him going there alone. On the other hand, I am sure OW wouldn't want me there for visits, and I'd hate to miss time with my own kids while chaperoning H.

I have kept up a great front for the kids -- I am pretty sure they have no idea that we are having such a rough time right now. We are scheduled to go to a Retrouvaille weekend this coming weekend. I am really hoping that we can make some positive strides toward strengthening our relationship -- I am a little afraid that I am putting too many eggs in that basket. I feel that if I can't find a way to forgive him, I really can't work on the relationship. And while I want to believe that he is now committed to our M, I have no idea how to start trusting him or believing him again. Still haven't told my family and have only told 1 friend about our situation, though my mom and dad now know that SOMETHING is up as they are watching the kids while we go to Retrouvaille, and they are aware that it is a program for troubled marriages.

Anyway, I guess I am doing ok on a day-to-day basis, but I still haven't decided what to do in the long run. Also, no bites on the job search front for me, which continues to be discouraging.

Sorry for the long post - it feels good to write things down, though.

Will try to check in on others' situations later today.

Exhausted.

[Sugar and Spice]

Just checking in on you...how are you?

[bluerain]

I think that the best you can do is try to think of this as a child from a previous R. I know that its not, and I cant even imagine how hard this must be for you, but I think that you will have to be careful to not punish this little girl for the terrible things that her parents have done.

I think that you are totally right about him needing to fund custody hearings on his own, but part of me keeps thinking that you are a married couple... shouldnt you be going after this together? Im just not positive either way I guess. I will acknowledge that this is an incredibly hard situation, and I just think that this could be part of your challenge as a couple, maybe it could benefit you to fight for this together, after all, this little baby is part of your husband.

Would it be unnacceptable for her to bring the baby to your house so H could have visitation in the home? I mean she drops the baby off and doesnt stay.