Looking for some ideas/insight - please help.

[Exhausted67]

First-time poster here. Unfortunately, I find myself in the same circumstances as some of you. To make a very long story short -- my H of almost 12 years admitted a few weeks ago that he has been having what he categorizes as an on and off PA with a former co-worker (in another state) for the last 3 years. This has been mostly a cell-phone/text relationship, but it has been physical when they have seen each other. I have suspected this, but he has always denied/had excuses when I have brought up my suspicions in the past.

He finally admitted everything because the OW is pregnant (due in October). He claims that he now realizes that it was all a big mistake and wants to recommit to our marriage. He has told OW that he is not leaving me, but will support the child financially and would like to have some part in its life. I don't know how I am supposed to believe that, though I would like to. I do love him and we have three young children of our own. I know there are a few of you who are in similar situations -- please help. I go from sadness to rage to hopelessness. I don't know how to forgive him, whether to believe him and I don't know how in the world (assuming I stay with him) I am going to live with a constant reminder of his infidelity. There will never be a clean break from this woman.

OW is very angry as she was clearly sure he would leave me given her pregnancy -- my intuition is that she got pregnant purposely to force his hand as he's been stringing her along for years, obviously telling her he was unhappy and was going to leave me, but never actually taking any concrete steps to do so. So far, according to H, it has been radio silence from her since he told her it was over (3 weeks ago).

This is all so fresh and crazy I just don't know where to start trying to get things back on track. I feel like my life is turning into the Maury Povich show. I don't even know who H is -- how could he risk my health, my children's security, everything we'd worked for in our marriage for this woman (who is NOTHING special)? I haven't slept in weeks. Oh, and did I mention that I was laid off of my job at the end of April, so I went from being the primary breadwinner to being dependent on my H's income once the cushion I had runs out (probably by mid to late July).

We are scheduled to go to Retrouvaille at the end of June, but I frankly don't know how I won't go crazy before then. Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks in advance, Exhausted

[MrBond]

I think it goes back to whether or not you really want him. Can you trust him? If he's had the PA for years, it sounds to me like he ran back to you like a dog with its tail between its legs because it was caught doing something naughty.

Are you sure he is willing to really work on the M and not just have another A after things cool off? I worry because you are the main breadwinner and he seems like he doesn't want to give up his security blanket (you). What sacrifices is he willing to make? If he opened his mouth to say he'll take care of the financials of the baby, then he should get a second/third job without burdening you and your kids. What is he willing to do?

[Exhausted67]

Stuck - I guess my problem (or one of my problems) is that I don't know if I want him, because I am not even sure I know who this person is. I don't know if I can trust or forgive. I don't know how to even think about figuring all of this out. I didn't immediately kick him out when he told me all of this because I wanted to think about things before just throwing out 11+ years of marriage and burdening my children with the fall-out of that unless I was sure that there was no chance to work things out. So, now I am just not sure how to evaluate whether or not this can possibly work. You're right - I WAS the primary breadwinner; now that I am laid off, I really don't have much in the way of job prospects, and it could remain that way for a while. Another reason I didn't want to make any hasty decisions that could make an already not-ideal financial situation worse.

I am trying to imagine how I could possibly learn to live with H contributing to the support of another baby and spending time with the child. I don't know that I can ever be comfortable with that - not to mention how humiliating this will be for me when our families find out about it. There are just so many issues, I don't know where to start untangling them. Part of me wonders if it's worth trying to untangle them, but I did commit to at least trying Retrouvaille before making any final decision about what I want to do -- communication style differences were a major contributor to the distance that had developed in our marriage (along with my long work hours and stressful, demanding job).

Sigh. I keep hoping that I will get some clarity, but the more I turn things over in my head, the more confused I am.

[MrBond]

What has he told you he was willing to do? He is the one that needs to do the work not you.

Maybe if you want to at least say that you did everything you can, give it a timeline. Detail specifically what you want to happen within a certain timeframe and see if he will stick by it.

Most importantly, I think you need to talk to a C or a minister/priest to learn forgiveness. that's where it needs to start. IF you can find the strength to forgive him, then you will have the strength to handle any shame or embarassment that you perceive as coming your way.

About him spending time with the OW child. Just remember that the child is innocent and deserves a father as much as your kids do. But do you forgive him enough to allow him to do that and extend that love to that child? You'll need all that strength to live without anger, shame and especially resentment.

[Exhausted67]

Yes, I know that they baby is an innocent party -- that is why I am trying so hard to figure out a way to reconcile H's involvement in its life in the future with our M having a future. I was hoping to get some feedback from any posters here who have been in the position where OW has H's baby but they are still trying to work things out with their H. Just want to know how they are trying to handle the situation.

I have asked him not to have any contact with OW other than relating to the child, and to go to Retrouvaille with me, and then said I'd see where we were after that. He agreed to those points and has stuck to them so far (3 weeks). I am struggling with what he would need to do so that I could believe that he is truly committed to our marriage and won't just change his mind again 6 months from now. I just don't know. Meanwhile, I am tryng to act normal in front of our children when in fact I feel like my life has been yanked out from under me. I would like to talk to someone IRL, but I guess I need to figure out who I'd be comfortable with.

[MrBond]

"I have asked him not to have any contact with OW other than relating to the child, and to go to Retrouvaille with me, and then said I'd see where we were after that."

This is going to be the hard part. Especially if the kid wants to go on a trip with "mom and dad", schooling, etc.

Hugs to you though. You definitely need them.

{{{stuck}}}

[Exhausted67]

Yes, down the road there are all sorts of issues that will have to be dealt with -- again, assuming that I end up staying with H. In my heart, I'd like to make our M work, but I need to figure out how to get through the next few months, until the baby is born, and then with visitation issues when it is just an infant. I also need to figure out what else to ask for -- H says he's committed, but why should I believe that. I thought he was committed before. He has asked me what he needs to do to demonstrate that he loves me, he's sorry and that the A was a huge mistake. I honestly don't know what would convince me and I don't know what "rules" to lay down that are fair both to my family and the innocent baby once it's born.

I know I saw at least one post-er, Sugar and Spice, whose H's OW has had a baby - I was hoping to get some wisdon from her or any others who have been dealing with this situation.

Any further thoughts/help appreciated. Thanks, Exhausted

[blindsided1]

Sorry. I just now read your post. I don't know if you can relate to my sitch. My H left when I was 6 weeks prego with our first child. He moved in with OW right away after only knowing her for a few weeks. He pretty much abandoned me, did everything he could to hurt me, rubbed their R in my face...all while I was pregnant and it was a risky pregnancy to boot. About the time I was giving birth to our daughter, OW got pregnant. I'm sure it was on purpose. She has two other children by a man who would not marry her. I think she got pregnant because she was afraid he would come back to me. I think he would have. But, now they have their family and he has another child to play with like a toy. He pays no CS, sees her once a week and has no contact with us in between. I have not been able to come to terms with the new baby. I know it is not his fault. I am glad that my daughter DOES have a sibling, but it should have been a full sibling and not some kid her dad had with his mistress. But, what's done is done.

I have been able to talk myself into believing that the best thing for me, is to not have H back. I don't think I would ever trust him to be faithful when he went to pick up his son. I know he hasn't been faithful to OW. I know because he was with me in the beginning and still tries to initiate sex. He even tried the night before he flew back to Utah, to go pick her up because she was bleeding and afraid they would lose the baby. His brother has expressed that he didn't think it would have bothered H is they had lost the baby. I honestly don't think my H thought he could get her pregnant. We had a very hard time.

I digress...you have to assess where you are in all this, mentally. You have to be really strong and put up with a lot of sh!t and jealousy and mistrust, if you decide to work on your R. Only you can decide whether it is worth it or not.

I'll keep an eye on you and your sitch. I wish you the best of luck and if you have any questions for me, feel free to come and post on my thread.

This woman will be in your life no matter what you do, whether you take him back or not, she will be part of your life. You just have to decide what part of your life your H is going to be in.

Good luck

[Sugar and Spice]

X67. This is such a hard position to be in. What Blindsided said is SO TRUE!

This woman will be in your life no matter what you do, whether you take him back or not, she will be part of your life. You just have to decide what part of your life your H is going to be in.

You have to decide what you can and can't live with. Set up a full transparency plan with your H and start working on the R NOW. He will need to cut off any contact with her that does not directly relate to the baby and its needs. Any other contact should not be tolerated. Set the stage during pregnancy for what will come afterward. If you want to stay with him then you need to be a team and make all decisions about this child and the extent of your involvement together.

Speaking only for myself here, this will test you everyday and I'm not going to lie and say its easy. Its not, but its not impossible through setting boundaries and making plans. So you can use my sitch as a "How Not-To" manual for that one.

If you don't start trying to heal now and putting some of these things into practice now, when that baby gets here, things that are confused now, will only get more confusing. The stronger the two of you can be together, then the better you will be able to face the challenges ahead.

What does he want to do with regard to this OW and the baby?

[blindsided1]

Just checking on you. Wondering how you are doing. LEt us know.