Where to start?

[dmkdmkdmk]

I've been lurking around here for a few days now, and my id was finally activated! I've been waiting to post to get some input on how to strategize for the next few months...

I'm 28, H is 29 - we've been married 5 years, together for 9 total. We have a 19-month-old daughter, and I'm almost 7 months pregnant with our second daughter. We just sold a house and built a new one within the past year (the move was in January).

Things seemed fine for a while up until a few months ago, H started hanging out with a friend/former coworker (also male) who was going through a breakup (friend also has a toddler girl). They started hanging out more often, talking more often, talking to me less, leaving in the evening to go to the gym (trying to pass army PT tests that he's had difficulty with) or go out as soon as D was in bed.

The more distant he became, the more hysterical and clingy I became (hormones suck!), he became more distant, to the point where there was no physical affection. I couldn't even get him to hold my hand.

Thinking back, the past two years have sucked. I graduated from college at the end of 06, and we decided H would join the National Guard. Found out we were expecting right before he enlisted, he went away to basic for four months, and while he was gone I was independent, surrounded myself with friends and family, and got on just fine on my own for the first time in my life. Around the time he returned/daughter was born, found out my brother had terminal cancer, H started working at a new job with very demanding hours, I had post-partum issues with hormones and stress, and I pretty much had been in a rut for the past two years. Didn't have my wakeup moment until after a hysterical phone call accusing my H of cheating on me (pretty sure this is not happening) that I've been insulating myself and piling everything on him for a long time, and he is probably sick of it.

Tried to be super-wife for two weeks - did him little favors all of the time, bending over backwards to please him and be there for him, but it didn't seem to work. Even though we were friendly there was still no affection.

Monday I finally asked him without histrionics to tell me what was going on. He said he was tired of being married, didn't feel the same way, although he still loved me he just wasn't happy. He is going to get an apartment at the end of the month and we'll get counseling starting in August (he doesn't want to do counseling while staying at home, and he will be out of town on military duty most of July). We'll see how things go from there. First day, I talked and talked and talked, and tried to justify and figure out what was going on in his head.

Yesterday, I decided just to let go for a while (and was reinforced by what I've been reading here). Stop calling him. Keep conversation light. Don't follow him around. Make plans for me. Instead of seeing this as another crappy thing to happen to me, I'm seeing it as one of the best things that could happen to me. Keeping positive, buying things for myself (instead of for him!), made plans to go out with friends on Saturday night, bought a ticket to a concert that's coming next month even though I don't know if anyone will be able to go with me. Trying to do a 180 for myself. I like myself better already! I'm putting on makeup every day now (I would only do it for special occasions before) and getting my hair done tonight.

I'm not afraid of being alone anymore, not afraid of being a single parent. I'd rather not (especially since I'll have a newborn in two months), but nothing I do for him will make him want to stay, so I'm getting to the point where I don't care if he does or not.

Hopefully I've got a good start... if anyone has any input or questions, please post away!

[Ready2Change]

Hi dmk127,

I believe you have a great state of mind. You are very aware that YOU need to make changes. It is very good that you both will be going to counseling! That is huge!

All I can say is keep reading self improvement books and making positive changes for you.....

HUGS

[dmkdmkdmk]

Thanks! I realize I'm a huge part of the problem, my refusal to get a life because I felt guilty not putting H and D first, and then getting mad if H didn't want to spend every free moment with me.

H is probably tired of being "responsible" for me - I think as soon as we were an item I was deferring to him on everything. Now I'm doing things my way, and it feels good.

[eternaloptimist]

Thanks! I realize I'm a huge part of the problem, my refusal to get a life because I felt guilty not putting H and D first, and then getting mad if H didn't want to spend every free moment with me. H is probably tired of being "responsible" for me - I think as soon as we were an item I was deferring to him on everything. Now I'm doing things my way, and it feels good.

Hi - Wow. Sounds like you are doing amazingly well, and 7 months preggers at that! Kuddos to you! I bow in awe before you. You sound so VERY strong and are implementing the DB techniques better than me. I'm terrified of being a single Mom b/c that was not in my life plan. I'm pretty sure this is why I keep backsliding...

I went through 6+ years of intense infertility treatments and was very fortunate to see a world-renowned psychologist who specialized in pregnancy/infertility, so I learned a lot about the biochemistry of pregnancy as a result. It is SO important to stay stress free while pregnant and avoid any negative or traumatic kind of emotions if at all possible. There have been many studies that stress to the Mom equals stress for the baby. Please be gentle and kind to yourself every day. Let everyone else PAMPER YOU, if your H will not. YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED, TAKEN CARE OF AND PAMPERED!!! You are growing another life!!! Focus on staying happy for your baby and other child.

I will say some prayers for you and keep you in my thoughts.

[dmkdmkdmk]

eternaloptimist, thank you!

I'm amazing myself that I can be this strong. I think the thing that is helping me detach is that he will always be the guy who is willing to toss his vows and break up his family because he's not happy. I know he hasn't respected me because of the way I've acted, but at this point I don't respect him either, and the way he is right now is not someone I'd want to be with. So I guess we're in the same boat with each other.

I know that worst-case scenario is we get divorced, but I really don't think that either of us wants that. I think he'll see that the grass is not greener in an empty apartment, where he's completely broke at the end of the month because he's still paying half of our bills and maintaining a separate home for himself, and visiting the two beautiful girls that he absolutely lives for. But I'm not afraid of it anymore, either.

And I'm surrounded by family and friends, I'm resourceful, I know I can do everything on my own because I've had to do everything on my own for almost the past two years!

[eternaloptimist]

eternaloptimist, thank you!

Hugs to You! I need to take a lesson from your book on detachment. I can't seem to do it. Sounds like your H is acting like mine---gotta find some happiness for myself stuff b/c this relationship doesn't make me happy! I don't know about your H, but mine has not had a lot of psychological health for some time. He's never worked on his own issues and so it is easier to blame me for all of his unhappiness.

I guess we both need to keep focusing on the positive things in our life to get through this. So hard to do... Let's makes lists, ok?

So here is my "Grateful List":

Beautiful and healthy son
Husband who still loves me and is living in same house
Huge capacity to love
Desire to be in a loving, committed relationship
Family that loves me
Health (mental and physical)
Desire and ability to have more children
2 master's degrees
Fulfilling career with prestige and good salary
Material comforts
Oh, and I've lost 26 lbs b/c of this!
And two big ones---Faith and Hope

[dmkdmkdmk]

Hugs to You! I need to take a lesson from your book on detachment. I can't seem to do it. Sounds like your H is acting like mine---gotta find some happiness for myself stuff b/c this relationship doesn't make me happy! I don't know about your H, but mine has not had a lot of psychological health for some time. He's never worked on his own issues and so it is easier to blame me for all of his unhappiness.

I guess we both need to keep focusing on the positive things in our life to get through this. So hard to do... Let's makes lists, ok?

So here is my "Grateful List":

Beautiful and healthy son
Husband who still loves me and is living in same house
Huge capacity to love
Desire to be in a loving, committed relationship
Family that loves me
Health (mental and physical)
Desire and ability to have more children
2 master's degrees
Fulfilling career with prestige and good salary
Material comforts
Oh, and I've lost 26 lbs b/c of this!
And two big ones---Faith and Hope

Hey, your list is better than mine!

Beautiful and healthy daughter
Another daughter on the way, who hopefully will be just as healthy (and of course will be beautiful)
Husband loves me (although not being loving) and he's still at home right now
Huge capacity to love
Lots of newfound confidence and self-respect,
Desire to be in a loving, committed relationship with someone who respects me
Family that loves me
Friends that love me
Health (mental and physical)
I only have my BS, but I'm planning on starting working towards an MBA next year
Good job where I get a lot of recognition and praise
Doing great at almost everything I do (that's why I'm so confident right now that this may actually work!)
House that husband will keep paying for even when he moves out
I'm not supposed to be losing weight (OB yelled at me today for losing three pounds since my appointment two weeks ago) but I weigh 20 pounds less than I did when I was at this point with my first daughter, and I weigh less than I did when I graduated from college 2.5 years ago - I've got a good start to getting back in shape when the baby is born in August.
I will have enough extra in my budget to be able to GAL, and treat myself

[dmkdmkdmk]

And I'm finding the more I don't call my husband, the more I don't bug him - the more he talks to me. It's about stuff like the new scope he bought for his rifle, or his trip to the zoo with DD today, or how she's sick, which is pretty much stuff we'd normally talk about... But for a while he wasn't really doing that.

I'm just not going to be hopeful about it. But he keeps talking and talking and talking... But I don't expect anything in just a few days.

I was just told by a coworker that I was glowing, whereas on Monday before we had the conversation where he dropped the bomb on me, another coworker asked if I was sick because I looked so pale. Must be the confidence!

[dmkdmkdmk]

Hugs to You! I need to take a lesson from your book on detachment. I can't seem to do it. Sounds like your H is acting like mine---gotta find some happiness for myself stuff b/c this relationship doesn't make me happy! I don't know about your H, but mine has not had a lot of psychological health for some time. He's never worked on his own issues and so it is easier to blame me for all of his unhappiness.

I think my husband has some issues of his own too, his wanting to separate before counseling is due to his mother (who is crazy) dragging the whole family through therapy time and time again - she would just manipulate the therapists (or they would see they couldn't do anything for her and just take the money). His father told him many times he wished he was dead, and that H should never get married.

I remember one time when my own mother, after she had a hysterectomy (obviously a very hormonally-charged time for her) saying she wished she had died during the surgery, and that was something that scarred me for life - I can't imagine if one of my parents repeatedly said they wished they were dead because of a bad marriage.

[dmkdmkdmk]

I wonder if I'm starting to confuse or otherwise alarm my H with my quick changes... truly, I'm looking at this whole as the best thing that could happen to me, whether or not we end up staying together. I'm finally getting happy with ME! I'm so positive and focused right now (and he seems pretty scattered and I think he's having trouble sleeping on the couch).

The worst thing that has ever happened to me already happened a year ago when my little brother died, I don't think my H flaking on me this way is even going to compare to the emotional toll that took.

I took some time yesterday evening to have my sister cut and color my hair - I NEVER color my hair, so it's something pretty new for me. H said it looked nice when I came home. DD is sick, so he kept calling wanting to know what he should do. Time to figure it out, since he's so ready to be a single dad, right?

I took the day off today to stay home with poor sick DD - she just has a fever virus. I took her to the doc anyway to make sure she didn't have an ear infection. H came home because he had an appointment - instead of going straight to his appointment and back to work he hung out with us for almost 30 minutes. Wanted me to call him with updates, etc.

H was super-late coming home from work because of an entertaining mishap, which he actually talked to me for about 20 minutes about on the phone... I hadn't called him all day except to leave a VM letting him know DD's strep test came back OK. He usually calls when he is leaving work, I didn't call him even after half an hour had passed. When he got home he actually thanked me for making dinner and asked if my OB had yelled at me for losing weight mentioned that we might go out to breakfast the next day we both have off.

The whole not calling thing is getting a lot easier - I used to call him several times throughout the day especially when I took a day off. I also haven't checked his bank account or phone records once since Monday. I've decided I just don't really care... I'd like to think if he was doing something bad, he'd just fess up and tell me, rather than promising to go to counseling and see if we could work this out over the next several months. I'll just let him know when I schedule the counseling appointment, and not talk about marriage stuff until then.

Oh, and I bought a cute dress to wear out with my friends tomorrow night, and some jewelry and new shoes. It all looks cute with my gigantic round belly. I wish I had started doing this (doing more on my own and depending less on H) a long time ago!