I have been posting on the Newcomers section, but I would love to hear some input from WAWs on my sitch. My W told me 5 weeks ago she had been seeing a C and had decided she did not want to be married to me anymore. ILYBNILWY, her emotional gas tank was empty, felt no romantic feelings for me, did not want sex with me or anyone else. I was devastated - did not see it coming.
For the last 4 weeks, have been DB'ing. Initially told W I was making major changes in my life (stopped drinking - don't miss it - have been patient, loving and kind with the kids, and have done weel at maintaining a PMA). She said 4 weeks ago it didn't matter what I changed, her feelings for me would not change, said she was "resolute" in her decision to D, and said the changes were good but would benefit "the next person." She also said she had had bad years with our R - but admits she never told me.
For the past 4 weeks, I have not pursued her. I have been pleasant and helpful (still live in same house). She has, likewise, been pleasant and courteous towards me. At times, W seems interested to talk and joke with me, makes eye contact with me, especially if the kids do something funny. W has not brought up D, selling house or anything about our R. I know it has only been 4 weeks, but I am hoping I am getting through and melting her attitude at least somewhat.
Although anything is possible, I see no signs of an affair - EA or PA. She denied any affair on the night she dropped the bomb on me.
She is in early menopause and has been a SAHM the last 1.5 yrs - which is not her personality - she really enjoys working and derives a lot (too much?) of her self worth from her job. She recently went back to work.
W may also be in MLC.
Any thoughts? Too early to expect any feedback from her? Thanks.
This morning, W seemed upbeat and happy to talk to me. When it came time for me to leave for work (She was waiting on our sitter to arrive before she could leave for a business mtg), I asked if I could stay for the sitter so she could leave early for her meeting. She said no, she had it. So, I told her I hoped she had a good day, she said you too, and I left.
Pretty typical morning. While she seems happy in a friendly sort of way to talk to me, it is clear she is not letting down her "wall" and showing any emotion towards me. Is this typical in a WAW? Is she watching me? Are any of my changes setting in with her?
First thing is first: GAL and cherish your S9 and D5. They need you more than anything right now. Take complete care of yourself. Remember the good times you had with the W. They are there somewhere deep down inside both of you.
Have faith that you can do this. Reach down deep inside and find your inner self again. You have to understand and accept that you are at least 50% responsible for the state of affairs your marriage is in right this second. I know that this is hard. Real hard. All of us on this board are living what you are going through. We are here to support you. You are not alone.
Change yourself. And I mean real change. Basic changes: Get a haircut, buy yourself some new clothes, grow a beard, whatever. Exercise and start eating right. Get healthy: Physically and Spiritually. Take up a class. Learn a new hobby or pick up an old one. Reconnect with your friends.
Reconnect with your family members if you have lost touch. You need to find yourself again. I’m willing to bet, you lost yourself somewhere and then you lost touch with your mate and then your relationship.
Do 180’s and you will find your inner core. It is important that you change for you, not for your spouse. Be happy. If you have to fake it at first, do it. You will find joy soon. Act AS IF. Do not show anger to your spouse. Agree with her viewpoints. It takes two to divorce. If there is agreement then there is no argument.
Learn to be friends again with your spouse. Try to reconnect. Remember the person you were when you fell in love. Remember the activities you did when you first fell in love and in good times with the relationship. That is what you need to concentrate on with your spouse. This is probably the first thing you lost.
Do not fear. Let go of your fear. Accept your faults and your spouses and just learn to love again. Remember we chose to become married to this person. Remember your vows. In sickness and in health.
You must lead. Your family needs leadership at this moment. Remember to Love your neighbor as yourself. Patience is the key. Patience, Patience, Patience. Stay focused. There is light at the end of this tunnel.
Thanks jdopp. I have read DR and DB and am re-reading DR. Have been DBing the last 4 weeks. Big changes: stopped drinking - never felt better - started exercising again (running and lifting wts), dropped 20 lbs so far, eating healthy, reconnected with God, and stopped pursuing. All my changes are for ME, not W. My goal this week is to be more upbeat with W. She is still pleasant to me, but it is clear to me right now she has no desire to reconnect with me as her husband.
Gonna have some difficukty with the friend part if she walks out. But, I will do anything to help my kids.
Still not at the stage where I think I can ask her out (movies/dinner). Think until I have more time under my belt showing her changes, this would be a bad idea. Going to take the kids for a hike this weekend (something I never did before - 180) and may, at the last minute, tell her she is welcome to join us - she probably won't.
Just trying to keep the faith that some of my changes, any of them, are getting through.
Have you seen any improvement or attempts to reconnect at all?
My bomb was dropped 4/3. It wasn't really until a week ago that I actually started seeing changes within myself. I felt like before that I was just trying to change for her and to get her back.
What do you say when she asks you how your day is? From what I just read. It's good to include her in some of the little wins that you had at work or that you had a great day. She wants to hear strength.
What is your philosophy? Dang my laptop is about to run out of battery. Left the cord at the office.
hi givingitmyall. Seems like small communication has gradually come back between me and my wife. I would call it friend communication. However, this is what I lacked for the last few years. When she asks me how my day went. I give her details. I find a couple of good things to talk about that happened to me throughout the day. If you had a lack of communication (about your day to day events, Not R) then you might give that a whirl. Small talk, not necessarily talk about R.
