I'm in the same boat. My H sleeps in his studio outback. My H isn't so direct but the outcome is the same. No intimacy and no sex. I am very sad about this and am torn by my need for sex(intimacy) vs. my tenacity for hanging in there.
We just went to a weekend for severely damaged marriages. You can read about it on my thread: "Post Retrouvaille" in this forum.
You might be interested in attending. I think a lot of times for women at least, their sexual life is so tied in with their emotional life. The weekend is very good for helping to process feelings.
Maybe she is experiencing extreme guilt or shame. That could make it hard to be vulnerable with you sexually as well...
I gotta run right now but will try to finish my post later...
Hey LAN, never posted to you but your title caught my attention! An old rule: it takes as long as it takes. Try not to put any time limit on it or you will give up.
The final decision is yours. Only you know how long you can last and when to give up! But it does take a while.
First time posting to you LAN, you sound like you have really been on a ride. Sounds like your w has not gotten over the guilt part of an a,if she says no divorce unless you have to, that is a very big plus for you. Healing can't have a time limit, it could take a long time. We all wnat it fixed now, but I am learning that it does not work that way. Keep working on you in the meantime, our lives go on, even with the crap we are handed we have the choice how to deal with it. Sue
I will check that book out to see what I can get from it. In term of low libido I’m not sure if it is the main factor or not. I may as well be one of them, but I think it might have been the emotional detachment from her part that drove her feeling about lack of sex. I did mention about seeing the doctor related to this issue, but I didn’t think she heard me at all.
Here are the answers to some of your questions. The PA ended 2 years and 5 months ago and the EA continued for about 6 months through phone calls after ending the PA and finally ended 23 months ago after quitting her job (they worked together).
Lily, I have allowed her the time she needed to process through this “grieving” period ever since. I know that everybody has his/her own way and/or at his/her own pace of processing it. Like I said in the title of this post it seemed to take my wife forever to move forward if she is moving at all. Sometimes I don’t understand why she decided to stay but didn’t want anything to do with me as a husband and a wife.
We have been married for more than 16 years and according to this formula it was way passed that. The thing is she is happy with the way it is right now. That is being here together raising our two kids as a roommate. Like I said earlier she doesn’t want anything to do with sex any more. She said she can live WITHOUT it so I should learn how to live without it too. That’s how she sees it, period. She said if I want to hug her and kiss her (not passionately) she doesn’t have any problem with it, but when it comes to having sex, she doesn’t want any, end of the story.
Thank you rayanne for the hug. I hope I don’t have to live that way for the rest of my life and my wife knows that too. I think, even though she hasn’t said it out loud, that after the kids grow up and move out she would leave me so that I find someone who would want to be with me.
Thank you Kansha for sharing your insight. Maybe that’s what I need to do or what we need to do. Yes, indeed, my wife DID feel that way about relating her sexual life with her emotional life. Because of that I have been trying to connect with her emotionally. I thought we were making some progresses in that area and felt that physically it would be OK for the two of us as well after more than 2.5 years without sex. We had sex for the first time in 2.5 years a couple months ago and I thought that was the beginning of our sex life. But I was wrong about it when I asked her again about having sex last week and she said no. She then told me that the reason she went ahead with it last time was because I have been “nagging” her about it even though she told me she didn’t want to have sex any more.
Stephanep for dropping by. I understand that this thing takes time and after almost 3 years since d-day and almost 2 years since they last contacted I thought that thing should get going toward recovery sooner than that. But like I said it was too slow that I have not seen anything moving at all. I don’t want to get stuck in this cycle and only get deeper into the valley and couldn’t find our way out of it. To her, this is what she wants and she gets it. That is just being here together as roommate raising our two kids.
LAN - I seem to recall in one of the later chapters of "Passionate Marriage" the author talking about a couple whose situation was practically the same as yours. I'll see if I can find the appropriate section (page numbers) for you either today or tomorrow. But one of the things that the author brings out is the process of "differentiation" - something that I believe Lily has touched on in her threads. You have choices that you can make as well, LAN. Perhaps W has to face the real prospect of losing you and seeing the family unit break up before she "wakes up." But there can be no turning back if you decide on taking that course of action and she does not respond.
I wonder sometimes if my M is fated to go that route. I guess that it really depends on your resolve and how strong your desire to have a full marriage with your W is. Everyone is entitled to a marriage that is full of hope, optimism, passion and unconditional love. I wish that I could offer you something concrete to act on - just be the best father that you can be for your kids and demonstrate to your W that you're perfectly capable of thriving without her.
All, I am kinda in the same boat right now. I have been back at home for about 6 weeks now and I have totally thrown myself into being the best father and husband I could be. I want to be that husband that my wifes friends say,"Dam your lucky to have that man." I cook dinner every night, candle light dinner once or twice a week, clean, I literally am doing everything in the house. Not that I am resentful of that, because I truely love doing what I am doing. This is me, I am giving everything and always will.
The problem is, I don't feel like I am getting the same in return. A couple things come to mind. First, all of a sudden her friends, that were never that close, are now all of a sudden a huge priority, and I feel like I am not. She is so worried about letting them down and not fulfilling commitments to them that she is letting her commitment to myself, our daughter, and our family slip.
I am holding out, holding out hope that her guilt and depression will subside and I can have my wife back.
Keep your head high and give all you can. If it doesn't work out you can leave with a clear conscience.
LAN - Took a look through "Passionate Marriage" this morning and I think Chapter 11 is the one that had the sitch that seems so similar to yours (and mine).
TheMZA - Glad to see you drop in. I am guessing that all of your house involvement is a 180 for you. In my case, I've been doing that stuff for years but going a 180 would be detrimental to my kids so that's out. What has helped me is to keep a "zero expectations" attitude towards W - that I (or our marriage) may never be a priority with her. But that is solely her loss and her problem. Love that D of yours with all of your heart but never use D to get at W. And feel free to hang out with us in the Piecing board...
Thank you all for your insight. Sorry for the late reply. I have been busy at work and at home.
hoping, Thank you for stopping by. I’m not so sure if my wife has really gotten over the guilt part of her affair or not. She might be feeling guilty about it or she might not be at all. All I know is that she doesn’t want to hear about it ever. But at the same time she doesn’t want to work on the marriage either (based on my gut feeling).
Like you said there is no time limit on this and it could take a very long time. I understand that. But, I know it shouldn’t be a “but”, but the thing is I’m afraid that my love for my wife is slowly diminishing as a day goes by. Maybe that is what my wife wants so that she won’t be feeling guilty about it because it’s over for our love and relationship.
ANewBob, Thank you for the information. I got the book last week and I have been reading some of the chapters lately. I have not finished the book yet. I hope to learn something from it and see where I can apply to my situation.
I thought about what you said here too that my wife might not “wake up” until she realizes that she is losing me. I hope I don’t have to get to that but I still keep that in mind. Lately I have been thinking toward that option and understand that there is no turning back I choose to do that if my wife doesn’t respond.
TheMZA, I know how you feel. Me too, I have been doing what you have described here, but felt that there wasn’t much in return, but like they said if you are willing to give you shouldn’t expect anything in return. It is hard to accept that when there are two people in the relationship. Yes, one can work on the marriage alone for the time being, but in the end two have to work together to reach that goal of happy marriage.
Again thank you for dropping by.
LAN
PS. I wish I could say that I’m doing fine but in reality I still have my up and down. Lately I have been thinking about giving up my marriage entirely. Like I said I’m still LonelyAtNight.
