Sorry to post so much today... Not doing too well since I learned of H's EA two weeks ago.
Question to ponder---How can you heal from infidelity when your spouse vacillates about whether to rebuild or divorce? This is the pergatory I'm stuck in right now.
Me 39, H 41 M 17, T 21 Son, 4 Bomb 2.09, Two EAs Separated 8.4.09 My Long Story and First Postings
How can you heal from infidelity when your spouse vacillates about whether to rebuild or divorce? This is the pergatory I'm stuck in right now.
Emotional detachment is necessary. At a certain point your spouse has to either take responsibility for the M to heart, or not. It is intensely difficult for the betrayed spouse to watch the roller coaster of emotions the wayward spouse experiences as they pine over their lost lover. But it is a part of the process, so taking a step back, recognizing it, and focusing on your end goal is what you hope for.
Regardless of whether they want the M or not - they need to cut off contact completely from the lover so that they can let the fog clear.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
How can you heal from infidelity when your spouse vacillates about whether to rebuild or divorce? This is the pergatory I'm stuck in right now.
Emotional detachment is necessary. At a certain point your spouse has to either take responsibility for the M to heart, or not. It is intensely difficult for the betrayed spouse to watch the roller coaster of emotions the wayward spouse experiences as they pine over their lost lover. But it is a part of the process, so taking a step back, recognizing it, and focusing on your end goal is what you hope for.
Regardless of whether they want the M or not - they need to cut off contact completely from the lover so that they can let the fog clear.
In my case, there was no sex. It was all EA or that is what my H wants me to believe. His therapist was definitely trying to have an affair with him though. I have the evidence in an email. I already confronted her and, of course, she denies anything more than a friendship too.
All contact has been severed and he is now more remorseful than he was 2 weeks ago.
How do you emotionally detach?
Last edited by eternaloptimist; 06/02/0904:32 PM.
Me 39, H 41 M 17, T 21 Son, 4 Bomb 2.09, Two EAs Separated 8.4.09 My Long Story and First Postings
It isn't easy... for me (and others like Puppy) it was a lot easier when the WS basically acted arrogant/entitled toward us in their conduct of the A. Generally, a WS will react extremely defensively, lie, i.e. gaslight, and will basically try to make you feel as though you are at fault.
Taking responsibility for your part in the M breakdown does not mean that you take responsibility for your spouse's decision to conduct an A. Basically - you need to create distance between yourself and your spouse emotionally so that you can view their actions dispassionately as possible.
Easier said than done - but basically the trick is learning to respect yourself and identifying what you will and will not tolerate - as well as understanding what you deserve from your spouse.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
Hi - Thanks for reaching out. Still kind of a mess but taking some L-Theanine for the anxiety. I'm more comfortable with taking that than an AD b/c it is only one thing (amino acid) rather than a manufacturer, complex drug. KWIM?
Going to close this thread and post to just one. Sorry to be all over the place!
Me 39, H 41 M 17, T 21 Son, 4 Bomb 2.09, Two EAs Separated 8.4.09 My Long Story and First Postings
