Screwed up-back to square one

[2inlimbo]

I started doing a 180 in April. H moved back into the bedroom but still no sex. But we were making a LOT of progress- nice talks, quality time, making plans. Then this weekend I got upset that he went to the baseball game with a female coworker. 4 coworkers share 2 baseball tix, so it's sort of random who ends up at each game. It's just he's good freinds with her and it makes me jealous, so I moped around and sulked all day before he went to the game. Then I was stupid enough this am to express how hard it is for me when he goes out with her. (He's assured me there's no A, and I believe him, but when he's out having fun with her, and I'm home sweeping up the kitchen, it's hard not to get jealous.

I need to keep a PMA, act as if he will tell me he loves me in am, lose more weight (down 14#) and keep exercising. Spend more time with the kids, make plans with friends, pray, pray, pray. STOP talking about the R, ask him lots of questions and LISTEN, affirm him and compliment him when the occassion arises.

[The Wifey]

2inlimbo,

Don't get too hard on yourself. Even the strongest DB'er has a rough day. And, there isn't a perfect game plan. It will get better as time goes on.

Yes to PMA, yes to act as if, but with less focus on him, what he will do or say. Only ask questions when he appears to want to communicate, otherwise give him space.

Take it day by day. The only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time.

[2inlimbo]

Yeah, I'm just angry that I fell back for one day and H is instantly back on the divorce track. He said today he wants space and is contemplating everything. A week ago he had said he loved me, and now is back to the divorce threats. I just can't get off this emotional roller coaster.

I have no appetite. I am just trying to get through this day.

[The Wifey]

I used to have to look at the clock and make myself eat. Right now I hover around 104 pounds and I have my appetite back.

Every time you slide you will be showing him he is right. Every time you hold it together he will question himself, which will make him uncomfortable, which will make him push your buttons; what happens then depends on how you react.

Plan canned responses, like I'm sorry you feel that way, I can see how you might think/feel that way. It isn't agreeing with his perspective, only that you can see his POV.

And oh please, a little bit of pouting is not the reason he is acting like that. It is the ID - 10 - T error is all. (Take out the dashes and you will see what I mean.)

He drank the same water as the other WA's and he is reading from the same script. It IS NOT all you.

[Ready2Change]

Hi Sweetie,

Day by day, Hour by hour, minute by minute when needed......

We all backslide, stand back up, dust yourself off and keep heading toward your goal.

Just have faith in the process. Work on you. It is very important to get sleep, eat healthy and exercise during this difficult time. Give him the space he is asking for and do things that make YOU happy. Pedicured, manicures,massages,facials all feel wonderful.....

HUGS

[2inlimbo]

Thanks for the motivational messages. Going out for a run as we speak!

[The Wifey]

I hope that run gave you a surge of goodness. Hugs.

[2inlimbo]

Well, since my last post my H has told me he wants me to act happy all the time. He said if I'm having a bad day to "go tell a friend, not me." He wants me to make him feel like he's #1 in my life. When I ask him how I can do that, he says "You've know me for 12 years. You should know." He said he is deciding whether or not to move out. States moving out doesn't mean we will divorce. But what else would it mean? How can you continue to give someone a chance to change when you distance yourself from them?

I'm getting worn down from the threats of leaving. With DB,I'm doing well, trying to be upbeat, look attractive, appear confident. When I try to act mysterious or not pursue, he actually takes that as a sign that I don't care. So I'm trying to be more communicative.

Any advice on how to deal with threats of moving out? If he does leave, any hopes of reconciliation after separation?

[Gypsy]

2inlimbo..

Talking to a DB coach is a way of getting good suggestions and an incredibly positive go forward feelings.

A lasting commitment is not based on threats.
A lasting commitment entails each other being emotional confidants.
A lasting commitment is not based on fear.
A lasting commitment is not based on being told what to do.

Somewhere along the line, you find you.

You are responsible for your personal happiness.
Your spouse is responsible for his.

What do you need for a lasting commitment? You are worth it.

Be true to the good in you, to what is best about you. Be healthy in mind, body and spirit. The rest will follow.

*hugs*

[2inlimbo]

Gypsy, In line with what you said above, I told my H last night that I was sick of the threats and if he wanted to leave, he should leave. He seemed relieved and said he's leaving Sunday. OK with me, maybe if he sees grass isn't greener on the other side it will help our R.