How Do You Forgive?

[eternaloptimist]

Working on forgiveness when I just found out two weeks ago about H's "emotional affair" with his therapist. How do you do it? H basically wants me to be OVER it already in order to move forward with any hope for anything to recover. He gets mad and says that I will never let him forget it, so he says why bother working on the marriage? Is this HIS guilt talking to me?

Both deny it was anything more than a friendship but therapist professed WAY too many feelings for my H in an email, so I think she was basically targeting him for the affair.

Any advice on how to quickly move past this? I don't think there was any sex involved. But there have been so many lies upon lies. When I discovered their inappropriate relationship, he even tried to cover up the "friendship" by telling more lies because he's supposedly afraid that his therapist would lose her job.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Are you sure it's over?

There is no "quickly" getting over it. Both the affair itself, and the marital conditions which led to him being open to it, will need to be addressed. I would suggest a good marriage counselor, who specializes in cases of infidelity.

Puppy

[karen43]

When I discovered their inappropriate relationship, he even tried to cover up the "friendship" by telling more lies because he's supposedly afraid that his therapist would lose her job.

And I think she needs to lose her job. Isn't a therapist having an affair with a client, like a teacher/student or doctor/patient--100% inappropriate???

[FightingFit]

.......

eternal do you have this email?

I think, really, if its as inappropriate as you say it is, you need to report her to the board, im sure theres SOME authority you can do this to, and you must show them this email as a basis for your complaint...

thats horrible, bc its wrong and unprofessional... she does deserve to answer for that ...

is she a psychologist? then look up psychologists in your state look for the board or authority in your state... get some advice for how to lodge a formal complaint.

[eternaloptimist]

Are you sure it's over?

There is no "quickly" getting over it. Both the affair itself, and the marital conditions which led to him being open to it, will need to be addressed. I would suggest a good marriage counselor, who specializes in cases of infidelity.

Puppy

Hi, Puppy. Thanks for your post. H says that he has no more contact with her and that he never wanted to have an affair with her. He said he didn't do anything more than shake her hand. Whenever I question him about it, he gets so angry and says, "You are never going to forgive me. I didn't have sex with her, I didn't want to, why won't you let this go?" He wants me to destroy the emails so we can put it behind us. How do I know it is over? I can't trust him and I don't want to hire a PI.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

The problem you have is, that if it IS over, he's going to say it's over.

And if it's NOT over, he's going to say it's over. All cheaters lie -- PERIOD.

There are things you can do that are much more affordable than a PI. Have you considered putting a keylogger on his computer?

If I'm reading you right, you WOULD have the ability to forgive and "let go" if you KNEW it was over, right?

Puppy

[eternaloptimist]

And I think she needs to lose her job. Isn't a therapist having an affair with a client, like a teacher/student or doctor/patient--100% inappropriate???

I totally agree with you. She broke several professional ethis for the social work profession. But H says that will lead to no good b/c he'll get dragged into it somehow. H says that if I report her, we are done. H was the one who "started" it by asking her to keep in contact, setting up a private gmail account to secretly communicate with her. He feels guilty even though he is adamant that it was just a friendship, not even an EA. But, it was the therapist's JOB to keep those boundaries. They both knew it was wrong b/c H had a "dream" that she was going to get into trouble over it. That was even in her email to him. Just last night again he denied any physical contact with her other than a handshake. I confronted her in public and she said it was just a friendship too. What a slap in the face to me. A woman who is married doesn't write an email to a former client saying that "you are a gift and I'm so glad that you came into my life. I feel happier, lighter, and brighter when I'm with you. My heart aches when I'm not with you." Blah, blah, blah.

I'm in such agony. I wonder if the client's name has to be kept confidential though in any investigation. If so, H might not have any backlash.

[eternaloptimist]

The problem you have is, that if it IS over, he's going to say it's over. And if it's NOT over, he's going to say it's over. All cheaters lie -- PERIOD.

There are things you can do that are much more affordable than a PI. Have you considered putting a keylogger on his computer?

If I'm reading you right, you WOULD have the ability to forgive and "let go" if you KNEW it was over, right?

Puppy

Hi, Puppy. Ah, yes, the marvels of IT. I downloaded software that captures everything. That is how I found out about this person to begin with. That is how I found out that my H set up a private gmail account to communicate with her. I trapped her into emailing me b/c I set up a gmail account that was only one-letter off from the one my H set up and bingo---she emailed me. That is how I saw the professions of her feelings! Pretty slick of me, no? I should have waited though to see his reply to her b/c I'll never know what he might have said. He said he was "just as shocked" to see her gush out these feelings. Lie? Or am I too gullible?

But, now he's on to me. I only admitted to having keylogger software not screen captures. He never checks his work email at home now, so he could still be communicating with her by phone or email at work, or even seeing her during the day. They work in the same town and just both ran in a marathon. That is when I confronted her. It was pretty ugly.

He has said he will have NO MORE contact with her. He threw out her business card (or so I thought) that was in his wallet and I know that he deleted the gmail account that he created b/c I had to help him do that. Wish I could get into his office to search his computer... All of this is making me crazy!

Last week, he accused me of tapping his phone conversations b/c of some software on our computer. I didn't install anything but he accused me anyway. I said that it hurt b/c I had only been monitoring the computer not his phone. That was a big blow out fight. Is this a sign that he might still be hiding something?

[eternaloptimist]

.......

eternal do you have this email?

I think, really, if its as inappropriate as you say it is, you need to report her to the board, im sure theres SOME authority you can do this to, and you must show them this email as a basis for your complaint...

thats horrible, bc its wrong and unprofessional... she does deserve to answer for that ...

is she a psychologist? then look up psychologists in your state look for the board or authority in your state... get some advice for how to lodge a formal complaint.

Yep, I still have copies of the email. The thing is, H says it needs to be destroyed or we can't move forward and there is no reason to work on anything. He doesn't even want to talk about this in MC for fear his therapist will get into trouble. Does this possibly mean that he might still be in contact with her?

[saffie]

Personally, I think people who are on the defensive like that have something to hide.

When my H came clean and wanted to work on things he became 100% transparent and has remained that way. He has never asked me to destroy communications to do with the A and he was 100% helpful....in no way aggressive.

If you H wants to work on you and your M then why should he care what happens to the therapist? It's you he should be worried about. If he and the therapist did nothing wrong then why hide any of it and not discuss it?