Had my IC today. I told him about the developments from the past 2 weeks and about W having second thoughts about everything. He cautioned me on everything and asked me if I knew why she felt that way. What had changed? I told him I had wondered that too but hadn't asked. He suggested I ask her and judge her response. So I did. She said she came to the realization that her priorities in life had gotten all screwed up. She had lost track of her dreams and what really mattered in her life. That her dreams now are to raise a family with me, to love me and treat me like I should be treated, to grow old with me, to be a great mom for D3. She said she got all wrapped in her new career and all the new people she was meeting that she lost focus on what really mattered to her. She said they were all fun and exciting but when she really thought about the best times she had were when she was with D3 and I. Hanging out, laughing, talking, and playing. She said the more time we spent together lately the more she realized that that was the time she craved. I asked her about the not in love with me and not attracted to me thing from the first session. She said that she has always loved me....that she tried to convince herself that she didn't but she never could. She said that she had thought that there was only that new love kind of attraction and that was all she knew. She said she has realized that there is more than that. That she is attracted to me but it's different because it's not the same as the new love but a more comfortable one. She said she is trying to learn how to grow that attraction and how to respond to it. She said it's really weird for her because she has never felt it before and it's like learning something all new. She also said that she doesn't know exactly how this all hit her. She said it was a shock to her that she started feeling this way and is why she is a little hesitant to just go full bore into working on us right now because it's so weird and shocking that she suddenly feels this way that she wants to make sure it's real. She wants to understand it more. I relayed this information to my IC and he said his take on it was that it was a good answer. That it was very thoughtful and very real and definitely a good place to start to move forward from. I thought the same thing. I honestly expected her to say I don't know or just give me some half baked answer and was generally shocked but the thought and emotion in it. She seems to be very genuinely thinking this through and really trying to work on this.
Thanks guys. Burt, I am definitely going to continue to work on myself and work through the issues that I had/have. I am pretty cautious about this and no matter what I don't want to fall back into prior co-dependent behavior patterns. I still plan to go to IC as well as MC to work through my own issues as we work through our joint problems and W will do the same. Thanks Puppy. I know I'm no where near out of the woods yet but I really have to thank you and everyone else for helping me get to the point I'm at now.
Time for an update. W and D3 were in NH for 5 days over the 4th of July. I stayed back at home and took care of some stuff around here. During the reconciliation talks we've had we decided that we both really want to move back to the east coast next year to get closer to family and to give us a fresh start. Granted, we have a lot to work on before that happens. We need to work on our R a lot. Have to do some work on the condo to rent it out when we leave. Would just sell it but with the way housing prices have dropped we would take too much of a hit on the price so we will rent it out until the economy rebounds some. W called me every day while she was gone to catch up and just talk. She said she really wished I would have been able to make the trip. She told her family that we were going to try to work things out. That was a huge step for her and her family was brought to tears with that news. W and D3 got back on the 6th. Things have been good since they have returned. W is becoming more affectionate around me. She has started kissing me when she leaves for work, comes home from work, and just randomly sometimes. We are able to laugh and joke around with each other more now. We still need to figure out counseling for ourselves. Today we got the paperwork back from the mediator that we went to for legal separation. W took it and put it away. She doesn't have any plans to file it. So all in all, things are pretty ok. I still have questions and she answers them when I ask. I still have trust issues with her and she understands it and helps me to get through them. She still has some issues with how she has done a complete 180 on what she wanted and figuring all that out. So yeah, we have a lot to work on but we are starting to deal with it. Hopefully W will continue to really try and reconcile. I'm still taking things slow and am still guarded. I think it will take awhile for me to come out of that and will take a lot more action on the part of W to make me feel comfortable enough to put myself completely out there. It will come though....it will come.
Ok, time for an update. Things with W and I are still pretty good. She is still convinced we will work things out and is starting to open up even more to me and answer questions I have about OM and the A they had. I can tell its hard for her to do it but she is and it helps to get the truth instead of what I imagined would have happened. Hurts to hear but I need to to start getting past it. We still haven't went to MC together but we are still going to IC separately. W continues to show more affection by the day which is nice. She has started telling me ILY...which was one of my goals. We are actively making plans to move to the east coast next year and are planning and budgeting everything together. Kinda weird how the roles have reversed some for us. After the bomb I went into pursue mode and was asking questions about us and our future...now she asks me questions about "we're gonna make it right?" and other things along those lines. So even though I'm approaching this cautiously and somewhat guarded I'm being drawn more and more to her and we are getting closer and closer. This D isn't busted yet but I think we are off to a good start. So, OM cannot apparently get the hint that it's over between them and is still trying to win her back. She's been ignoring him and has told him it's over repeatedly (a couple of times with me sitting next to her). She hasn't really given him a reason and she has said she shouldn't have to that it's really none of his business now what she is doing but lately he's been texting her and throwing stuff back in her face from when they were together so today she told him that we were back together and that he should respect that and leave her alone. I can't wait to see how that goes over. I offered to go 'talk' to him about it but she really doesn't want me to do that. Other than that I've had a pretty busy couple of weeks at work. I've moved into a new group and have architectural overview of 8 different products now instead of just 1 so I've been putting in some pretty long hours trying to come up to speed. It's a lot of work and more pressure but on the good side my new boss says I can telecommute full time if I want and still work for him when we move back east from our house so that is one less thing to worry about in the move. Things are looking up.....
Glad to hear things are going so well for you! I can see she's really trying, and that's good. When she says things like "We're going to make it, right?" try to give her some reassurance, without over-promising. Something like "If the two of us work at it, and don't take each other for granted, I see no reason why we can't!"
I'm concerned that she's still getting text messages from OM. WHY HASN'T SHE CHANGED HER CELLPHONE??? If you've read anything on here from AWAWs and FWAWs, they will tell you how long the OM withdrawal takes (6 months, give or take). If they get contact during this time -- even NEGATIVE contact -- it can set the withdrawal "clock" back to 0:00. You're playing with fire here!
She's trying to give up a drug, and her "pusher" is texting her all the time!
