Things were a little stressed around W and I today. I guess that's to be expected considering the confessions from yesterday. W had sent me a text late last night asking me if I hated her for what she had told me and I told her no, that my feelings for her were still the same as before and she knows what they are. Today she seemed to be on eggshells a little around me and constantly asking me how I was. I told her that while what she told me hurt some I was working through it and that I was ok. She asked me if my plans changed to let her know ( I guess this is around wanting to work things out with her ) and I told her I would but I didn't see that happening. She left for work a couple of hours ago and just called me on her first break to let me know how work was going and see how I was doing and how D3 was and just to chat some. I'm trying to stay positive on this and to be as positive as possible around W. Little hard but I think I'm handling it pretty well and doing a good job with this.
I find myself kinda anxious today concerning the W and our sitch. Before I was pretty detached from it but now that W has been warming up to me and seems to be having second thoughts it's like I'm being sucked back in and I'm dwelling on things more. Is this a natural thing? I'm trying to take my mind off of it but I'm having a hard time concentrating. Tomorrow should be better as I have plans for most of the day but I just wonder if I'm going to start getting that limbo feeling again.
So had a pretty good weekend. Saturday was good. Woke up and hung out with W and D3 playing with legos until W had to go to work. Then D3 and I went to a party at a friend of mine's house. It was cool. Lots of kids for D3 to play with. Adults were having a few adult beverages and playing horseshoes and such...generally BSing off and BBQing. It was a great day. Got home and crashed out when I went to put D3 down. Sunday W had the day off and I cleaned out the garage some (been meaning to do that for awhile) and pressure washed the decks. Played with D3 and W some in between things and then had taco night....I love taco night. After that we put D3 down and W asked me if i wanted to hang out and watch a movie with her. I said that would be cool so we did. Pretty nice relaxing time. After the movie we were just hanging out on the deck for a few and W asks me why I'm willing to give her a second chance. I just told her you know my feelings for you and I think with some time and work we can have a great marriage. That in a lot of ways i still see her as my best friend and that's who i want to spend my life with. She said she really wants to try....she feels more strongly about that than she has since this started...and that she is scared that if we do try as we work through it I'll hate her. Or that 5 or 10 years down the road we end up back at this place again. I told her I didn't really see the hate her thing as happening. If it hasn't happened yet..... As for the 5 or 10 years down the road thing...I told her that thought had crossed my mind and that I understood what she was saying. I said that was a real fear but i wasn't going to let fear run my life. That I thought we could make it a lot better than before and neither one of us would ever need to stray. I then kinda flipped the coin a little on her and said yeah, 5 years down the road we could be in the same spot again or 40 years down the road we may look back on this as just a distant memory. Then she said that she thought i deserved better than her and some stuff like that and i just said that I didn't see it that way and it was really my decision who or what I deserved. I think that is such a crappy statement....you deserve better. bleh! So things have been pretty good between us for the last week or so. She has spent a lot of time with me since she said she thought she was making a mistake. She's came home every night. She hugs me all the time. she is real touchy feely around me and rubs against me when she passes by me all the time. No ILYs or intimacy but it feels like we are very slowly and cautiously feeling each other out. Which is good because I don't want to rush into anything. She is leaving on Thurs. to go back east to her family reunion with D3 and doesn't want to really discuss separating/reconciling until she gets back. She did say she is sad i'm not going back with her too over the weekend. But I think it will be good for her to get away without me there. It should give her some more time to think things through. For now though, things seem to be astronomically better than they were a month ago.
Glad to see your sitch seems to have improved so much in the last few weeks!
I have a question for you regarding when she started to change direction. Since my H saying he was sure our relationship was over a few weeks ago and wanting to separate our finances etc, (basically separation), he has become much more relaxed, considerate around the house, spending much more time all day, being in contact more but still seems of the opinion we are on the fast track to separation. I am having trouble working out if he is happier to be getting what he wants (there does not appear to be anyone else involved) and it is a trying to ease me into the separation or if he is still actually considering if he is in or out of our relationship as he has trouble making decesions at the best of times.
Every time I get 100% comfortable with my choice to let go and accept my position, he throws these little hooks in (over the weekend it was under his breath, oh I am so confused I have no idea where I will be living by xmas). I do not let him see I am thrown by these comments but we do spend good time together in our house watching movies etc as well (we have little kids too), and its just so confusing sometimes to know if I am ignoring attempts by him to reconnect or he is just being nice to me.
Any comments on this? How did you work out the difference?
Great job DC, just keep on keeping on, and I think your MC will help a great deal. That BS about you deserve better, I got that also, and sometimes the MC can reaffirm that it is not her decision of who he chooses to have a relationship with.
I think you have to look at the actions your H is doing and not any words or attitude. For my sitch, once we had the mediation and everything was out there that would be done in the separation it seemed to relax the situation since there was no unknown out there any longer. I think that helped W to focus on something else and it appears that is our relationship. Also, I think that in my sitch since everything was coming to an end really fast W had to suddenly really think about what she was doing. I had stopped all pursuit and was on board for the separation. I had totally stopped focusing on her and just focused on myself and D3. When she was around I would be nice and cordial to her but I would just be playing and laughing with D3. I think that shift in my attitude and behavior made her see me in a different light. Every sitch is different though. I think your H probably has relaxed around you because things around being separated are resolved in a way. That can free him up to think about different things and be more open to the people around him. He doesn't have to focus on that anymore. It could be a good thing. It could also be a rollercoaster ride ready to take off so be prepared for that.
Burt, Thanks! I just hope she keeps going with this train of thought and we can get into MC and have her really embrace it and open up this time as opposed to 6 months ago when she would just shut down in counseling. Fingers crossed.
Here you and totally understand. I want her to be comfortable and to really open up this time. She has expressed that if/when we go to MC she wants to go to a different counselor. I'm pretty sure it's because our MC has been my IC for the past 4 months. I understand that and told her that we could find a different person for MC. Kinda sucks because the one we have now is very good and really believes in making marriages work. I'm going to ask him if he has any recommendations for a different counselor. I'm just trying to approach this with a lot of caution and as cool as can be. I don't want to pressure her or spook her in any way. Slow and steady....
