I really need to stop getting sucked into relationship arguments with the W. I was doing really good at it but have been drawn into a couple in the last week or so. W has employed a new tactic on this. She will flake on something she has said she will do that puts me in a bind. When I ask about it she starts up an argument and then once she has me hooked she turns it into a relationship talk. Man I have so much to learn. I need to get back to focusing on me. Focusing on D3. Focusing on all the good around me. Not get drawn in and then getting depressed thinking about it afterward. Other than that I had a pretty good weekend. Spent Saturday with D3 out enjoying the great weather. Then yesterday morning while D3 was with W went for a 20 mile mountain bike ride. Busted my knee up pretty good during that but still had a blast and am looking forward to getting out on my bike a lot more this summer. There is so much to look forward to but I keep thinking about W and the sitch more and more lately. Is it because of the arguments? Or is it because we used to do so much together during the summer and I miss that? Probably the latter. We used to go camping a lot and doing so much together and this summer she has gone camping with her friends and is doing all the stuff we used to do with them. I have to say it is depressing but I have to snap out of it. I have to not dwell on it. I'm going to try to go camping myself over July 4th when W is back on the East Coast with D3 visiting her family. Just get away and refocus. Enjoy the time alone to really work through my thoughts.
I really need to stop getting sucked into relationship arguments with the W. I was doing really good at it but have been drawn into a couple in the last week or so. W has employed a new tactic on this. She will flake on something she has said she will do that puts me in a bind. When I ask about it she starts up an argument and then once she has me hooked she turns it into a relationship talk. Man I have so much to learn.
I dunno, it sounds to me like you've learned a lot here, about the pattern. Knowing it ahead of time -- and its predictability -- should help you formulate an artful dodge next time, no??
"I'm sorry, I thought we were talking about "X". I hear you that you're upset about "Y", but I'm not prepared to talk about that right now. What are you going to do about "X"? Anything I can do to help?"
I hear what you are saying Puppy and need to be better prepared for these conversations. Today things with W are actually going pretty smoothly. This morning she offered to take D3 to school which she didn't have to do and doesn't do that often. I told her thanks and hoped she had a good day. She called me about 1/2 an hour before she had to go to work this afternoon and told me about some stuff she had bought D3 at the store. Then told me she had cleaned off the deck and was borrowing our neighbors pressure washer on Wednesday (her day off) and was going to clean it. She talked about getting some more plants on Wed. to go on the deck and I suggested that she may want to keep D3 out of school that day since she loves to help plant things right now. W thought that was a pretty good idea. Then she told me some about her new job and how she liked it so much better there than the last job and told me her schedule for the rest of the week and what her plans were. Was actually a pretty nice conversation and the most we have talked in days. The last argument was on Saturday night and led to her expressing her desire again to move out to figure her stuff out. I told her I could understand her feeling that way and if that's what she felt she needed to do then we could make that work. Then yesterday we didn't talk at all. Now today nice friendly conversation and she's doing stuff at the house that two days ago she was wanting to move out of. Don't quite get it but I do like it. I was very upbeat and friendly with her on the phone and told her thanks for doing all that stuff.
Just got off the phone with W. She called to tell me about her night last night and how her day was going today. Guess she burnt her hand pretty bad last night cleaning the flattop at work. I asked her if it was ok and she said it was, just blistered and hurt like hell. Still pretty light conversation and I just listened and we had a couple of laughs. Toward the end I told her I needed to go but wanted to make sure she was going to pay a couple of the household bills this week that she had said she would and she said yes. Two days in a row now that we've had pleasant conversations. Of course, two days in a row now that we haven't seen each other. A friend of mine pointed that out to me too the other day. She seems to like talking to me over text messages and on the phone (she can't seem to go a day without it) but when we are face to face she just clams up and looks miserable. What gives???
I want to get some peoples opinions on how this last week has went and how I should perceive it. So my last post I told about how we had went through 2 days of pleasant conversation. That was on Tuesday. On Wednesday W called me all through the day. Some just to chat and such. Some to ask my advice on some things. Nice conversations and all. On Thursday I had my IC appt. at noon and W asked me if I wanted to go to lunch with her after it since she would be in the area. I told her yes and we decided where we would meet. Lunch went great. Food was good. We had good conversation about current events and then W and I somehow got on the subject of when she was pregnant and had a great laugh about the comedy or errors that was us getting to the hospital and the birth. As lunch was winding down she had to go to get to work and I told her she could take off so she wouldn't be late and I would take care of the check. So she gets up to leave and I tell her I hope she has a great day at work. She stands there for a minute staring at me and then says "get up and give me a hug". So I do. Nice long hug. We say goodbye and she goes to work. Then on Friday I had just a really stressful day at work. There are some layoffs and it looked like I wouldn't have a job after the end of the month. W called me to b.s. a little and could tell in the tone of my voice that things were amiss. She asked what was up and I told her. She was really empathetic about it and said that no matter what happened we (I stress the we) would get through it. I told her thanks for talking to me and I would see her later. Then about 4pm she called and said D3's school had called her and they had lost power in the building and wanted the parents to come pick up the kids. Since W works about 6 blocks away she went to get D3 and was waiting at her work for me to come get her. So I get there and we get D3 in the car. W sits there talking to me a little bit telling me about her day and the night before at work some. Then she gives me a lingering hug and a kiss on the cheek and whispers in my ear that everything is going to be ok. She went out after work last night and didn't come home until this morning (which isn't unusual) and was talkative with me again. Asked me how I was, how things were going. I told her I was feeling better and had a good day planned with D3. She then reached over and kinda grabbed my foot (and W hates feet) and kinda shook it around a little bit smiling at me and told D3 she was going to have a great day with daddy because she had the best daddy in the world. Now granted...this all feels really good to me. We have talked more this week than we probably have in the last month. And she hasn't touched me physically in over a month. So I take these as positive signs. I am cautious though. And I'm not going to jump on it and start pursuing and scare her away.....
Just want some advice on how to perceive it and how to proceed.
My advice is to stop trying to decipher her actions/words it will just burn up needed brain cells and make you lose sleep. Enjoy the moment and get on with your day with your kid.
Legally we are still married. We are still living in the same house but as roommates. She is paying for part of the household bills and paying for her stuff (phone, student loans, etc...). She has not pursued divorce or legal separation.
Sounds to me like she is in limbo as well, unsure from day to day. Like was said upthread, do your best to not try and get inside the head of a WAS. Just too foggy in there. I think you answered your own question when you said "I am cautious though. And I'm not going to jump on it and start pursuing and scare her away..."
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
I hear what you are saying about not getting inside their head. I really try not to but sometimes she does a complete 180 on me with her attitude and actions and it draws me in. Like I told my IC a couple of weeks ago...it's like she pushes and pushes me away until she suddenly realizes oh crap, I pushed to far and then tries to reel me in a little so I don't totally move on. Then the process repeats.
