I had a rough night. It is so perfect to come here and read your posts. Thank you.
I am in agreement that I need to detach. For my sanity.
I am having a really tough time not judging H regarding our kids. I am their stability and they are so wonderful. I want to tell him, the only thing they are missing is having a stable and present father.
What are they learning? That when the going gets tough, men leave. That opportunism and partying with celebrities are the way out rather than dealing with reality. That running away with one finger pointed back in blame is acceptable. That constantly seeking validation and justifying abhorrent behavior by other peoples' reassurances actually vindicate you?
I don't know how to not say something. I know I influence him. It is hard not to try to slap him with regard to what is what is happening with our children.
He cares. He wants very much to think of himself as a good father.
I think its time to really put some space between you two. Back to the schedule. Obviously he can have his kid time, but family time might need to go on hold.
Limit phone converstaions, don't feel the need to chat beyond the basics. No need to make any bold statements or proclaimations. Just say you need some space, you're busy. The fog is too thick for him right now, and I can't stand to see you hurt each time he refuses to step out of it. He's got you as his best friend in his back pocket and knows it. Let him stumble around in there a bit. I think so much of this is really accepting that timey really is everything. The time for supporting him and showing interest, validating, etc. might not be right now. He's not ready to receive it for the truly amazing gift that it is.
Its like you told me. Build yourself a place of quiet safety, don't come out again until you are ready. Let him fully embrace LaLa land. Can you and the kids get away for any ammount of time? Maybe even just a few day trips this summer?
Everyone defines their own reality. Clearly his does not match yours at this time. Don't fight it. Don't analyze it or judge what it means or where its going. What matters right now is what is real to you, what you want to create in your life. Work on that, set the rest aside. I know it is going to be hard with the co parenting. I don't mean to minimize how that complicates things. But I think it is possible. You just need to keep your focus. Thinking of that Emerson quote- What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Don't ever discount yourself. Everything you have done so far you have done from strength and love. You've got this.
Hi aliveandkicking.
There is some incredibly good information in traveldane's post above. My compliments, traveldane! Well done! I'm gonna put it on my thread too, for my benefit, and for the benefit of others who read it. Thanks.
AAK...I know you are torn up right now, and I'm sorry that you are. Just know that there are lots of people here on this board for you...who support you...and who empathize with you. You are a 'rock' to lots of people here, and you help lots of people here on this board. Thank you!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
AK...I am sure that you have better advice from everyone here. You have so many supporters...and believe me I am reading the posts and keeping up...the only 2 cents I can throw in at this point is that re: the kids. My H is with the kids alot. Every Tues/Thurs. and sometimes in between...then every other weekend. He is being a better more attentive Dad and trying harder than he did in the R. It is good for them I suppose, but makes it all the more confusing for me..and maybe them too I guess in that I do NOT know why he has left us. I feel like it would be easier to just have him thinking that there are greener pastures out there...having some dillusions of granduer...(sp?) But no...he just doesn't want to be married to me. And that hurts, as you know! I feel like he is torturing me slowly...and being a better Dad now just to one up me. I wish he would just go away for a long time...doing his own thing. It would be so much easier. I don't really know how this is effecting the kids, they seem OK...but it has to be hard for them going back and forth...and confusing too. Just trying to say that the kid part or co-parenting is hard no matter what message he may or may not be sending to the kids. I know we are supposed to be forgiving, and I am...but it is getting harder for me not to be mad at the manipulation...it seems when trying to DB, we are giving them the best of both worlds...hmm????
Controlling your emotions?? Me too. I am with you today...this s**t sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AK...at the risk of being too forward...maybe we could connect IRL...I think we are close in proximity. It is better to have people IRL sometimes. Let me know your thoughts on this.
I'm having a very hard time controlling myself today.
Originally Posted By: babymama
Controlling your emotions?? Me too. I am with you today...this s**t sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AK...at the risk of being too forward...
Here also... Must be something in the air today.
Me 35 W 30 S 3 M 7 : T 13 yrs Separated 2/20/09 My Story
Controlling your emotions?? Me too. I am with you today...this s**t sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AK...at the risk of being too forward...maybe we could connect IRL...I think we are close in proximity. It is better to have people IRL sometimes. Let me know your thoughts on this.
too forward? No, not unless you're coming on to me.
let's think about how we could connect.
I'm so pmsing right now so I am just going to do nothing regarding h.
