Why not?

[aliveandkicking]

So, about to go to bed and figured I may as well start a new thread.

Spent the day with some friends I haven't seen in a few years. Positive people. They know H casually through me (and of course, they have some connection to rock star that is just so "uncanny"). I feel like I'm separated from Kevin Bacon.

But, overall, I felt good about myself and got a lot of support and realized how very necessary friends are. Friends who see the best in you and value your character and heart in a sitch like this.

My kids were so awesome and well behaved. My two boys just made feel so hopeful and proud. They talk a lot about missing their dad and I just validate and we move on. They are clearly more adept at doing that than I am.

I just sent H a super friendly email (he was worried because I haven't been responding to his messages- I only respond if I need to)...somehow, this is just who I need to be. Friendly, nice, to the point. Feels good and doesn't feel like eating sh*t. Maybe because I was soooo busy all weekend and had a good time.

So I'm trying to make a deal with myself. If I need to let H know how horrible this has been or how hurtful to me or the kids, I will do it in a couple of years or when I am just done with holding on to him in any way. Hopefully by then, it wont even feel necessary to me but for now, it will keep me steady.

Overall, doing well. Socialized, worked, spent quality time with my kids and am communicating effectively...feeling pretty good.

G'night everybody (or anybody who stumbles here). Sweet Dreams.

[SmileysPerson]

Overall, doing well. Socialized, worked, spent quality time with my kids and am communicating effectively...feeling pretty good.

Oh, I like this. I like this a lot.

Hey alive -- Monsoor's still in LaLa, yeah? Wondering: Is "home" far from LaLa?

If I need to let H know how horrible this has been or how hurtful to me or the kids

Serious, not-at-all-Smiley's-Person-like, question here:

What makes you think he doesn't know?

[aliveandkicking]

Hey SP- The irony is that we actually live in LaLaland but since where-ever you go, there you are, H is actually in Europe right now which I refer to as Lalaland due to rock star factor and Hs mental vacation from reality.

If I need to let H know how horrible this has been or how hurtful to me or the kids

Ok, this is the tricky part for me. I just woke up AGAIN feeling like dukey, sick to my stomach, that left behind feeling.

H called this morning and we spoke about the possibility of him staying there a little longer. His naiveté is stunning. Like the kid from Almost Famous. He is getting so close to rock star, rock star gave him a super expensive gift (hello sugar daddy), rock star called out to him during a show...I listened a little and then I told him I had to go because I have to get the kids ready for school.

Mind you, his income does not support our overhead at this point and he has no idea how much rock star is going to pay him for whatever work he is going to do with rock star.

Now, here's the point- H has never experienced me as a person who will hold back on expressing my feelings or my opinion. And now, I am so mindful of what I share with him, I feel like a samurai (well, sort of). I would like to think that he is cognizant of the depth of pain brewing over here in our sphere but guilt is such an MF for him that I honestly think he takes solace in hearing "ok" when he asks how everything is going. I mean I think that works for him regarding me and the kids.

I also woke up thinking again about certain friends we had who thought he was a real d*ck when he left last time that seem to be a-ok with him right now. I wonder what he has told them. According to friend I saw yesterday who is still on H's facebook, it looks like he is bragging his heart out. Life is a wonderful adventure full of glitz glamour and fulfillment with him right in the center of it all. Now, of course for many Lalalandites, that is uber-impressive but for our "real" friends, aren't they thinking what the f? Your family is falling apart, your broke but you're all about your fabulousness? Which leads to...they think I told him to leave. They think I'm just fine with it. He even told one friend that I took my wedding ring off so there (nevermind it was months after he took his off and I told him it was ONLY because it felt utterly humiliating to keep it on at that point). Who cares what friends think? Well, I almost think he believes his delusions. Seeing his mommy cry when he was a child after his dad had left was traumatizing to him...he actually was on me after he first left about crying in front of the kids, was very concerned about it. If I'm not crying in front of them, am the awesome mom he knows I am, what's the problem? Everything is about image, at least right now. If it looks ok, than it is ok. Maybe deep down he knows but he's just got to stay afloat and know that he is not causing too much damage (differentiate from what he saw his dad put his mom through).

At the end of the day, as in our M, I'm ten times the man he'll likely ever be AND a woman to boot.

I would love to make the space for him to be the man here. That is what I needed in the R and that is what would need to happen for him to come home. But, it would require me falling apart and needing him, begging him, revealing all of my vulnerability. Yes, I actually do think he would come back if I did that, expressed my need. But, I am way beyond that.

Perhaps we need to really talk. Perhaps I underestimate him. I have made references to S9's possible depression and he's gained a whole bunch of weight so that is a visible sign of what he is going through.

H needs to grow up. I would love to point out the obvious in his sitch. It IS obvious. But, I've got to be about me now.

I do still love H. There is just too much there that I've experienced to totally give up on him. My gut tells me that he will go through this and grow into a decent man but you never know and I doubt it will be within my timeframe. It is my sick feeling that I have to work through.

I am "ok" but always an inch away from some outburst of whaling, sobbing, blubbery (which I ward off fairly well). Posting here and getting responses helps me refocus and stay on the horse. I appreciate this communication.

[SmileysPerson]

I am so mindful of what I share with him, I feel like a samurai (well, sort of).

aliveandkicking starring in: DB Samurai, a Not By Kurosawa Production:
Cue: Music
alive (scornfully): #$#$(*#))9(()##&&^@%!$@+":>!>_~%@>>@^^##( _($(#$# *@*@#?/"@$ @(#:@( Ha Ha Ha!

Subtitle: Your Walkaway Powers Are No Match For My DB Kung-Fu! Ha Ha Ha!

certain friends we had who thought he was a real d*ck when he left last time that seem to be a-ok with him right now

Maybe they're just humoring in. Don't infer too much. "Oh, well, you know Monsoor...."

I'm ten times the man he'll likely ever be...I would love to make the space for him to be the man here.

But to do that, as Mark & Brian might say, he'd have to "sack up" to the Eleventh Power. Do you really think, based on your years together, he's capable of such a thing?

Perhaps I underestimate him.

Perhaps. But in the darkness, when the Hideous Face-Facts Monster comes creeping out from under your bed, what does it tell you?

I do still love H.

Which means you're a good person.

So if you're in LaLaLand, maybe you'll run across me one day, out where the bruins live.

[The Wifey]

Ok, this is the tricky part for me. I just woke up AGAIN feeling like dukey, sick to my stomach, that left behind feeling.

At the end of the day, as in our M, I'm ten times the man he'll likely ever be AND a woman to boot.

I would love to make the space for him to be the man here. That is what I needed in the R and that is what would need to happen for him to come home. But, it would require me falling apart and needing him, begging him, revealing all of my vulnerability. Yes, I actually do think he would come back if I did that, expressed my need. But, I am way beyond that.

I am "ok" but always an inch away from some outburst of whaling, sobbing, blubbery (which I ward off fairly well). Posting here and getting responses helps me refocus and stay on the horse. I appreciate this communication.

A&K

Honey, it will be a long time before you wake up without that dukey feeling. It sucks, it hurts, it makes it so hard to get out of bed. I KNOW!!!!!!

You are normal. He is delusional. But, no amount of talk will get him to grow up, face reality, or change/stop what he is doing right now.

I recommend you start a journal. This will be where you turn to when you want to pour your heart out, scream at him, tell him about the hurt, when you can't seem to stop crying, when there isn't enough wine in the house. You get the picture.

And if you need to cry, then find a private place and have at it. Sometimes a good cry until you can't cry more helps. Honestly.

You are man enough and woman enough. Don't worry about what other people think. You know the truth. I tormented myself with this until I decided that no one outside my family really mattered.

And absolutely do not give him lots of details. And, don't answer "fine" when he asks how things are going. I usually answer, "How do you think?" Let your H draw his own conclusions. I am so cheerful and upbeat H is confused. Yet, I still answer that way if he asks.

You are doing ok. You are more than ok, really. A&K is woman, hear her roar!

[aliveandkicking]

aliveandkicking starring in: DB Samurai, a Not By Kurosawa Production:
Cue: Music
alive (scornfully): #$#$(*#))9(()##&&^@%!$@+":>!>_~%@>>@^^##( _($(#$# *@*@#?/"@$ @(#:@( Ha Ha Ha!

Subtitle: Your Walkaway Powers Are No Match For My DB Kung-Fu! Ha Ha Ha!

Oh ya, that's it. I'm embarrassed that I referred to myself as a samurai...not exactly accurate...but maybe someday.

Perhaps. But in the darkness, when the Hideous Face-Facts Monster comes creeping out from under your bed, what does it tell you?

I haven't quite resolved this one and maybe I wont until more time passes. Maybe it is too maternal, knowing his "potential". I know who H can be and has been, who he will choose to settle into remains to be seen. He is definitely in crisis. I could easily see him losing this family, learning and delivering for his next family. That hurts.

But to do that, as Mark & Brian might say, he'd have to "sack up" to the Eleventh Power. Do you really think, based on your years together, he's capable of such a thing?

Ok, I am familiar with the work of Kurosawa but Mark & Brian, not so much. But, I get the point. I know he is capable.

So if you're in LaLaLand, maybe you'll run across me one day, out where the bruins live.

Oooh, we're so covert...LOL. I was over in your neck yesterday...

[aliveandkicking]

Thanks Wifey. I try not to care what other people think. My point about that was actually it is indicative to me of what H is telling them and probably himself.

Coach asked me on another thread why I am so protective and guarded with H and I am still curious about his question (hey there, if you're reading this).

I wonder if I am really suppressing too much. There must be a way to be honest, without being judgmental or applying pressure. Not sure but it has been 5 months and I think I need to be a little less shell-shocked and communicate more authentically. I am not comfortable with "How do think?" Not for my sitch. It is just too sarcastic or snide and reminiscent of our old communication. I'm going to think about it. Part of my growing up it seems is to learn how to be clear and take care of myself effectively without having to make someone else wrong or less than...

[aliveandkicking]

Anyone else ever cave in and sleep for three hours during the day instead of doing what you were supposed to be doing?

Guilty...

[aliveandkicking]

I am debating whether to spend money on a therapist or Db session. I have an appointment with a therapist on Wednesday but thinking DB coach may make more sense. I am limited on funds so need to do one or the other and it will only be one session for now (though if it worthwhile enough, I'll try to scrounge up more).

Thanks for any suggestions.

[orangedog]

I'm on that same fence trying to decide between DB coaching and traditional therapy. I haven't been to traditional therapy in few weeks because of $ and danged' if this wasn't a important week to go. Honestly I think I've got more out of consistent DB'ing then any therapy. I feel new.