Hi everyone- I've been reading these boards for a few weeks now and finally have the courage to tell my story and ask for advice.
We've been together 12 years and married 11. We have one 6 year old son and I had 3 children when we married who are all adults now. To say I was a crappy wife for the last 8 years or so is a complete understatement. I could really bore you with details but just figure if you wouldn't want your wife to do it, I did it. I take full responsibility for the things I did/didn't do and everyone knows everything, including my parents and adult children. They also see that I'm completely different now. I did a 180 on my own before I even knew what it was. We had been living "seperate but parallel lives" for years and I wanted to change it.
In mid April, after a couple of casual discussions with my husband about working on the marriage (where he was distant and noncommital), I decided to get a Facebook since he had one and all my family was connected to him on it. I wanted to start to live in his world, not mine. As I started to act "as if" and comment on his FB, I noticed (dun dun dun!)a certain flirtiness with a woman there-an old high school friend. To say that my husband isn't flirtatious is an understatement. So, I wondered. I asked him to get the DB book and also one by John Gottman about communication one night and the next day he brought them home-this was late April. That night things were great, but I just had a feeling. So I checked his laptop. I know now I shouldn't have and truly wish I hadn't. He's definately in an EA with this woman-they talk about how much they love each other and wish they could be together. She's married, no kids and lives several states away, but her family is in our town. I confronted him and he said he "can't" stop the relationship, that it's all that makes him happy now.
That day I began to read Michelle's book, but honestly, I haven't really taken the GAL and detachment seriously until reading these boards the last few days. I had already done the 180 and as if by myself before I read the book. I can say I kept up the 180 mostly but definately not the as if.
Our status right now is that I'm in counseling myself, he isn't a counseling type of person and refuses any kind, couples or individual. I've cut off every.single.friend. from my "past life" and only have people who support my decision to work on my marriage in my life. We are still living together and he says he wants a divorce but doesn't "know how" to get one. Our lease is up in July and he wants to sign a 2 year lease with me to stay in our house. That really confuses me. I am supposed to start school in the fall full time and he's committed to paying for that. I've been a stay at home mom most of our marriage and for me to be able to get back in the job market, I need this schooling.
Right now, he's "I love you, but not that way. I'm IN LOVE with her." She's very aggressive with him and they both make fun of my efforts and my pain, him behind my back (yes, I snooped, learned that lesson) and she publicly on her FB which she opened up to everyone to read last week. My dil found it and lost her mind. He throws so many mixed signals out that I can't keep my head from spinning. He wants to still be intimate with me. He agreed to no contact with her except when he's at work. He agreed to read After the Affair with me. Sometimes I think he wants to work on things, sometimes I think he's just patronizing me. Knowing how *I* was during our marriage, I know that online EAs tend to flame out and that your feelings toward your spouse DO change back-it's like a pendulum. I'm just trying to ride this out hoping that happens in their case as well, but as an overly emotional, menopausal woman I don't do so well sometimes.
I am seeing my GP for some medication help on Tuesday (I tend to need antidepressants when things like this hit me) and am just trying to keep my head above water until then.
Thanks so much Cautious! Today was sorta up and down-I told him I wanted a wedding ring (I haven't had one for almost 3 years) before this weekend, when my daughter graduates from high school. I just wanted a cheap fake one, mostly just to have that "married" signal again. I am trying to show him that I'm committed to the marriage-and he still wears his wedding ring. He really didn't seem like he wanted to buy me one, and when I said "did you feel weird when I asked you?" he got flustered and said "I know you want one, but you know how I feel. We'll see." Soooo, I figure that's a no. If I want a ring, I'll have to buy it (again. I bought the first one too, that he lost).
I lost it today-typically he is logged into yahoo messenger all day so he can talk to her. Today he hasn't been logged in at all. I figured he would log in around 11:30 since that's when she gets off work, but no. Our landlord called with some things to discuss and I emailed and called him-nothing. When he finally did call back, I asked him why he wasn't on messenger-he said it was because it upset me. Whatever-he hasn't care so far what upsets me. I think they just went to a different service, msn or aim. They both have i-phones and use palringo on them. I'm just so sick of the lying he does, and the deception. He told me today he doesn't feel like he's doing anything wrong at all but won't tell me why he thinks what he's doing is ok. I guess this is my karmic slap for what I did. I wonder if it's normal to swing between anger and sadness and optimism during this process. This is not a man that I know-my mother seems to think it's MLC and after finding something else out, I'm inclined to agree, but that doesn't really help me detach any more.
My daughter is coming up tonight, she graduates from hs this Friday. He has raised her since she was 5 and he's the man she calls Daddy. She's been destroyed by this-I'm so angry that at the happiest time of her life (to date) she will be remembering not her prom or the lead in the spring musical or graduation-she'll be remembering her parents' marriage breaking up. I'm also angry that he doesn't seem to get that he's being selfish in all this-he's putting his own wants before his son's.
I guess I need to keep rereading DB and try to find DR asap. I'm working on changing my thinking patterns which influence my moods and behavior-but today is really really tough. I'm just about to throw my hands up and walk away from all this.
I learned a huge lesson yesterday. My dil found out quite a bit about the OW, including her last name (she had a false one on FB) and her husband's name. I was seething all day and kept picking at my husband, even when I KNEW I shouldn't, it just felt like I couldn't help myself. Bad bad bad I know. My daughter came to visit and called him asking if the 4 of us could go to dinner. He didn't call her back and I was furious (for no real reason, it wasn't my business and I was looking for a fight, I think) so I called him and we argued again. He texted my daughter back saying "yes, but I don't think your mom will go. She's mad at me" when he got home I ignored him and all through dinner I wouldn't even acknowledge his presence. I was acting like a spoiled 11 year old.
When we got home and our son was put to bed, I was in the bathtub (my "fortress of solitude") and he came in to ask me if I wanted to watch a movie. I flatly replied "no" and kept on ignoring him, wouldn't look at him at all. He just walked out without saying anything. I went downstairs afterward and we argued again. He kept saying he didn't even understand why I wanted to work on things because we haven't made each other happy. Ever. I asked him if all 12 years of us being together was miserable and he admitted no, it was the last 8 years. I pointed out to him that I was owning all my behavior and trying to work on my issues and he was avoiding all responsiblity-he told me he felt what he was doing was "right" because I had hurt him for so long.
Long story somewhat shorter, I finally realized that he doesn't see us as even having a chance at this because I keep doing stupid stuff like I did yesterday. I didn't act "as if" and it bit me in the butt. He said that whenever I act like that, it confirms his thought that we aren't "good together" and when I don't, he wonders if he's made the right decision. Funny-I'd asked God for a concrete sign of what to do and there it was. He flat out told me what he was thinking when I did it and when I didn't do it. He said "we had a good weekend and then today you act ridiculous" and I did act ridiculous. I told him it was because I knew he was talking to her all day. I really have to stop doing that.
I see my dr today and am looking at different things to do with our son this summer, to truly start GAL and work on detaching. I am going to try to see if any of our bookstores have DR and reread DB and read it again after that. I need to seriously seriously buckle down on acting "as if".
