To everyone who has taken the time to write, thank you from the bottom of my heart; and to anyone else who would like to, looking forward to meeting you!
I reread your last post on the last thread, and I was wondering, when you said that he has to knock to come into his own house, how would you feel if he hadnt knocked? Like he was walking into the house like nothing had even happened? I changed the locks on my house because it bothered me so much.
Im glad that it seems like him spending time with your D is working out. How are things going today?
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Sorry i have been quiet everyone, peace thanks so much for the post. I have been out of town working for the last few days; first time that have had to sit down and write here. I have had a lot f time to think over the last few days and I am stating to realise as a dawning reality that my H is deeper into his A with OW than what I thought. I really believe that this is serious now. I have been hit with what has she got that I havent got talking in my mind. She is older closer to my husbands age, she has two teenage boys, is from the town where we live, just like him, interested in the same music, probably has him on a keep fit/diet campaign (he has high blood pressure but seems to have lost weight) has her own house in a very good area, works for him in his company so hasn't got the work constraints that I did about not being bale to spend time with him. Blonde, good figure..... What have I got; brunette, good figure (curvy), we have our D7, a ten year relationship that he obviously wants to forget, even though there has been mistakes I have loved him and have wanted my marriage. he says that he is in a new relationship, the marriage is over and that he has moved on, How can he jump into a new relationship after ten years with no time by himself to reflect on things; to cope with the fall out that his walking out has caused? Ha she met his soul mate in her and was I the dress rehearsal? Is she the rebound?? It seems she is a lot more serious than that...... It grieves me that my H saw no other choice than to walk away from a family that love him to be with this "yes" woman; the woman that will stroke his ego and stand by him as his company is folding. I found out yesterday that I have won a visiting fellow award to Harvard, starting in wither the fall or spring sememster. I went ou t for a celebratory drink last night with my mum and one f my close friends who is a solicitor. She thinks that a huge part of what has happened is the green eyed monster. My H's company is in huge trouble, i have had more and more international success in what I do, and he wants to bring me down if he is struggling. Even choosing the other woman, in her position, is a tact. he r job is not to challenge him but to walk behind him and support him, just as she is in his personal life. I have tried to support my H over the years but I have also been tough love as well. I am on an equal level to him and I believe that that is a good thing.We can learn s much from people who push us to become better people. I dont know, maybe OW is doing just that but I doubt it. He has caused so much chaos to be with her. I suspect that either he is in HUGE denial and MLC, playing out this phase of it with her.......or he is WAS and has met the love of his life and has had to drag me and our D7 through this out of necessity. He has a family who love him here at home, yet he has created a new life with her and her sons. is there hope in God that he can soften my husbands heart and open his eyes.....I pray every day, god is sometimes so quiet and silent, it seems as if nothing is happening......only more and more upset. My H and I have our first mediation session on Wednesday, he has obviously had his letter of introduction sent to her house, not here. He as moved most of his clothes but everything else is still here, especially all of his books which he loves, photos etc. I am going int mediation with a sense of doom, the supporting lit they sent me began "for people who are separating to do so with dignity". I didn't want this, never wanted it. I have loved and have wanted my family.I never had a choice in this. He has lied, deceived and denied me and my family the right to the truth and to a response. Thanks for reading would love as much feedback as poss; feeling very alone on this. My friends are all starting to tell me to get over him. I am GAL bu you dont get over someone this quickly (5 months).Grief and loss has its own contour. I x
What beautiful poignant words to describe where you are.. and the start of the journey. The facts are startling.. your husband walks away from the marriage, family to another woman with children. His sole focus is to divorce and start a life again with her.
Sucks the supreme bean-a-roni.
The facts are your friends, as painful as they are. Another fact: The only one responsible for personal happiness is the face one sees in the mirror. It's true for him, me, you, everyone on the planet. The beautiful thing is being self aware. You can use the emotions you feel to grow, to process what is going on.
You may never know why this all happened. He will probably never explain it, validate your feelings. Your realities are no longer meshed. However, you can stop giving him prime real estate in your mind. You can choose what you put there. Mourning is a process, but so is choosing to live a vibrant life. It's not "getting over him", it's moving forward knowing the facts. And it hurts. And hurts and hurts... especially if you keep picking at the wound. Oddly enough, by focusing on what you cannot control (his actions, choices) you can hurt yourself far worse than he ever did.
Try and look at your whole life, the love you have for your daughter, the connections you have with your mum, your friends. Take joy in your accomplishments, learn from the stumbles. Grief, pain, hurt does not stop the beauty of life.
Read the posts of others on this board. Share what is beautiful within you. Find the nuggets of wisdom, the ways they cope and apply what works to your life. Give out what you want to receive.
Gypsy, thanks for your message; I have been away with my D and my mum for the last few days........ my WAM dropped off D7 at home last Saturday and we preceeded to drive to Killarney, County Kerry IRL. Had dinner in our hotel and went to sleep. I woke Sunday morn, had a shower and had the most agonising pain; I cant remember much but apparently I dropped to the floor and lost consciousness. the next thing I knew was that two ambulance people were there and I was taken to hospital for all of Sunday and Monday morning. My mum had to ring my WAH who drove the hour and a half to meet her and our D, then he drove them all to see me in hospital. i was in a huge amount of pain. he popped into see me twice, very uncomfortable. I was in pain, physically and emotionally seeing him. I said i didnt fully understand why he was there; he replied, i am not a barbarian, i care about you and i care about your mother. i replied that i was grateful for him being there to support my mum and d but in terms of cre for me all i could see was the man, that i married and love, cares for me but.......he obviously doesnt. he was angry and said that continuing the conversation would be good for neither of us so he then walked out.......again, this is the second time he has done this to me in hospital. Hw then proceeded to have a chat with my mum outside; he was going on about how I have subjected him to mental cruelty for five years, how I have been suicidal, that I told him that i was going back o Oz (my home country) to die f cancer, that I have been a negligent mother and that people have been horrified by my actions over the years etc. How can he do this to my mum, who is so overwrought and exhausted, overweight and battling chronic high blood pressure. My mum looked as if she was going to drop yesterday and he went on with these lies and ravings? Why, after five months, is he still talking about these things? Anger? Not indifference surely? He is harbouring so much about me..... He also admitted that the OW he has known as a friend for 10 years. I cant remember him ever mentioning her to be honest but it does add a different slant on things; not someone completely new........he also mentioned to my mum that it wasn't an important, high level relationship, whatever that means. I also had a visit from my SIL in hospital yesterday. She absolutely let go, saying that I have to show him what i am made of, that i am a better person than all of this, that i have to stand tall and be proud......she also thinks his R with OW is a car crash waiting to happen; my H turned to her for comfort and that it wont last, because he flung himself so quickly into it from the marriage itself. She is urging me to stay strong and go for my life without him that the M is over and i have to say good riddance. now my focus has to be my little girl,and she is absolutely right. He had our D today, when my mum and i got home from hospital (my h had our D7 stay with him and her half sister in his XW's house last night) he completely ignored both mum and myself. even after sil was on the phone to him to warn him about my mums health he didnt ask how she was left alone me......straight out of hospital and he couldn't even look me in the face let alone speak to me. sorry for the rant but this is getting difficult; is he confused? or merely resolute that he wants nothing to do with me and our marriage/r over the last decade...... advice?
i will be posting in a few hours on other peoples threads......thanks for your support everyone; this website has been and continues to be a life changing experience. innish xxxx
Hi there, could I get a response? am really needing some feedback here........tough times...... Am confused. Am wanting to let go and let God as far as my marriage goes. yet it seems so insurmountable I keep praying, going to church but it seems that nothing is happening, no sign, no shift etc. He is resolute and angry......
It sounds to me like your sister has the right idea. You have been through so much. You need him away from you and to focus on yourself, just to be able to breathe.
My sister always asks me why I continue to be surprised by H's behavior when by now, it is predictable that he will behave like an a**hole.
You seem so surprised despite the fact that it doesn't sound like he is out of character.
You already know the drill. That whole hospital scene sounds like a nightmare and you hoped that if you were honest about how you felt, he could handle it BUT that is not realistic. He was there, he thought that should be enough and when you questioned him he lashed out. He can't be the guy that is truly there for you and you know it.
You asked for responses and so I'm trying to accommodate. You have been through so much, it is just extraordinary what you have handled. Take some space, get yourself together and then you can see where you go from there.
Thanks alive, i really appreciate the feedback. I agree, time and space apart is crucial at the moment; yes, I have been through so much. I am not really surprised by my H; he is completely detached and remains that way. You are right, he is not truly there for me; that is fact, whatever the reason MlC etc. I just would have hoped that he could show my mum a little more consideration. She has done nothing to him in all of this. I am going to be kind to myself; I am pretty raw after hospital and I need to love me...... Am not sure where the h is that I married and that i love; he seems to have gone away on a one way ticket journey.......
Well, your sitch has been tougher than many but we are all going to bed alone tonight.
We all feel that "who the heck is this person" feeling.
Tonight I ache for my children.
I am honestly almost ready to file for D myself. I feel so used and tossed out...but my kids...aaargh.
Please focus on you. Try to challenge yourself to committing to not posting about H on here at all for one, two or three days. Amazingly, when I did that, there was so much less drama and I felt so much better. Start with that. Tell us about YOU, about your family and what you are doing to recover and feel better...that's the only advice I've got.
I am so sorry to hear that you are in so much pain, especially about the children. i know how that feels; you see the little ones dragged through things that seem so unfair and necessary, and you see their pain and you want to save them from it. The feeling of being used and tossed aside, I also understand, the more that I think about it the more I think that it is an opportunity for us to dig deep if we can and remind ourselves just how important we are, to our families and to our friends. i think that all we can do is focus on ourselves and our babies. what do i want. i want to have peace and my health back. i want my little girl to thrive and flourish and to know that i am there for her, and so is her father. i want to know that i will be happy being alone for the rest of my life rather than wondering why the man i promised to love for the rest of my life has discarded me. i will try not mentioning h for a few days....... take care of yourself alive, you are a special person with special gifts, dont lose sight of that. your kids are depending on you, as is mine. i x
