Starting thread #2 with my mantra "Being the best me I can be. The rest is up to her."
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We didn't have much contact yesterday. I went for great trail run yesterday (including a forced detour because of a lounging moose that refused to move off the trail). She spent a bunch of time on fb. I'm feeling down today maybe because I've realized just a few more days left. I know...I know it's going to be fun but right now I'm feeling too attached at the moment. (Is this a backslide?)
We had a few words this morning. She left some food out and I automatically put it back in the fridge.
"Cleaning up after me?" (referring to our inside joke about how she gets the food out and I put it away). "I know. It's going to get worse." She commented about BFF's over-the-top organization, and how she gave her stern words for leaving a pair of socks on the floor.
I shook my head and said, "Ya think? Religious-friend told me he thought she was kind of a control freak and that was five minutes after he met her."
She laughed, "Yeah, it's gonna be..uh..interesting."
Seriously the housekeeping think drove me crazy during our marriage. She was so messy. And it left me overwhelmed. Last few months I just backed off and let some of the messes sit. I focused more on paperwork and worked through bills; an area I had been lacking in. As I've said earlier, I felt better when I wasn't compelled to do this stuff but when I did my share willingly.
She knows exactly what I was thinking, 'Girl, you got yourself into this one.'
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I checked my bank account balance this morning and fell out of my chair. Why was there over $10k in there!! I found a deposit for almost $9k so I got on the phone and asked her what it was for. She was making a large transfer for BFF to her stbx. BFF was in a hurry and couldn't make it the bank..blah..blah. Ok whatever - I had a meeting. I wrote a quick terse email saying NEVER do that again. BFF has impending bankruptcy and divorce and making a large transfer is totally red-flags. You know better than that. I don't want our finances mixing with anyone else's ever. I expected a nasty-gram back (her usual MO) but instead got a "I'm sorry" and a frowny-face.
Last edited by orangedog; 05/27/0906:18 PM.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Should I go dark / dim next week? As in Ok, you've got what you wanted. I'll have fun in my house, you have fun in yours. My door is open.
Things have been good between us the last few days (keep doing what's working) but certainly being in a different house is going to change things (stop pursuing).
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Coming off a SSM* and going into a separation I was trying to warm things up. Seems I need to pull back and wait.
* 1x per month. She says I didn't take enough initiative. I thought she was cold as ice and never showed interest. Early in R she said kids and weight issues (hers) dampened her mood and she didn't feel attractive. Later in relationship she was angry at me because I 'couldn't do anything right'(ADD sitch) and was starting to run my life. Whatever! The plumbing worked but the sitch made it not happen often.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I don't know if my experience might be helpful or relevant, but your footrubs strike an intuition...
My M was an SSM (1x per month maximum) for 8 years. I was so angry with my H for not making love to me, for not "taking me." Reading Schnarch's comments about being "chosen" hit home for me. I was angry all the time and so many things he did, in my eyes, was wrong. My disgust with him stemmed from lack of intimacy, lack of passion, and ignorance on both of our parts with regard to what each other needed.
My H would try to "warm things up" as you put it with similar things like back-rubs or foot rubs, or sometimes in bed he would lightly place his hand on my hip and just freeze there. He never just took me. When he did these little things to try and warm me up, I felt as if he was giving me some lame cue that he was about to get ready to make his big move. I also felt as if he was testing my mood and my receptiveness before actually initiating. It turned me off bigtime.
I really, really needed him to be deliberate and confident. I needed him to take what he wanted from me, and to break through my barriers of anger and coldness that had been built up from years of feeling neglected. In essence, by giving me a back rub, or by asking "Are you tired?," he was making ME choose HIM. He was making me decide if it was going to be OK for him to approach me. Schnarch explains this beautifully.
Another important point is that my H and I were great friends and great roommates, but there was little day-to-day intimacy and flirtation. I needed to be "warmed up" consistently so that I was willing and ready for him to swoop in and carry me off to the Casbah. I needed to feel pursued and wanted, and I felt none of that until the dreaded footrub came along...
We've turned all of this around through some tough discussions, lots of reading, and hard work. Now I relish the footrub and backrub, because there is loving flirtation all the time. These things are no longer seen as passive cues.
I wish more people who were feeling the way I was in my SSM found this board before walking away.
I could be way off and completely wrong. I felt it was important to share my perspective with you to consider just in case it could be relevant. Perhaps it might shed some light on what your W might be feeling, missing, wishing for, searching for.
