Fire's burning out...just smoldering

[blindsided1]

Last Thread It's all ablazin'

Not much new going on. Had a fun weekend even though we were both sick. Had a bbq and pool party on Saturday. H brought K home in the middle of it. Didn't invite him in. He lingered outside talking to me. Asking who was there, etc. I could tell he wasn't happy about it. Too bad. Friday, I had to pick K up from daycare because H was running late. When he finally picked her up from my house, he brought OW's kids with him...nice. I pulled up to the house and he was already there. I said that I just needed to run inside to change her really quick and I'd be right back. He followed me into the house. Left the 9 & 11 year old with the newborn in a running pickup truck. I went upstairs and he followed me. I knew what he was looking for. I immediately made him leave. I was more pissed off that he left those kids in a running vehicle than the fact that he was a sexual deviant. The man has issues. Serious. Good thing is, I haven't heard from him. We'll see what this week brings.

[kassie]

Keep moving forward and looking forward not backwards. You have support.

[blindsided1]

I'm trying. I know I have a ton of support. There are days...like today, where I just start to feel.....sad. Maybe a little lonely. I don't know if it's lack of sleep or the fact that I have been sick. But, I feel lonely. Not alone. Just a little blue, today. I'll get over it.

Back at work and nobody is telling anybody what is going on with the business. It's obvious they're selling the building, but no one will say a word. I feel a bit overwhelmed...looking for a new job, juggling the bills, filling out paperwork and getting the DCSS and D completed. My birthday is coming and I completely forgot that I had a birthday. I have been so concentrated on K's first birthday. But, that's okay. I don't really care about my birthday. I'm excited about hers.

I had a nice bbq on Saturday. I saw some old friends that I have been missing. We had a blast. Sunday and MOnday...I was in bed..sick. But, I feel okay today. Hope this is a good week for everyone.

[Startingover2]

Hes a jerk. How dangerous to leave kids in the car like that.

Glad you had a good weekend and you are feeling better! Love ya.

[kassie]

Your BD is important period. Do something for yourself whether with the kids or not. When is it your day? We want to sing!

Best guess is that being sick makes us vulnerable to all kind of feelings. It will pass.

Sounds like a good weekend and work sounds scarry. I took an extended weekend and have to return tommorrow and not looking forward to it. I have had to juggle kids, bills, and work for many years, it is all coming to an end for me but I remember how hard it was being alone. Friends were all I had to get me through it at times, but my kids were the best. It gets better.

[blindsided1]

Thanks Kassie and SO2 - still feeling blue today. I don't know...I'm kinda having a bout of depression lately. I feel sad. I miss having someone to cuddle with and come home to. But, I also know that I'll have that time again. I saw my old friend the other day. The guy that I was attracted to...who was separated. He and his wife are still separated. I saw him briefly. He looked good. He said I looked good and that he missed talking to me. I miss him too, sometimes. He used to make me laugh, a lot. And, the attraction was nice. Maybe that's why I am blue....I find someone that I am attracted to, enjoy being around...but, he's still M even if they are separated. So, I just start wanting someone that has the good qualities that he has, but is available to love me and be loved back. Oh, lord, I'm getting sappy. Going to start my day, now.

[kassie]

Be patient, it will come when the time is right.

If I have learned anything in life, it's that everything comes in it own time, but it does come. Sometimes we are thrilled, sometimes we are over it, sometimes we have to warm up to it again - but R always come along.

So, treat yourself special tonight and know that it will all work
out as you wish, just in a different time slot.

[blindsided1]

You're right Kassie...patience, patience, patience. This has been a rough week for some reason, though. I'm having difficulty sleeping, too. I am anxious about something or stressed. When the stress is bad or I feel something just isn't right, I have this weird (what I call) six sense...my hand breaks out in a weird rash..it's like ecsema (sp?)...and it last for a few days, maybe a week. But, it's been here for two weeks and it's the worst it has ever been. I start to panic thinking about what is going to happen...like it's some predictor of bad things to come. Someone call the mental hospital...I swear that I wonder sometimes if that is where I belong. I don't know, maybe the psychosomatic effects are making it worse. Maybe it's because I haven't had more than 4-5 hours of sleep each night in the last two weeks. Today, I'm living on 3 hours sleep...this sucks.

But, I am here..there is coffee and it's almost Friday.

Oh, and to answer your questions above...it's June 12th. K's is June 18th.

[kassie]

Sleep deprivation always makes things worse, but I think I hear the anxiety I used to have when I realized that everything was on me. I used to wonder how I would handle things especially if something went wrong. Not having someone to back you up when you are a parent is scarry. I didn't feel that way when I was by myself. Just like I don't worry too much now because it is mostly me. "It's a parent thing" It will get better.

[blindsided1]

Well looks like we're back up. So, I hadn't heard from H regarding his visitation tonight. He wanted to switch from every other weekend to every Friday through June. Yesterday afternoon, I texted him and just said that I was double checking that he would have K tonight....no reply. 2 hours later
Me: "Helllloooo? McFly? Can you please confirm that you are taking K tomorrow night"
H: Can't have work on sat early sorry
Me: Next time ca u let me know rt away so my plans dont get messed up. Im HAPPY 2 have the xtra time with her
H: just found out today sorry ur plans got screwd up
Me: Jst next time pls dont wait 4 me 2 asku. jst tell me. I dont mind keeping her. I jst dont appreciate the last min stuff. Its time you lose with her. Doesn't affect me. And, dont feel bad, my plans arent ruined. I found a sitter. No worris

Yes, yes..I know. I played a bit of the guilt card. Why? Because I know he is lying about working. I already know he decided to go to some party with OW instead of having his daughter. Its the idea that he lied about it. If he wanted to switch Fri for Sat...no problem. But he didnt. He just doesn't want her. So he wont see her for two weeks. My Mom told me this was going to happen...that the novelty would wear off and he wouldn't want her as often. And, to think, he used to scream obscenities at me because he said that I was keeping his daughter from him. That he would see her everyday, if he could. Well? He can. He isn't!!!

Loser. Oh, and I don't have a babysitter. I cancelled my plans. I'm fine with that. It's part of being a parent. There are going to be times when your plans have to be cancelled. It's more time for me to have with my daughter. I just told him that because my Mom thinks he gets some kind of joy out of ruining things for me.

So, I don't anticipate seeing or hearing frm him until next Friday. IF he decides he wants her on his Friday, or not.