Help! Want direct feedback from walk away wive/s

[BigJohn]

I'm getting mixed signals from my wife who continues to engage in an EA while telling me she is willing to stick around to see if I make some positive changes myself. (I know, she is a "cake eater".) I've been reading these forums and am getting some good information, but would really like to be able to get some direct feedback from women who have been in my wife's position. Is there anyone out there that would be willing to answer my questions/concerns? Thanks!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm getting mixed signals from my wife who continues to engage in an EA while telling me she is willing to stick around to see if I make some positive changes myself. (I know, she is a "cake eater".)

And what did you say to THAT "offer"??

[futureunknown]

That is exactly the situation I was in, except I didn't know my W was having an EA. She said she would stick around to "see how I improved" and "see if her feelings change". What a joke. I beat myself up and nearly killed myself trying to become "super husband" while she stood back and just said "Nah, not good enough." I eventually found out about the EA, my W moved out, and it became a PA.

Working on your M is impossible while EA is going on. It will destroy your self confidence and self esteem if you try, because it's like ramming against a brick wall.

[BigJohn]

I'm getting mixed signals from my wife who continues to engage in an EA while telling me she is willing to stick around to see if I make some positive changes myself. (I know, she is a "cake eater".)

And what did you say to THAT "offer"??

She told me last week she's done talking to the guy but I know she's not- this is the fourth time she has said this only to quickly relapse. She's too damn obsessed with him.

[BigJohn]

That is exactly the situation I was in, except I didn't know my W was having an EA. She said she would stick around to "see how I improved" and "see if her feelings change". What a joke. I beat myself up and nearly killed myself trying to become "super husband" while she stood back and just said "Nah, not good enough." I eventually found out about the EA, my W moved out, and it became a PA.

Working on your M is impossible while EA is going on. It will destroy your self confidence and self esteem if you try, because it's like ramming against a brick wall.

I read some of your prior threads. The OM in my sitch is two states away, so for now it's just an EA- phone calls, texting, email, etc. What's amazing is what a friggin loser this guy is!!- fat, UGLY, criminal background including assaulting an ex-girlfriend- 40 yes. old and never married, etc.- HELLO, RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE-(The exact OPPOSITE of me- my main sin being that I worked too damn hard and didn't spend enough time with my wife.) But according to her, he "says all the right things" and "I really like how he treats me." Unbelieveable. The psychology behind these EA's is astonishing- it's like my wife is self-brainwashing herself. I am very concerned that she may eventually be working towards some sort of self-fulfilling prophesy, which is why I'm looking for some direct feedback from women in this forum who have been caught up in an EA/PA.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm getting mixed signals from my wife who continues to engage in an EA while telling me she is willing to stick around to see if I make some positive changes myself. (I know, she is a "cake eater".)

And what did you say to THAT "offer"??

She told me last week she's done talking to the guy but I know she's not- this is the fourth time she has said this only to quickly relapse. She's too damn obsessed with him.

I'm curious; just how many strikes are you giving her?

Puppy

[BigJohn]

I'm getting mixed signals from my wife who continues to engage in an EA while telling me she is willing to stick around to see if I make some positive changes myself. (I know, she is a "cake eater".)

And what did you say to THAT "offer"??

She told me last week she's done talking to the guy but I know she's not- this is the fourth time she has said this only to quickly relapse. She's too damn obsessed with him.

I'm curious; just how many strikes are you giving her?

Puppy

In short, we've got 19 yrs. together, three wonderful kids, I haven't been the perfect husband and I've contributed to the problems in our marriage (this does not justify the EA or her continuing the EA). She is not strong, but is still here. So for now I'm giving her some time and space and doing what I can towards working on my 50% of the relationship.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

OK, fair enough. Just know that "I need space," to a wayward woman, really means "I need space in which to conduct my affair, unencumbered."

Puppy

[sgctxok]

But according to her, he "says all the right things" and "I really like how he treats me."


Here...I hear you saying you really want to listen....to WOMEN.

Unbelievable. The psychology behind these EA's is astonishing- it's like my wife is self-brainwashing herself. I am very concerned that she may eventually be working towards some sort of self-fulfilling prophesy, which is why I'm looking for some direct feedback from women in this forum who have been caught up in an EA/PA.

And here I hear you trying to find a way to analyze what she said to you.




WHAT IS YOUR GOAL?

Do you want your wife back?




If so...LISTEN TO YOUR WIFE. Stop analyzing her 'brainwashing' and 'cake-eating'.....those things stop you from listening to her and making real changes.

Give what she said a chance.

She is telling you....she doesn't like what you do and how you do it. You don't make her feel how she wants to feel. Therefore....she's going to go where she feels how she wants to feel in a sexual situation. No brainwashing here.

When she says she likes how he treats her and talks to her......find out what he does....and do yours as well or better AS SHE LIKES IT...not how you think it should go.


You will have a good shot at it then.




Wasting your time on setting limits on HER instead of changing yourself.....will lead you closer to divorce.

[robx]

Or....

You could try this approach: don't do anything.

Let her go.

You can't explain, rationalize, argue away any of her current behaviors.

When a woman is getting ready to have an affair or is currently having an affair, they have given up on you. The unfortunate thing is by the time this happens, you the LBS (left behind spouse) is willing to jump through hoops of fire to get her back.

You talk to her, listen to every word, analyze every reaction, walk on egg shells, etc.

She probably treats you with a bit of disrespect, she may be mean to you at certain times, give you a healthy dose of her attitude. She has a long scorecard of all the things you've done in the past, where you have failed as a husband and as a man.

You can jump through every hoop, you can perform every task she asks of you and you can try to talk to her the way you think she wants you to.

But it won't work.

You see, the mind set is that you are conquered, you're no longer a challenge, you're willing to jump out of a plane right now just to save your marriage and bring your wife back. That shows insecurity (huge turn-off), a lack of confidence, a lack of individuality, etc.

She can have you at any time since you are "conquered". So she doesn't have to work at it. She's pushing you away while you are trying to pull her in.

Limit your contact. If you have to, just explain to her that you're not willing to play games with her anymore.

If she wants to have an affair, she can have one.

I know, you're on divorce busting and you're trying to save your marriage but acting like a wimp & wuss who will jump through rings of fire to impress his wife and get her to love him again isn't going to do it.

She doesn't respect you, that's why she carries on this behavior and by continuing to have affairs with another man.

How can she respect someone who doesn't respect themselves?

No one can.

You need to take care of yourself. Be a great person for yourself first & foremost.

Respect yourself & love yourself above all others.
Set boundaries for how people will treat you and the hardest part of all this: let go of the people that don't value you or your relationship together, let go of the people that aren't willing to do what it takes to save the relationship.

Let her go.

Letting her go will be the first step to getting her back if that's what you truly want.

You need to build up your self-esteem to the point where you can live a great life without her because you are an awesome person.

Right now she has a new toy and an old toy.
The new toy is this guy she seeing on the side (calling, emailing, texting, whatever). The old toy is you.

She likes having both. It's a ego boost for her, it's alot of power she holds in her hands right now, it makes a person feel great to be in this position.

I don't envy you bro, it's an ugly position to be in but there is alot of personal growth potential on your part to be experienced because of this process if you do it right.