Please see the last post by me on the above link before it was locked as I would like some feedback.
I have unfortunately backslid to day as I had a conversation with my W this morning which went badly.
Basically, I asked her if she was seeing somebody and she asked me the same. We both denied any OP and then my W accused me of snooping because I questioned her on something that I should not have questioned her on. She/I is/am still seeing me as pursuing and I am not detaching properly.
She said she is a single mother and can do whatever she wants whenever she wants. She said she cares about me but we must stay out of each others business particularly if we want to be friends.
I popped around to the house to say hello to the children. My W said I just cannot turn up like this as this is not part of our agreed visitation times. As we do not have anything official in writing this is merely a verbal agreement. I validated her and said I would call in future if I was going to pop in.
She then complained about the number of things she has to do in the house. Instead of me ignoring it I stupidly offered to cut the grass for her if she wanted me to. She said no I can do theses things myself and said I never offer it is always her suggesting it.
I have fallen into the needy trap, I have pursued and I feel I have undone any small progress I might have taken.
Am I back to square one again?
Last edited by markhaving probs; 05/23/0905:56 PM.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Yeah, I wish I was a millionaire, but that doesn't make me one.
You sound like me a little bit ago sometimes. I had depression issues too; who wouldn't with a critical WAS though! It sounds like you're doing all the right things. I had a lot of missteps way worse than yours--trust me--but yet I kept moving forward and I'm in a much better place than I was.
One thing that I do, which sounds cheesy, is instead of focusing on the negative; I do try to look at the positive. Yes, my H left me for an OW, but I'm closer to my kids, become a more confident, happier, independent person. It seems to me there's always good, sometimes quite a bit of good in a bad situation. For some reason it helps me to see things half full instead of half empty. Maybe something you could try?
Exercise is really good for dealing with stress & depression I think. I always try to exercise at least a couple times a week, even if you only have 10 or 20 minutes.
It sounds like you need to work on detaching more. I find that the less I see and focus on my WAH, the better I feel, the better my PMA. You should try to plan some GALing with your kids, GALing for just you, and try to improve yourself everyday just a little. Karen
She said she cares about me but we must stay out of each others business particularly if we want to be friends.
This is what another poster (song) told his wife about being friends...
"You know I love you and always will, and I will always treat you cordially and with respect especially around the kids, but if we get divorced, we will not be friends. Friends don't do this to each other."
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I have heard all those references to being a single mum...
IMO-if you're going to get anywhere here -you're going to have to get "your" head around being a "single dad"...even if that's just a state of mind for now...
And you've gone a long way towards that -clearly though you've fallen into a shallow crevasse...it's not so deep though...
Karen gave you some really good pointers up-thread...stop, breathe, look at your glass... "MAKE" it over half full with your achievements...if you can't right now, make a plan to nudge that feeling up...ok you reported that you were now involved with the PTA...what are you doing? Mark, if you're just waiting for them to ask you to do something then you're missing a trick -this is the most obvious and easiest way of you offering yourself out to your community -is there anything you can be proactive about? If, when you do, you will be amazed about the good feelings and confidence that follows...
What have you volunteered for? Mark, make sure you're in the thick of it...for now this is about you and your kids...! Nothing to do with your W - its not to impress her or get brownie points with her...its to do with getting brownie points for you - into your Brownie Point Bank Account -for yourself... all yours!!! And your kids will benefit by association!!!
Mark - I suggested to you to get involved in the PTA cos that's what I have done and I found it very helpful - in making sure that I was still a major part of my S's school life - even though my W considers herself to be "a single mum". The "school gate" is an important place to be...but you have to carry that off with honour and dignity - it also helps you rub along with the other folks there...and keeps you live in their minds when they think of your kids...
Mark, yes, you did f*ck up...back to the Gucci plan...don't over-think it...
Stay cool, stay collected, neediness is NOT ALLOWED!!!
Get something to concentrate on....other than your W!!!
Best - GFI! (aka Simon)
Mark -if you want to find me on FB I'm easy - find Kalni
Thanks guys for your responses. I'm glad I have not done too much damage, its my impatience that is my biggest problem, so I must try and take this one day at a time.
For my PMA and GAL'ing I have been asked to become the school Treasurer which would get me engrossed into the school finances and is a very responsible role within the school. I have also been asked to become a member of the PTA to offer views and advice. This is an offer I am going to accept after this weeks half-term.
I am enjoying my time with the children, and I am doing my best to anticipate their needs. I must admit though, any excuse my W has to critisise anything I do, she does with regularity in regard to anything, including the children.
I find it difficult to believe you can be friends with a S that has dumped you. Friends would not dump on you if this was the case, I believe it is a form of cake-eating in case it does not work out with OP. It does not mean your S would come back to you, but it gives them an option. I would try and treat my stbx as a friendly neighbour which I read somewhere.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I must admit though, any excuse my W has to critisise anything I do, she does with regularity in regard to anything, including the children.
No sh!t. That's part of it, man! Mine does the same thing. Maybe they are just continuing to convince themselves that they did the right thing by leaving...finding fault with EVERYTHING we say or do. I don't know. I just know that mine is pissed off all out of proportion when it comes to me.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Mark - "I'm glad I have not done too much damage, its my impatience that is my biggest problem, so I must try and take this one day at a time."
IMO- you need to think longer than this....
No - you haven't done too much damage...but the potential was there cos you were thinking short term...at the moment you're on a hook...waiting for your W to have change of mind...take it from me and many more here -right at the moment she won't -especially if you try to "stay close".
Mark - I wish I had found this place as soon as you have...
Drop that rope...
Start doing things for yourself and bu@@er your W...
But never, ever let your kids down...that way you are taking a large proportion of anger out of your W's sails...
