So, he is "trying" using the things he's learned in the past? That's interesting. I was feeling that he wasn't doing that. My mistake. So, the trick is to direct him away from the past and towards the future, without have to take total control, I guess?
I'm thinking a few things.... first, make sure he knows you see him trying, and that you do appreciate it. But without going overboard. Otherwise, he's going to curl up into a little ball and give up. At the same time, let him know that you would like him to try something different. Tell him that you can't tell him exactly what it is. Tell him how you would like to feel. Then, when he does anything that could possibly be considered as "trying" this, make really, really sure he knows it is seen and appreciated. Don't make him guess. He's probably as near to giving up as you are, so try to help him stay motivated.
One other thing to think about.... is it possible that he is looking for something from you, and not seeing it? Maybe you can try something different, too. Make it something for yourself, but something that can be good for him, too.
H is clearly trying, but is clearly confused. He has ZERO clue of what to do.
Your reply to me that his IC said he has low self-esteem makes perfect sense and fits his actions, to be truthful.
I've already told you I was there once myself, so I'm speaking from experience rather than hypothetical theory.
Your H may be overwhelmed (I felt this way often) and so he's stuck or in "shut down" mode. Until he finds his love of himself, he'll be very lucky to get out of this situation on his own.
Will he consider going to IC again? He really, really, really seems to need it and it may be the only way he'll find himself.
As for not filing, I'm glad you spelled it out and I'm now firmly in the camp of you NOT filing. Instead, can you just "stay" where you are and "float" a bit?
Kalni, I am reading a wonderful Christian book called TheShack and written by William P. Young. I would like to share something with you from the book. When I read this, I thought of you.
In this particular part of the book, the author is comparing a bird and its ability to fly to a human's ability to love. This is a conversation that God is having with a man who is full of pain and anger (I won't say why because I don't want to ruin the book for anyone who may want to read it.)
"Most birds were created to fly. Being grounded for them is a limitation within their ability to fly, not the other way around."
"You (referring to the man) on the other hand, were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around."
"Living unloved is like clipping a bird's wings and removing its ability to fly. Not something I want for you."
"Pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly. And if left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place."
Kalni, my wish for you is that you fly...that you love and are loved to the fullest.
I adore you. I love how you address issues, are able to say the right thing to me .. whether it's a smack upside the head, something funny or equally caring. You are precious and a treasure.
With that said, may I suggest that you walk away from this board.. if not the board, the topic of your marriage. Just as friends can rush in to 'help' when a spouse first leaves, so can those who have walked the same path.
Each scenario is unique. Each way of addressing it depends on the individual. It seems the advice you're getting here is repetitive and has been for the past few threads.
OK I am extremely sleep-deprived so I am just going to wish you well today. I wonder what would happen if you asked H to move back in? Maybe it is my tired brain talking, feel free to disregard. But something has to pull you closer, since it seems that is the goal here...
Gypsy may be right. From time to time I take breaks from the BB's. This site can become overwhelming and the sometimes conflicting advice can confuse you. Sometimes you need to just take time to be quiet and think on your own.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Kathleen gives good advice. At one point, way way back..in the beginning of my sitch, my DB coach told me that I was 'making him dizzy' with all the reading, thinking, hypothesizing, etc. He told me to put down all the books...stop the phone calls and 'just be'.
Taking a break from posting is not a bad thing sometimes. It still comes down to YOUR decision about what YOU want.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Hmmm, I think the opposite is happening, I am confusing everybody, you guys dont confuse me. I am not anymore panicking, I am here the most upset I get, I am in control.
As for reading, analysing, etc FIB, I used to also in the beginning. Now I just live, day by day, I am calm most of the days, I am ok, dont worry about me. This is nothing in comparison to last October or the post bomb era. This is a walk in the park
If I can stay up later I will post back to some of your posts. Thanks K
This is nothing in comparison to last October or the post bomb era. This is a walk in the park
I know, right? I don't feel like I'm invincible by any means (not even close) but I feel like when you survive big loss, you become a survivor. What else can hurt you when you've already felt what it would mean to lose everything, and come out the other side?
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
