That all SOUNDS good, and even reasonable. It also sounds VAGUE.
I guess I'll keep posting specific e-mails and convos, and maybe you can help me with another one of those "what if you had said THIS, instead?" things.
I do like the "How can I help?", and was PLEASED to know that I had actually DONE that one!! (remember her "I'm just struggling" TM that started this all this go-around, my reply of "yeah, I noticed. How can I help?")
Maybe I'm not a total incompetent Neanderthal after all???
I think Coach has some excellent advice. A lot of women also recommend reading Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. I think you are so much like me (and probably most guys) in terms of it being a black and white world, and women probably just don't see it that way. I hate to sound trite, but remember 1 Cor. 13:4; try to put those things into practice regardless of what your W is doing. Be patient with her, be kind, be trusting, don't always assume the worst, try to see her needs and feelings. I don't know, to me it sounds like you both really do want your M to work, but there's just so much pressure that it's becoming more of a chore than anything else. Try to lighten the situation up a bit. In my sit, I began to see that my W and I just needed to have more light, fun times together. We've been having regular date nights and just generally hanging out with eachother in an enjoyable manner. One thing I've had to learn and remember is that I too am a very flawed sinner, and even through my sin Christ persued me and loved me and waited patiently on me. Your W needs to see that you love her no matter what, that you will be patient with her, and that you will be there to take her back. This is hard stuff, but it's what we're called to do. How is she doing spiritually? I've asked that before--has she improved in that area? Does she read her Bible on a daily basis? That's so important. In fact, that's been the single most important thing in our reconciliation. We read together every single day (I being very careful to trust God and let His word do a work in my W's heart, not me pounding scripture into her head), and you know what, I've seen a definite change in my W. She actually looks back at our separation with deep regret and sorrow. She says she was so blind, and that she can't believe how much control over her life she'd given to satan. I always beleive that our relationship with the Lord is at the root of all our problems. I think you see this, but your W needs to as well. Can you begin a daily reading plan with her? We started reading the New Testament through, and now we're almost done. God's word is powerful and convicting. Hopefully she (and you) will begin to see very clearly that divorce and all this pain and brokeness is not his plan for your life. I'm sorry if I can't be more helpful.
While I feel that is an excellent idea -- and certainly NEEDED -- I'm afraid she would be overwhelmed by it right now, and it would play into the whole "holier-than-thou"/morally-superior problem she's having with me to begin with.
I think I just need to continue to lovingly pray for her every day, and ask God for wisdom, judgment and discernment every day, and work to keep my heart SOFT towards her.
You know, it has occurred to me more than once in the last few days that YOU ALL just might be some "answered prayer" to my request for discernment. I'm old enough and wise enough to knwo that He can speak directly to my heart, in my prayer, and thru His Word, for sure -- and He does do that sometimes.
But He also uses PEOPLE (heck, even an ASS once, Lol!), and I don't think it's a coincidence that I'm getting this advice this week.
I was guilty of trying to love my W with my LLs (PT and QT). Love her the way she feels love is key. My W is a AOS girl as well so now I just jump in and do things to the best of ablility. I want to do these things because I understand what they mean to her. So it helps if I change my perpsective - even though we shouldn't mind read we all know our spouses pretty well and I try to anticipate what she will appreciate me doing. Sometimes me giving space is the best thing to do.
Sell the benefits of being married to Puppy. If you understand the need it makes your job a whole lot easier. When she tells you how to help, you just jump in with, "Oh, I can do that." So easy even a caveman can do it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
That all SOUNDS good, and even reasonable. It also sounds VAGUE.
I guess I'll keep posting specific e-mails and convos, and maybe you can help me with another one of those "what if you had said THIS, instead?" things.
I do like the "How can I help?", and was PLEASED to know that I had actually DONE that one!! (remember her "I'm just struggling" TM that started this all this go-around, my reply of "yeah, I noticed. How can I help?")
Maybe I'm not a total incompetent Neanderthal after all???
Puppy
good one. I would have loved to have heard "how can I help?" asked genuinely. Would have melted me.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
God is certainly so much bigger than any of us and can use all of us as he sees fit! Man, I simply can't say enough about the power of prayer. Keep on praying without giving up! Don't let satan convince you that anything is hopeless. It's not over until God says it's over. Just remember one thing when taking advise--God never contradicts Himself or His word, so pray that you would recognize and reject anything that anyone says that is contrary to His word. God is patient and long sufferring, and the fact of the matter is, he has been answering your prayers all along. Maybe not exactly how/when you expect it, but look at the facts. You aren't divorced and there is still a lot of hope! Yes, it's been a very difficult and painful ride no doubt, but not nearly as painful as the cross that Christ hung on, and we're called to carry our own cross daily. Trust God on this one--he won't leave you nor forsake. Try to have his patience. I say these things because they are all the very lessoons I've had to learn. I will pray for you at least daily. I really want to see you guys succeed, b/c with all that's happened I can see that the two of you really do love one another. Keep your head up!
Your help is credible regardless of the status of your marriage. The only way it wouldn't be credible is if you were behaving hypocritically, which I don't sense that you are. Have you guys thought about taking a vacation? Not to run away from your problems, but just to relax and regroup. It might do you wonders to just get away and be at ease.
I have had a rough day personally and really needed to read these exchanges. The last Weds. of the month, my church does an entire service of praise and worship. One song brought me to my knees and I prayed and prayed and talked to God and begged him for something to give me the strength to go on.
God obliged and I clearly heard--Stand firm and see the deliverance I have brought you.
I came home from church and DH was still here, had washed up all the dishes from dinner, bagged up the trash, and bought the things needed to fix the gate that has been broken since last summer. He got the kids ready for bed and I listened to D6 practice her reading with bedtime stories while he sat with us all. When he left, he said he would see us tomorrow.
Lean on Him, Puppy. Call to him and he will answer. I think He has for you today, too, right here on your thread.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
