It has ben almost 6 months since learning about the A which happened over a year an a half ago. Today, I discovered he lied to me. Here's the situation:
A few months ago, I was looking at our cell phone records and found out he called her in April of 2008 even though he told me he hadn't seen or spoken with her since ending it in 2007. When I saw the records, I told him it looked like he had dinner with her in April because of the way the calls had been placed. Plus he had a "personal appointment" on his calendar for that evening. For where I was sitting, it looked like they had dinner together.
He assured me they did not. When I asked him about the phone number, he said he didn't know it. I told him it was hers and asked why he had called her. He claimed he didn't know why he would have been calling her and it must have been work related if there was even a phone call to her. There are only 4 calls on the phone record but he has two phones. The other is a work phone, so I don't have access to the records. I decided to believe him. He said that there was an event both of them were supposed to be at around the same time, but they both knew one of them should bow out, so she didn't attend.
So, I just put this aside and have been working at repairing our relationship. He's been so transparent - or so I thought. Today, I discovered an email he sent to her and her collegue on April 15 which said "Thank you for dinner last night...." Truly, it sounds like it was an innocent meeting, but I'm wondering why he didn't come clean when I told him what I thought happened and now I have proof of that. I am so close to calling her (I never have contacted her) just to find out her story to see if I have been given the full story or not. This really makes me wonder if it will put a wedge into our relationship. I know contacting the OW is a no-no, but I truly want to find out her timeline of their relationship. I really don't want to find out that I've been duped again.
Sorry you have to go through this. Here is my 2 cents:
1) Only ask questions if you are ready for undesired answers. 2) Have you read "Not Just Friends"?
Knowing the truth is good, but the truth may hurt.
I doubt she will talk to you.
The only person I can control is me. I can control my thoughts, words and actions. I can set my boundaries. I can set my goals. I trust my feelings. I do things that were once unnatural but "the right thing to do".
My understanding that all cheater are liers. The cheating and lie is exciting and makes the A all that more attractive. You caught him once, now he may be sneakier.
I asked him "When was the last time you saw her" back in December and again in March when I was looking at the phone records. Both times, he said not since it was over. That's why I'm so confused as to why I discovered he did see her in April (yes, 2008). I do believe it is over, but the problem I'm now having is figuring out if he's really being truthful. He had the chance twice to come clean. He's been transparent as far as I know. So, why lie about this? I wasn't being accusatory. When I matched the phone calls and the calendar, I said something like, "It looks to me like you called her on the phone and left a message to have dinner, confirmed the plans on this date, called her as you were leaving work, and again as you were about to arrive at the restaurant. Then, you called home when you were on your way home. If my version isn't the truth, then can you please give me the right story because I'd like to get it right in my head." He told me he didn't meet her for dinner and had no idea why he would have been calling her. It didn't add up, but I wanted to move on, so put it aside. I thought I could trust him again, but now I don't know.
He acts remorseful and had never blamed me for this at all. He truly is doing all of the right things, so why lie about this unless... If we're going to make it as a couple, then I want to know that there are no more lies between us. That is why I'm so tempted to call OW. To get her timeline. If it matches with his, then it will be easier to move on. If he's rewriting history, then I'm not doing the right thing by staying.
I don't know. Maybe he did talk to her in April of 2008, or maybe he saw her in April of 2008...and maybe he lied about it because you guys are doing OK now and he didn't want to jeopardize it by telling you about something that happened over a year ago!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
So, I asked him again and he was still totally convinced that he did not meet her for dinner. Yes, he had dinner that night with one of her collegues and someone else but not her. When I showed him the emails, he was even more confused. I believe him that he does not believe she was there, but she most obviously was. There is no denying it. He has somehow suppressed this memory. Pn the positive side, he's now agreed that he will go see a counselor. Meanwhile, I'm just trying to figure out if he did supress this memory, are there more? I do want to move on, but when the puzzle pieces aren't fitting, it's not as easy. Does anyone have any experience with this?
Let it go. You guys are together, and he's gonna go to counseling. He want a relationship with you, and you want a relationship with him. Water under the bridge. It was a long time ago anyway. Don't mention it anymore. If you have forgiven him, then let it go, and resolve to never mention it again.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
