My H left 3 weeks ago and now lives 14 hours away. It seems like it is going to be hard to use the DB tecniques with so much distance between us. I am basically trying to get through each day without thinking about him constantly. I have my 3 girls and you would think they would keep me busy enough but my mind is still reliving the day he dropped the bomb and the time leading up to his departure.
Seems like everywhere I look, there is a couple holding hands or sitting with their arms around each other. They seem to be oozing with love and emotion. Then I find myself getting sad, wishing it were my H and I instead. I have been trying to GAL but somehow it seems like I am faking, trying to make these feelings of despair go away. I did join the gym today so we will see how that goes. My H will be back to visit in 3 weeks and I do want to look a lot better than when he saw me last time.
Me:34 H:34 D:7 D:6 D:3 T:20years M:10years Bomb: Feburary 2009 Separated: May 2009 EA confirmed March 2010
Hi ALJ, I read your newcomers post. I am sorry you find your self here. But this board can be great at times when the pain is too much to take. All of us have have that in common, pain. But it gets better as time goes by.
Right now your H seems to be clear about what he wants. If you love him and I take it you do to be here, you have to stop doing anything that strengthens his decision to leave and pushes him away. Stop begging, calling, texting, emailing etc etc. He knows how you feel by now and nothing you say adds anything in your favor.
Dont have any R talks/emails (while he is away) with him and if he starts any, try to validate his FEELINGS (dont dismiss them, show respect for what he is telling you) state you think your M is salvable, but that you cant force him to change his mind (something along these lines).
Your success at this point would be to see him wonder a little bit, have second thoughts. It takes time and you need to be patient. Focus on you and your kids, keep GALing, look your best and strong and confident when you meet, organise your life according to the new situation you are facing and dont lose hope. You say it feels fake to GAL, we say here "fake it till you make it".
Read other stories on here, try to find advice to Newcomers that Sandi2 and some others were kind enough to put together, post to some people you feel you can relate to, and keep posting on your thread, journaling at least. The more info you feel comfortable sharing with us the more people can understand what's going on and give some advice. Try to keep one thread going so people can follow your story.
Thank you Kalni for yor your helpful post. You are right when you say patience is the key. My H says he hasn't been in love with me for a couple of years and I am beginning to see that he is not going to fall back in love with me overnight. It seems like he has built a wall around himself and he is unemotional and neutral toward me when I talk to him. I let him call me, which is every other day and I learned my lesson about sending "I miss you" text messages. He never answers them. I have a long road ahead of me.
Me:34 H:34 D:7 D:6 D:3 T:20years M:10years Bomb: Feburary 2009 Separated: May 2009 EA confirmed March 2010
Sorry to read about your sitch, ALJ. I read your posts in the newcomer section too. I agree with Kaini - patience will be key. Just try to focus on your girls, and take good care of yourself. Give h the time and space he needs, because pushing the r talks will backfire on you rt now.
The LRT takes some practice... I re-read it every day or two... and it's getting easier. Hang in there and keep posting and reading.
It seems like he has built a wall around himself and he is unemotional and neutral toward me when I talk to him.
When H left, his face was made of stone. No crying, begging, talking with reason touched him in any way. I couldnt belive my eyes, the "sensitive" man I knew had become this...cold blooded monster... . After being almost 2 years at this, I think it was his way of coping with his decisionand the consequences. He couldnt allow himself to let his guard down around me or let my words affect him because that would mean he would be having second thoughts.
When he did start having second thoughts, the first thing that changed was his eyes, the way he looked at me. If you read stories here you will find this is a common characteristic of WASs.
What is the situation now? He is still away? How are your kids holding up, do the realise what is going on? Keep GALing and building up your attitude. K
Kalni, I dont think my husband has any plans on coming back to New York to live. The original plan before he turned into that "cold blooded monster" was for him to move down south and get situated with his entertainment company, then me and the kids would move down there with him. He has signed a one year lease on an apartment down there. I know he will be coming to back up here for his sisters 30th birthday but I dont know how long he is visiting.
The kids started asking questions about a week after he left. They ask "when is daddy coming home?" or "why did daddy take that furniture with him?" I don't think they know what is going on. He talked to them right before he left that night and told them he was going away for work for awhile but would be back soon. After he put the kids in bed and was finishing packing up his belongings, he sat down and started crying. I sat down next to him and put my arm around him but he didnt put his arm around me or get close to me. I know he was crying because he was leaving the kids and it didnt have anything to do with leaving me.
I wonder if he is happy with his decision now. Maybe somewhere down the line we will get to talk about our relationship and where it is going. He will have to be the one to bring it up though. I just have to be patient but it is not going to be easy because it seems as though he has left our relationship in limbo or like everyting is on hold until he hopefully comes to his senses.
How is your sitch going with your H? I see in your signature line that you are depressed even though your H wants to come back. Are you having second thoughts about your relationship with your H? How are your kids handling things?
Me:34 H:34 D:7 D:6 D:3 T:20years M:10years Bomb: Feburary 2009 Separated: May 2009 EA confirmed March 2010
ALJ, I cant answer these questions. I would need about 15 threads
My kids had a very hard time because we told them we were divorcing. They had C for about 8 months (as I did), are stronger now and seem to adjust to this weird situation we find our selves in. I was depressed because H SAID he wants back 8 months ago, right when I was moving on. We are still separated because although I chose to give it a try,I believe the feeling for both of us is gone. Maybe a little too late? Second thoughts? More than that. Serious doubts we can rebuild our R. As time passes, our chances are getting slimmer...
Does your H keep regular contact with the kids? I cant remember, do you work? Can you relocate also so at least the kids are close to their dad also? Is that an option? K
I am sorry to hear about your sitch with your H. I hope the two of you can get back together but only if thats what you want to do.
My H calls the kids every other day faithfully. I talk to him also but most of the time I am asking about him or whats going on in his life. If I dont then there is going to be silence on the line. He does not ask about me or what I have been doing lately. I just cant believe how he is so distant and uncaring. It is as though we didnt have a history together and he has erased me out of his life and memory.
I am unemployed right now. My H and I took a severence package from our jobs that we worked at together for 10 years. We worked in the automotive industry and if you watch the news, you know that that industry has gone down the tubes. I plan on going back to school for either Medical Billing and Coding or Medical Administration.
I think the only way that I would relocate was if my H and I worked things out and we recommit to our marriage. I cant see myself moving down south where he is and him treating me like a stranger. I have one cousin down south but other than that, all of my family is up here in NY.
Sometimes I feel so angry with him for leaving us like this. I do love him but how long am I supposed to wait for him to make up his mind about us? He says he fell out of love with me awhile ago so how is he going to fall back in love with me living 14 hours away. Our relationship is in limbo and my heart is on hold for him. I also wonder why he wanted to be separated rather than divorced. I know for sure that I dont want to be divorced but what are his reasons?
My mind does nothing but wonder. Is my H looking for someone else while he is gone? Is he happy with his decision to leave? Why did I choose to ignore the signs that our relationship was in trouble? Why was I so naive'? I guess I will have to wait until he decides that he wants to talk about our relationship. That is the only way I will know the answers to these questions.
Me:34 H:34 D:7 D:6 D:3 T:20years M:10years Bomb: Feburary 2009 Separated: May 2009 EA confirmed March 2010
. After being almost 2 years at this, I think it was his way of coping with his decisionand the consequences. He couldnt allow himself to let his guard down around me or let my words affect him because that would mean he would be having second thoughts. 