My W has complained in the past that I am to controlling. So i have been trying to do a 180 let go and let her do what she wants to do without asking. How can I stop enabling the A without pushing her away though? She got her own cell phone and calls from the OM's house and even cooked a meal at our house for them one night. When I came home early and found it in her car she got real angry and I just acted like I didn't know to avoid conflict. She keeps lying to me saying shes at work. Could it be out of guilt? Or maybe because she doesn't want to hurt me. I guess its probably what her L is telling her to do so I cant have any ammo. She comes to the house while Im at work and loads up her car and acts like I don't know that our stuff is missing out of the house. I don't want to push her away any more then I have but I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and I need to stop the cake eating. I don't want to be a doormat! I'm so lost...I cant believe that this is my wife acting like this.
My W has complained in the past that I am to controlling. So i have been trying to do a 180 let go and let her do what she wants to do without asking.
Well, there's your first mistake. There's a big difference between taking a principled stance of "I don't agree with what you're doing -- at all -- but you're an adult, and I can't stop you" and "letting her do whatever she wants without asking."
I've read your sitch. Am I correct in understanding that your wife informed you that she is filing for divorce IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILDREN???? That is emotional abuse, pure and simple. She's also openly declared she's a cake-eater, and that she'll never tell you the truth.
and YOU are controlling???
"You are controlling" is a cheating spouse's speak for "I can't believe you're not giving me room in which to conduct my affair, unencumbered." It's b.s. "script" that more than 90% of cheating spouses say to get their betrayed spouse to back off. The sad thing is that most of us do it, and it's a mistake.
My first piece of advice to you would be to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy," and to think of two or three "boundaries of personal integrity" that you can lay out. One might be "no OM in our marital home" as a good place to start. My second piece of advice would be to see a good family law atty, if you haven't already done so. Preferably one who specialized in "men's rights" and paternal custody issues. You need to know what your rights are, and your potential vulnerabilities. Unfortunately, the deck is stacked against men, but there ARE things you can do to move things more in your favor.
Mr. Mom, you need to reassert some power in the relationship. Is this the kind of behavior you want to model for your children? I KNOW (from personal experience) how painful this is, and trust me, I sobbed my eyes out many, many times. But only ONCE in front of my wife, when I realized that that wasn't productive and I needed to get a grip.
I've read your sitch. Am I correct in understanding that your wife informed you that she is filing for divorce IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILDREN???? That is emotional abuse, pure and simple. She's also openly declared she's a cake-eater, and that she'll never tell you the truth.
and YOU are controlling???
Yes you are correct. She was really nice to me Friday night and she was in a great mood dropping the kids off. I fed right into the whole false hope thing like a sucker. She then went out and had her fun for the weekend and when Sunday came around and she picked up the kids she was cold and distant and didn't even want to talk until kids were all buckled in and she was in the car. I kissed them goodbye and she rolled down the window and told me. I was shocked and just took a couple of steps back so she wouldn't say anything more in front of the kids. Then she just took off with a I told you so look on her face.
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
"You are controlling" is a cheating spouse's speak for "I can't believe you're not giving me room in which to conduct my affair, unencumbered." It's b.s. "script" that more than 90% of cheating spouses say to get their betrayed spouse to back off. The sad thing is that most of us do it, and it's a mistake.
Yes I fell for this to when I was blinded.....
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
My first piece of advice to you would be to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy," and to think of two or three "boundaries of personal integrity" that you can lay out. One might be "no OM in our marital home" as a good place to start.
I just picked it up and plan on start reading it tonight. Read the first chapter and it looks good. I did set one already and that was to not bring the kids around him.
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
My second piece of advice would be to see a good family law atty, if you haven't already done so. Preferably one who specialized in "men's rights" and paternal custody issues. You need to know what your rights are, and your potential vulnerabilities. Unfortunately, the deck is stacked against men, but there ARE things you can do to move things more in your favor.
I talked to one today but it sounds like I have a long hard road ahead of me.
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Mr. Mom, you need to reassert some power in the relationship. Is this the kind of behavior you want to model for your children? I KNOW (from personal experience) how painful this is, and trust me, I sobbed my eyes out many, many times. But only ONCE in front of my wife, when I realized that that wasn't productive and I needed to get a grip.
I am very sorry that you are here. Puppy is right - his experience is also very consistent with my own.
I aggressively exposed my wife's affair and dishonesty to my in-laws and tightened up "wiggle room" as much as possible so that it was ultra hard for the affair to be conducted. Granted, it still took place but I resolutely refused to be intimidated by my wife's wrath, manipulation and threats. Also, it put tremendous pressure on the affair and created lots of conflict between OM and my wife. Don't be abusive - but do be honest and firm.
I exposed my wife's adultery and was very "hardball" with her without being abusive and whilst simultaneously acknowledging my terrible wrongdoings in the marriage. I make no apologies for being tough with her.
She will respect you for doing this even if she is furious and she will probably hate it that she respects you.
It is your duty as a man to be strong. For Heaven's sake do not, under any circumstances allow this OM to bang your wife in your home without doing a thing about it.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
